It was very apropos that I had the most dramatic cable box meltdown in Lisa Steinke history just moments before The Bachelorette Season Finale was about to start. I cried as I thought about how many of Chris Harrison’s “The Most Dramatic…..ever” statements I was about to miss. What if Ed wore a new and even shorter pair of the most dramatic mankini shorts in Bachelorette history ever?
What if Tanner came back in the most dramatic foot fetish guy return in Bachelorette history ever?
What if Jillian took the biggest dump in Bachelorette history ever?
No matter what it was, I wasn't going to miss it! And as a single tear ran down my cheek, I declared to the Comcast Cable rep that getting the cable box to work was a matter of life and death. (And it was! Mama needed to get me some matted chest hair visuals and overly dramatic piano music–stat!)
Luckily, my decision to hang up and call the cable company back so I could get someone on the line who knew what the FU*K THEY WERE DOING was a good one. The cable box started working and I was able to get my Bachelorette on, yo!
And now that The Bachelorette Season Finale & The Bachelorette: After The Final Rose has aired, I feel a bit lost. What am I going to do on Monday nights without Jillian’s squeal and Ed’s horrible wardrobe? Am I really supposed to embrace people giving back rubs and checking arm fat under infrared light on Dating in the Dark?
Until Project Runway starts (Tim & Heidi--August 20th!), I’ll still be missing Kiptyn’s abs (OMG, can we talk about the bod?), Wes’s sly asshole grin (he's a dirtbag, but he's still cute!)…and even Jake’s high-waisted pants (they brought me back to my mom jeans days!) and I’ll be thinking of the next season of The Bachelor. (I vote for Jake! We can give him a pass for crying on that railing, can't we?)
I'll even miss Jillian because I kind of fell for her. What can I say, she’s cute, she’s a hopeless romantic like me and her squeal kind of got to me! And any woman who can look beyond matted chest hair (I’ll be sending you the Mangroomer, girlfriend!), erectile dysfunction (I'll be praying for you!) and bad hair days (tell him NOT to wear it flat against his forehead please!) deserves a little credit. And, Jillian, I'd like to thank you for these really important life lessons I learned as I watched you weed your way from 30 guys down to one dorky albeit Chicago boy (yeah!), fiance…
THE ZIP LINE RULE If we can zip line together, we’ll have a successful marriage! Because we were both tethered to a rope and successful at sliding down to the bottom, I’m COMPLETELY CONFIDENT that we can make it through anything. Who needs to worry about talking about silly things like money, religion and parenting? We were both strapped into a harness at the same time, we’ll be fine!!
EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE A TOTAL RAT BASTARD DOUCHE, IF YOU SING TO ME, I’M ALL YOURS! I know you barely look at me, hardly touch me, and all you want to do is sing to me…oh, and you also have girlfriend…but I still feel that we have a really. strong. connection. Plus, it’s not good enough that you’ve been completely unavailable to me in the U.S. so now I’m going to invite you to Spain so you can continue to reject me in another country! Woo hoo! Love sure don’t come easy!
SOBER SHMOBER! I know I’ve never seen you sober, but I’m confident that we’ll still have a great relationship anyway! From the bicycling for two, to the picnic to the cheesy private concerts, you and I have always been drunk off our asses on shots and wine and beer, but I still think I know you really, really well and know we can have a future together!
TIME IS OVERRATED: YOU CAN PROPOSE AFTER FIVE MINUTES! I know I’ve only spent a total of 72 non consecutive hours with you… but they were very realistic real-world like hours! Like when we flew over Maui in a helicopter, jetted off to Spain and had a private dinner on a yacht, I could tell we were oh so compatible. So, I have no issue pushing you to give me an answer about whether or not you plan to propose to me next week!
YOU CAN’T GET IT UP, BUT I’M SURE OUR SEX LIFE WILL BE FINE! You were probably just nervous…In your defense, there were cameras everywhere. And I’m sure it had NEVER happened to you before. I may not even get another chance to spend the night with you so unless we can sneak off and try to do it behind a jet ski, I guess I’ll have to believe that your big junk bulge that you tease me with through your short shorts will one day please me!
ACCEPT THE MAN IN THE MANKINI I'm going to look past the mankini and find the man....I don't care that you're wearing shorts that are shorter than mine or that they have a back pocket and look like they're from the GIRL'S SIDE of Abercrombie & Fitch, I want to get married damnit. And a little slight public junk nudity aint going to stop me!
Well, Jillian, I can't imagine wanting to spend my life with any dude who practically showed scrotum on national TV... But then again, I can't imagine a lot of other things like keeping a mango toe polish loving foot fetish freak in the mix, working so hard to try to find Angry Dave's softer side or even trying to believe a 25-year old break dance instructor was ready to settle down.
But I must say that after seeing you on The Bachelorette: After The Final Rose, you do seem giddy and said you were "madly in love" so maybe it will work out for you? But Ed, if I ever see you walking down Michigan Avenue sporting your "even shorter" blue mankini, I'm going to have to drop kick you right in your man buldge! Chicago just aint big enough for you, me and your mankinis!