I arrived home Saturday from my Hawaiian vacation three shades darker, five pounds heavier and a few thousand dollars poorer than I was a week ago. But it was all worth it to detox from the “real world” for a few days.
And I’m happy to report that my Flightplan went rather well, with just a minimal amount of uncomfortable moments on our seemingly never-ending flight. (Our sincere apologies to seat 21A, Poo-Poo Head is a actually considered a term of endearment from our two-year old. Don’t take it personally!)
But after three days of pool slides, floaties and chicken strips, I was desperate for adult interaction that wasn’t interrupted every thirty seconds with one of us shouting one of three key vacation phrases:
Do you have to go potty?
If you do______(insert bad behavior here) again, we are not going to the pool!
Stop trying to drown your brother!
So I did what any self-respecting parent does while on vacation: I booked a “cocktail” sunset cruise, emphasis on “cocktail”. Basically, when planning our activities, the concierge had me at open bar. So we double-locked the sliding glass doors, gave the MIL a DVD player tutorial and a twenty for pizza and voila! We were on our way to three hours of childless paradise.
I was determined to make the most of my overpriced sailing excursion. Our last couple “cocktail” cruises had been a bust, with only one other nerdy couple and two stoned guys playing a ukulele. And in my opinion, size mattered when it came to booze cruises and this social butterfly was ready to spread her wings. So I was ecstatic to discover a group of thirty or so people, standing with shoes in hand on the beach when we arrived!
I quickly scanned the crowd, looking for our couple love connection. Who would I be couple crushin’ on tonight? Would it be the newlyweds? The Speidi look-a-likes? Or the single dad who inappropriately brought his six-year old? And did it really matter? Because anyone who knows me is aware that I’ll talk to a statue after my second beer. And after four beers? Well, let’s just say I was in rare form. But I made some new friends!
Oh, newlyweds, you looked so cute in your matching outfits and enthusiasm for having children. I hope I didn’t ruin it for you when I discussed my c-section recovery in detail. Or when my hubby mentioned that you should do ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING fun before you get pregnant because your life as you know it will be over. Like he said when you started to inch away from us, he meant it in a good way.
EX-WIFE BRINGER UPPER
Every road leads back to…his ex-wife. Discussing real estate? He’s bitter that she got the beachfront property in Del Mar. Mention children? His ex-wife has 80% custody. Ugh! And from the looks that the new girlfriend was giving him, I have a feeling she’ll be an ex soon too.
I was crushin’ on this couple the moment I saw them. Seriously, they were dead ringers for Spencer and Heidi. When I finally caught their eye, I had my social butterfly A-game on. (Or so I thought!) And Speidi did not disappoint…he went to Harvard, she had her masters from UCLA. And they thought WE were 25 year-old newlyweds! HA! I was in love! But I think I may have come on a bit too strong when I committed the ultimate booze cruise faux pas and invited them for an after-cruise drink. And I know better. We all know our friendships end as soon as that sailboat hits the sand.
THE DRUNK SINGLE DAD
Seriously, dude. Watching your six-year old go up on the deck by herself in 40 mile/hour winds is killing my buzz. I came here to get away from lifeguard patrol!
We actually ran into Blackie and his wife at the bar we stumbled up to after the cruise. He was eight-five years old and rolled in wearing a bright orange shirt with his name on it. He told me I was beautiful, but he was wearing coke-bottle glasses and had already confessed he was legally blind so the compliment didn’t feel quite as good as it should have. But hey, I’ll take it!