The May 1st release of Ghosts of Girlfriends Past got us thinking about how the world is getting smaller and smaller. Remember the good ol' days when you could just speculate about what all your exes were up to? Now you can find just about anybody in two clicks on Facebook and, for us, it kind of takes the romance out of it. I mean, how can we fantasize about the one that got away when we find out that instead of becoming a physical therapist he’s been delivering packages for FedEx for the past ten years?
So, in tribute to what we hope will be a wonderful movie with a happy ending, here are Liz and Lisa's Ghosts of Boyfriends Past... Disclaimer: Dates and certain events have been changed in an effort to protect the identity of our ghosts.
I was married once, sort of.
I got a long-term boyfriend practically the second my UGG boots hit the pavement of my college campus. Apparently this guy didn’t mind my unibrow or the twenty-five pounds I packed on as I single-handedly kept Carl’s Jr. in business. Already showing signs of becoming a serial monogamist, (dated the Mullet Man for a year in high school) I jumped at the chance to be in another relationship.
Sure! I’ll give up all opportunities to make out with young, hot, frat boys with rock hard abs and stamina so I can “settle down” at the age of 19!
At least my "hubby" had a great body. Well, a great body that, allegedly, he was sharing with others…
According to sources, he may have been doing a lot more than guzzling beer bongs at his fraternity mixers. And although his indiscretions were never confirmed, I did find a wonder bra in his closet once. And panties under his bed that other time. (A fraternity prank, he swore!) Oh, and there was also that day his other girlfriend called.
And even though we could put some Jerry Springer guests to shame with the way we argued, we thought it would be a fantastic idea to move in together!
I even bought a leather chair and matching ottoman. *cue gag sound*
I became the consummate nagging wife. Why weren’t you home right after class? You never do the dishes! You need to stop seeing your other girlfriends!
When it ended, I vowed that it was finally time to be the sorority slut I never got the chance to be! I was free!
Well, until The Egomaniac commanded my attention.
It was a short, but loving relationship. Oh so loving.
The egomaniac was incredibly devoted. He really knew how to love, praise and worship…
So when the egomaniac left me, I wasn’t surprised about the person he left me for…
After the egomaniac told me he was no longer in love with me and madly in love with himself, I cried…
Tears of joy! (And Bob Steinke danced a jig!)
What a relief! My arms hurt like hell from holding him up on that damn pedestal. I was exhausted! Turns out, it was a good thing I took a year off from dating, because I was going to need all my energy for flying around in Never Never Land.
It would be so much easier if men told you exactly who they were on the first date. If Peter Pan had done that, our date would have gone something like this:
Peter Pan: “Hi, I’m 35 and I never want to grow up; I play Nintendo during all of my free time; I have a weekly (even if I’m on my death-bed) date, not with you, but with my man-boyfriends; I’m still best friends with all of my ex-girlfriends who, BTW, are all still madly in love with me; Oh, and I have a slight Oedipus complex. So tell me about you…”
Me: “Check please.”
But that’s not how things went down. I found him handsome and charming. He was smart, had a sexy job and was a homeowner. He seemed so grown up and ready to settle down! How did I get so lucky?
Well, I gambled on the wrong man-boy. In my armchair psychologist opinion, he was a textbook commitment-phoebe. He wouldn’t admit to being afraid of commitment, he was just really picky; He kept all his broken-hearted exes at arm’s length (Liz called it his menagerie) just in case. In fact, the framed picture of his most recent ex was still sitting next to his bed until I kindly asked him to take the f***ing thing down!
I finally told Peter Pan our “fairy tale” was over after he freaked out when a drunk, homeless guy slurred that we looked very much in love as we walked by his shopping cart.
Then I bought the guy a forty and gave him twenty bucks for saving my life.
Wannabe Romeo I met Wannabe Romeo at a training class for my first real job after college. He chatted me up while I checked in and faster you could say 401K we were completely hammered in the hotel bar. It was a whirlwind week and by the end of it I was convinced I had met someone really special. Too bad he lived on the other side of the country. Oh well, right?
Fast forward to three months and three visits later when we made the BRILLIANT decision to move in together. Because it’s meant to be! Kismet! Not only do I have a real job, now I’m going to play house too! I’ve officially arrived!
Six months later… Um…we don’t have as much in common as we thought. And I found a girl’s number in his pocket last week. But I’m sure it will be fine.
Six months after that… Yeah, I don’t know about this. Why didn’t he mention his affinity for Medieval swords and his passion for history? And he’s really friendly with other women, especially my mom. It’s kind of creepy, even though my mom is a total Coug...
Nine months later… Made the walk of shame out of a party last night after wannabe Romeo almost got his ass kicked last night at a party for fondling someone’s wife. And I’ve been starting to spend a lot of time with BFF and think about Boy Toy.
Two weeks later…It’s over The only thing I’m sad about is that I waited so long to leave. But I’ll be okay. I’ve got the BFF and Boy Toy to comfort me.
The BFF aka The Safety Net
He was always there for me. I cried on his shoulder about Wannabe Romeo and he helped me move my stuff out of the apartment. And okay, I guess I knew the BFF wanted to us to be BF/GF. And while there was no one else I’d rather spend time with (except for Boy Toy!) It just didn’t seem right. And not even his high-paying job, beachfront apartment or super sweet family could change the fact that kissing him felt like kissing my brother. I even tried getting completely smashed and tried again. Nope, then it just felt like kissing my brother while drunk. Even a crazy trip to Mexico didn’t bring me on board. I’ve never tried so hard to love someone in my life.
Letting go of The Safety Net was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made. But I think we both knew it was time for me to take a leap of faith. Too bad his super sweet family STILL hates me for it!
The Boy Toy
Watching your boyfriend hit on other women constantly can really get a girl down. But I give Boy Toy full credit for putting the swagger back in my step. Boy Toy was super-easy on the eyes and never said no to a midnight drunk-and-dial. And although he wasn’t going to create cold fusion, he served his purpose well. I didn’t even mind that I had to explain what quirky meant and who Jane Austen was. I’d never felt so smart and sexy in my life!
But even though our random rendezvous gave me something to look forward to, I soon grew tired of watching Beavis and Butthead incessantly and his inability to be on time. It was time to say goodbye so I could concentrate on finding a man that understood the difference between your and you’re and could spell Mississippi. But I’ll always be thankful to Boy Toy for helping me get my groove back.
Liz and Lisa