(NON) SPOILER ALERT: Unless you've been living under a rock or trapped under a large object, you know that the Bachelor, Ben Flajnik proposed to model Courtney Robertson last night. Duh.
And then they broke up.
Cue shock and surprise.
And then with tears in their eyes and Chris Harrison looking on (because of course Chris Harrison would be looking on) they got back together on the After The Final Rose special.
At this point, they deserve each other.
The Bachelor used to have so much mystery. Down to the final seconds, we never knew who was going to get that final rose. Whose leg was going to exit the limo, helicopter, boat, first? Not anymore. Now we have Reality Steve to tell us who gets chosen. And Us Magazine to thank for showing us pictures of Ben with his arms on some other woman's ass and his tongue down another woman's throat (who btw, were just "friends").
So it's no surprise that Ben chose Courtney. Who, in my opinion, was part of one of the most unromantic proposals in Bachelor history. With fake tears glistening in her eyes, she threw off her glove faster than her clothes when she went skinny dipping just to get that ring on her finger. All that was missing was her turning to camera and saying, "I got the ring bitches."
Even though Ben claims he proposed because he "fell in love" and they had such a strong connection, here's why he REALLY chose Courtney:
1. She didn't ride in on a horse. (Sorry Lindzi.) Instead she strode in with a plan ("I'm in it to win it") and a pronouncement that she was a model. Note to future Bachelorettes, don't try so hard. Walk in on your own two feet- please. Oh, and points if you can say you are a model (even catalog work will do!).
2. She's a model. Sorry girls, but even though she's kind of fugly if you ask me, she was on the cover of Fitness magazine (cue the ooohs and ahhhs). And PS: She skinny dips.
3. She skinny dips. Even Lindzi agrees. On Good Morning America this morning Lindzi told Lara Spencer, "Maybe if I skinny-dipped, I wouldn't be here with you."
4. She's complicated and crazy. (And we know men go crazy for crazy.) She's nice to him but she's mean to the girls. And he just can't "figure out" who the real Courtney is. She's got a little bit of "sass" in her. She caused rifts in the house yet she kissed his ass constantly. She was "intriguing" and I don't care what he says, but he liked that. Also, she's a model and she skinny dips.
5. Wine. I've never seen so much wine consumed- even by the owner of a winery. There's wine on a gondola up to the top of a ski slope, there's wine for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a bottle of wine on the back of the toilet. But the bigger question is: How do they prevent purple teeth?
6. She kisses ass. Let's face it, Ben's got himself a little taste of fame right before The Bachelor started (Jennifer Love Hewitt anyone) so as long as Courtney was willing to sit around and tell him he's the greatest thing since sliced bread, he was smitten. And that's pretty much all she did.
7. She played hard to get- even at the end. I hate to say it, but Courtney is a smart ass bitch. Even when it's down to the final two and she's a shoe in, the night before the final rose ceremony, she pulls back and creates doubt in Ben's mind that she might not say yes.
8. She was able to overlook Ben's hideous outfits and overgrown mop. Bad leather jackets, mock turtle necks, suspenders, tank tops, oh my. But then again, I shouldn't give Courtney too much credit. When you're a millionaire wine maker under all those bad clothes and hair, anything is possible.
9. She made a memory book about their time together on the REALITY show. ORIGINAL- not. Oy, vey, Ben, the producers took all those pictures and printed them out. Get a clue.
10. Did I mention she skinny dips?