I'm currently on an exhaustive, fattening, frustrating, yet joyful adventure, otherwise known as the family vacation. I've actually started to relax a bit, although it was hard at first. Upon arriving, I realized that although I had managed to fit the entire contents of my house into my minivan, I had forgotten tone crucial thing.
The kid's bathing suits!
It's hard to break the news to toddlers that although Mommy packed fourteen pairs of flip flops and 30 DVDs for a seven day trip, she couldn't be b0thered to pack a bathing suit for the pool. *cue angry crying*
But don't fret. Although Lisa talks a lot of shit about my close relationship with Raj, my Mailboxes Etc guy, he really came through. One frantic call to him at 6pm and those suits were sitting on my doorstep early the next morning. I'm not quite sure who he had to blow to get them here but I'm not complaining!
So now that the swimwear had arrived, we were ready for eight-hour days at the pool. And I must say, my fellow vacationers are quite entertaining. Especially after a few Pina Coladas.
So I've made a list of a few favorites that have caught my attention.
1. The Inappropriate Uncle I wanted to give you a pass because you told me you liked my bathing suit when I walked up. But I couldn't ignore the fact that you made out with your trashy girlfriend on the next chaise over and were taking kamikaze shots while you were supposed to be watching your 6 year-old nephew.
2. The Creepy Grandpa Um, if you think I'm going to let you take my four-year old over the bar to get a smoothie after we chatted for five minutes, you're smoking crack! She is way too young for her first roofie.
3. The Hot Bitch Okay, Hot bitch. I just want to go on record to say that I don't think you actually gave birth to that baby you're holding. Your body is smokin' and there's not a stretch mark in site. And you're even drinking DARK beer! Why do you have to be so cruel?
4. The Looker Upper Downer Please stop. You keep making me look down to make sure I'm waxed in all the right places and that my boob hasn't popped out. I've tried to convince myself that you are looking me up and down because I'm so fabulous but I think we both know better.
5. The Splash-me-nots I'm sorry that you thought you were making a smart decision by moving over to that "small pool in the corner" to get away from the drunk coeds. Because if you hate loud noise and don't want to get splashed, you've just entered Hell, otherwise known as the toddler pool.
6. Social Butterfly, Pool Edition Yep, that's me! Just can't help myself. Move away quickly if you don't want to talk. Especially after my second Pina Colada.
7. The "It takes a Village" couple The fact that I'm actually sitting in the water watching my kids does not mean I've become your pool nanny. How many times to I have to save your 18 month-old from drowning in a foot of water before you get your ass in the pool?
8. The Chatty Grandma Please stop talking about the sensual 90 minute massage you got from a man named Hans this morning. It's too much, even for a social butterfly like myself.
9. The Judgey McJudgersons Yes, I'm aware my daughter looks red. Yes, I've applied sunscreen in the last 90 minutes. And no, I don't want to borrow that lame-ass UV protective hat your kid is wearing!
10. The Bully Your daughter just bitchslapped my son and took his floatie and you're not going to say a thing? It's on whorebag!