I'm a big fan of America's Next Top Model. Every week, I try to tune that narcissist Tyra out so I can enjoy all the highs, lows and cattiness in between that ANTM has to offer. And even though I rarely take a picture that my eyes aren't closed in, a little part of me looks down on those crazy beyotches each week when they just can't seem to get their schmize on. (For you non-ANTM lovers, that's when you smile with your eyes. Tyra's obsessed with it!)
So when our publicist finally leveled with us that using a photo that Lisa's fiancee took in Vegas (after three hours at the Blackjack tables!) wasn't going to cut it anymore, we decided to bite the bullet and get some professional shots taken. And even though I've always been photogenically challenged, I still held out hope that this photo shoot would somehow magically eliminate my double-chin or give me my own power-schmize.
Because (photo-shopping) miracles can happen, right?
Lisa and I arrived to the studio, dressed in our bookish best with high hopes. We tried to brush aside the fact that we were bound to girlfight over our same "good side" and that in over twenty years we've taken exactly three decent photos together. (and those were all snapped after a cocktail!) And yes, while I will admit that, in the end, we did end up with five that we both liked, I'm here to discuss with you the other 150 pictures that, God-willing, will never see the light of day!
You see, you learn a lot about yourself when your picture is tossed up on a 30 foot screen to be dissected. And I'd like to share those lessons with you so you too can can ace your next photo shoot. (If you're foolish enough to participate in one!)
DON'T PULL A LURCH
My mother has always to told me to sit up straight. But it wasn't until three weeks ago that I understood why she was barking at me about it so much. This slouch gave Deenie (sorry, abstract Judy Blume reference) a run for her money! I seemed to gain fifteen pounds and age my boobs twenty years with each inch I slumped!
HEAD TILTS AREN'T CUTE FOR ANYONE OVER 8 YEARS OLD
I've been tilting my ass off for years. In fact, some might say it's one of my signature moves. (I'm surprised my neck never got a cramp at Bobby McGees's back in the day!) And until I saw it on film, I always had though of it as endearing. So either I've always looked like a complete jackass or my tilt has gotten more severe in my thirties. Because. It. Was. Out. Of. Control.
WHO KNEW THAT THERE IS A FINE LINE BETWEEN BOOKISH AND SOCCER MOM?
Lisa and I arrived at the studio in our librarian best after deciding on a "bookish" look. It was time for us to be taken seriously! And while Lisa seemed to achieve this look with ease, my new soccer-momish do' made it impossible for me to look like anything other then,well, a soccer mom headed to the Fall bake sale. The lesson here: When in doubt, show more boobie!
IF YOU BARELY TURN ON YOUR CANON POWER SHOT, YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BE A BOSSY BITCH AT YOUR PHOTO SHOOT!
It's a proven fact that Lisa and I can be bossy. Even when we don't know what the f*ck we are talking about. So we rolled in and proceeded to tell our kind and patient photographer what our good sides were, (we were wrong) what pose would work best, (wrong again!) and what our strengths and weaknesses were in front of the camera. (Completely. Totally. Wrong.)
But, each time, she indulged us. But I didn't miss the small smile on her face when we gasped as Lisa's "Flat Stanley" appeared on the giant screen. Or when my nose seemed to double in size on what I had insisted was "the ONLY side" I could take pictures on.
So we probably deserved it when we jokingly asked if we were "the least photogenic people she had ever photographed" and she actually pondered on it and paused for a moment before answering, "Um, no?"
So this post is for you, Lana. Thank you for saving these two bossy bitches from themselves! xoxo