Dear, The Bachelor, I hope this isn't too forward. But I f*cking love the sh*t out of you. To clarify, I don't mean you, the bachelor, as in Brad (gag) or Jake (double gag) or even Ben (you should cut your shaggy mop, but you are growing on me.)- but the show. The glorious cat-fights, the endless streams of tears, the ridiculous stunts, the bad (make that really bad) prom dresses and that's just the premier episode.
The rejected Bachelors and Bachelorettes are obviously addicted too- many now coming back for
a second beating more after having their hearts broken on national TV. Like our latest, Ben Flanjik.
And c'mon, admit it, you're just a little bit addicted too... (I see your comments on Facebook and Twitter!)
Who cares that I'm pushing forty. That I had to wait until the kids went to bed to watch because the content of the show is just that wrong. That I sat by myself with a large glass of wine rubbing my hands together maniacally waiting for the opening credits to start. That my husband has even thrown in the towel after many seasons of (not so) secretly watching by my side. (Brad and his therapist did him in.) I'll always be a loyal fan. I'll always watch you.
Here are the five reasons why I'll never stop...
1. The drama. Omg. It never ceases to amaze. Do these women not watch the previous seasons? Do they not get that drama is not the answer to securing a rose and landing the bachelor? All I have to say is thank gawd they don't. And thank gawd for the free-flowing alcohol that the show provides them.
2. The crazies. I know she's technically one of my own, but the blogger. Jenna. OMG. She brings hot mess to a whole new level getting into an argument with another woman and saying the seven words I was quite certain I'd NEVER hear in my life: Maybe. We. Can. Share. A. Tampon. Sometime.
WTF? (I think I'll be asking that a lot this season!)
And in the most dramatic rose ceremony ever, (I'm sure Chris Harrison would agree as, isn't every rose ceremony the most dramatic?) she pries herself off the bathroom floor where she was crying hysterically about not following her own advice that she blogs about- and gets a rose. But of course she does. She only adds to the dramz. See #1.
3. The unexpected. The horse! The bacon! The grandma! And that was just last night.
Lindzi rides in on a horse and secures the first impression rose. And of course prompts one of the women (the model- who looks like she's going to be CRAZY this season) to say, f*ck her and the horse she rode in on.
Amber B. (a.k.a. Amber Bacon) offers Ben a taste! (No one likes bacon that much. No one.)
And Brittney brings her sweet, 72-year-old grandmother who raised her. (A brilliant play, btw!) And who, even though she is SEVENTY TWO, is apparently not safe from bashing (is nothing sacred?). The catty women can't hold back even for a little old lady- talking shit on grams and her wrinkly skin. Two words: Eff. Them.
4. The wine. Oh this part is all about me even though two Bachelors have been in the wine biz- Andrew Firestone and now, Ben Flanjik. I'm referring to what goes on in my own living room as I watch. A nice deep pour from a nice bottle of red just makes it all even more delicious. Oh, and it doesn't hurt that the women seem to drink a sh*t load of it too.
5. The love. What can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic. And they do fall- so madly and deeply-as they hold each other tight in their bathing suits (or as this season's promo promises, in their birthday suits). And I am rooting for them- all of them. Even the ones that gross me out like the high-waisted pants wearing CRAZY pilot Jake. Because there's someone for everyone. Right, Vienna?
And before I go, here's the woman who would've gotten the first impression rose from me last night (because I can't totally bash everyone and everything!): Kacie B. (What can I say, I'm a sucker for a southern accent!)
Here's to another delicious season! I'll be toasting next week's episode with a bottle of wine from Ben's Evolve Winery.