Today's the day! I'm jetting off to Chitown to meet Lisa's new bundle of joy. It's been three long weeks since she arrived and I can't wait to see them both! Lisa's excited for my arrival, but mostly because I promised to be her bitch for the next four days. Cooking? I'm her Top Chef! Cleaning? I can do things with a mop you've never seen before! Poopy Diapers? I handle that shit like no other!
But I have a small confession to make.
I'm not a baby person.
Before you get all Judgey Mcjudgerson on me, it's not that I don't like babies. I just don't LOVE them the way many of my girlfriends do. While y'all sit there goo-goo and ga-gaing over the blobs babies, I'm admiring them from a few feet away. And while you might beg to babysit that screaming gurgling love bug, I'll be the one to help mom escape to have her first glass of wine in ten months. So you see, I'm not a baby hater, more like a baby liker. That's okay, right?
And the funniest part? Babies LOVE me. It's like that whole wanting what you can't have thing starts at a very young age because I've got MAJUH game with the under one set. They reach for me, fall asleep on me, and are generally really f*cking happy when I'm holding them.
I haven't broke the news to Lisa yet that I'm not going to goo-goo and ga-ga when I get there. But I would think after 22 years of friendship that she knows I'm going to do my best Auntie work after age 2. After all, she watched me muddle through the baby stages of both of my children-how can she NOT know?
But in honor of my visit, I thought I might try to become more baby-friendly. So I've come up with a list of all the reasons why babies are the best. *speaks into megaphone* Say it with me: BABIES ARE THE BEST! (Did that sound convincing?!!??)
WHY BABIES ARE THE BEST
1. A baby won't tell me my new haircut makes me look like Dora the Explorer. Or yell at me when I'm a few minutes late picking them up.
2. Babies still get excited by and appreciate my boobs. Even if they just view them as a food source. Whatevs. I'll take it.
3. Babies give me an excuse to nap during the day. (But do I still get to do that if it's not my baby?)
4. They can be a conversation starter at Starbucks. Because nothing says talk to me like a baby in a bugaboo.
5. They give me an excuse to carry an extra ten pounds and scare my pregnant friends with delivery room horror stories. Ripped vaginas! Bad C-sections! And my personal favorite? Pooping on the delivery table!
See? Babies are the BEST!!!
What do you think? Leave a comment and you'll be entered to win one of TWO copies of The Inadequate Conception: From Barry White to Blastocytes: What your mom didn’t tell you about getting pregnant by Lori Green. You can also check out her blog here. I'll choose a winner on Sunday night after 6pm PST.