The Bachelorette: 5 Reasons Why These Dudes Can't Be Dads

Admittedly, I got up on my soapbox when it was officially announced that single mom Emily Maynard was going to be The Bachelorette. (I was not happy about it- I have issues with single moms and dads allowing their children to be on TV--remember when I called shame on you on Bachelor Jason Mesnick?)

Sure, Emily's cute and sweet and got her heart broken by over-therapized yet completely unchanged commitment phobe and very angry Brad Womack, but does she really think she can find a dad for her daughter, Ricky, in just a few weeks? Or maybe the better question is, does she really think these dudes actually can or want to be dads? (With the exception of the two single dads on the show, I think the answer is no. (Even though a couple of them might actually think they do.)

Last night, Jennifer Weiner tweeted it best, Drink every time a guy says he's "ready to be a father." Drink twice if you think he's lying! #bachelorette. And even Jason Biggs got in on the #Bachelorette Twitter action tweeting: I still don't know who half these guys are. And yet, they are on ‪#TheBachelorette‬ , so I know exactly who they are, really. (Side note: he also tweeted about Dolly Parton's camel toe. Gross but hilarious.)

So here, alas, are the five reasons why I say these dudes CANNOT be dads.

1. They think becoming a father to Emily's daughter is "a compromise."  Oy vey. At least Alessandro got kicked off for this ignorant remark (Oh, and turns out if you watched the credits, he admitted to Emily's BFF's that he cheated on a past girlfriend). I guess there is a reality TV show God afterall.

2. They think an egg and a child are the same thing. Yes, Travis, your ostrich egg that you named "Shelly" is the same thing as having a child! Bringing him (or her?) on The Bachelorette proves you can be a father just about as much as one of those crying dolls dissuades teens from having unprotected sex and getting pregnant! But Poor Shelly didn't get a rose (even though his/her "dad" did)...Emily smashed him into itty bitty pieces Humpty Dumpty style. If you ask me, every Bachelorette episode should have an #eggmurder.

3. Instead of playing with kids, they tell Emily not to get fat. Emily The producers brought a boat load of kids to a park to see how the guys would react. Er, dudes, this is your chance to show you like kids?! But instead of pushing them on the swings or sliding with them on the slides like the guys that are actually trying to play the game, gym owner, Ryan,  (who has really. bad. hair. btw) finds Emily and her BFF's and when the conversation turns to weight gain, says it won't be okay with him if Emily gains weight after marriage and something along the lines of, "she'll be loved, but not loved on." Weirdly, her friends seem to have NO reaction to this? (I think any of mine would've kicked him in his unloved parts!) And even worse? Although Emily admits she didn't like that he said that, she still gives him a rose... *sigh*

4. Kids will interrupt you! Kalon (the tall weirdo dude with the glasses) in the course of telling Emily how he always thought his first child would be HIS OWN, scolds her when she interrupts him. He says,"I love it when you talk, but you need to stop interrupting me." Ouch. So, she slaps him, then kicks him off the show, right? WRONG. Although she acknowledges his remark- to camera- not to him- "I like tall, cute and funny, not tall cute and condescending," he still got a rose...I'd hate to see what happens when Emily's sweet daughter interrupts him. Major red flag, Emily.

5. Private concerts, love songs and Dolly Parton will not be the norm. So far, Emily has made a guy help bake cookies for her daughter's soccer game and play with a group of sugar-infused kids. The dudes even had to pass her "BFF test." But how much "real world" experience are these guys getting? And how is Emily really going to know if these guys can swing this fatherhood thing? It's easy to melt into the moment at a private concert when Dolly Parton (and her camel toe) are singing a love song to you, but let's get real here, dudes. It's going to take a lot more than dancing to Dolly to make you a dad.

xoxo,

Lisa

Catherine McKenzie's 5 Things I'd Tell The Teen Me

Our guest today: Catherine McKenzie Why we love her: She writes  about things that are hot in pop culture. We love this book because it was inspired by the phenomenon of reality TV shows like The Bachelor. And y'all know how we feel about The Bachelor.

Her latest: Arranged

The scoop on it: Anne Blythe's life couldn't be better. She's got a book contract, a great job and a fabulous BFF. She also seems to have no problem in the men department. Well, if you don't count the fact that although she can hook any man she sets her sights on, those men don't seem to stay on that hook for very long. Anne blames this on her mother, believing she is cursed because she's named after the title character in Anne of Green Gables.

After another bad break-up with a man more in love with himself than with her (she's realizing this is a pattern — falling for tall, dark, handsome and self-absorbed), Anne finds a business card imprinted with her namesake, Blythe & Company: Arrangements made. She assumes it's for a dating service and decides to hang on to it. When her best friend announces her engagement, Anne feels envious and, on a whim, decides to make an appointment with Blythe & Company. But she's shocked to discover that it's not a dating service at all — it's a company that specializes in exclusive, and pricey, arranged marriages. Anne decides to put her reluctance aside after she learns of the company's 95 percent success rate. Anne thinks, why not get some professional help? Women around the world do it all the time.

Before she knows it, Anne is traveling to a Mexican resort where she meets and marries Jack. But will her arranged marriage work out?

Our thoughts: A smart and honest novel about a woman's desperate search for love and marriage as she ends up in one disastrous relationship after the next, this book hit home for us!

Giveaway: FIVE copies! Leave a comment and be entered to win!  We’ll choose the winners Sunday May 20th after 6pm PST.

Fun fact: On top of being an internationally best selling author, Catherine currently practices law. C'mon!

Where you can read more about Catherine: Twitter, Facebook and her website.

CHICK LIT IS NOT DEAD PRESENTS...CATHERINE MCKENZIE'S 5 THINGS I'D TELL THE TEEN ME

1. You're going to publish a novel! More than one! For reals!

2. Do not date that guy. You know the one I mean.

3. Work a little harder at school. They're trying to teach you interesting stuff, if you let them.

4. Get a guitar. Take some lessons. Spend some time in your room practicing. You'll thank me later.

5. Be nicer to your siblings.They'll thank you later.

Thanks, Catherine! xoxo, Liz & Lisa

The Bachelor: The 10 reasons Ben REALLY chose Courtney

(NON) SPOILER ALERT: Unless you've been living under a rock or trapped under a large object, you know that the Bachelor, Ben Flajnik proposed to model Courtney Robertson last night. Duh.

And then they broke up.

Cue shock and surprise.

And then with tears in their eyes and Chris Harrison looking on (because of course Chris Harrison would be looking on) they got back together on the After The Final Rose special.

At this point, they deserve each other.

The Bachelor used to have so much mystery. Down to the final seconds, we never knew who was going to get that final rose. Whose leg was going to exit the limo, helicopter, boat, first? Not anymore. Now we have Reality Steve to tell us who gets chosen. And Us Magazine to thank for showing us pictures of Ben with his arms on some other woman's ass and his tongue down another woman's throat (who btw, were just "friends").

So it's no surprise that Ben chose Courtney. Who, in my opinion, was part of one of the most unromantic proposals in Bachelor history. With fake tears glistening in her eyes, she threw off her glove faster than her clothes when she went skinny dipping just to get that ring on her finger. All that was missing was her turning to camera and saying, "I got the ring bitches."

Even though Ben claims he proposed because he "fell in love" and they had such a strong connection, here's why he REALLY chose Courtney:

1. She didn't ride in on a horse. (Sorry Lindzi.) Instead she strode in with a plan ("I'm in it to win it") and a pronouncement that she was a model.  Note to future Bachelorettes, don't try so hard. Walk in on your own two feet- please. Oh, and points if you can say you are a model (even catalog work will do!).

2. She's a model. Sorry girls, but even though she's kind of fugly if you ask me, she was on the cover of Fitness magazine (cue the ooohs and ahhhs). And PS: She skinny dips.

3. She skinny dips. Even Lindzi agrees. On Good Morning America this morning Lindzi told Lara Spencer, "Maybe if I skinny-dipped, I wouldn't be here with you."

4. She's complicated and crazy. (And we know men go crazy for crazy.) She's nice to him but she's mean to the girls. And he just can't "figure out" who the real Courtney is. She's got a little bit of "sass" in her. She caused rifts in the house yet she kissed his ass constantly. She was "intriguing" and I don't care what he says, but he liked that. Also, she's a model and she skinny dips.

5. Wine. I've never seen so much wine consumed- even by the owner of a winery. There's wine on a gondola up to the top of a ski slope, there's wine for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I  wouldn't be surprised if there was a bottle of wine on the back of the toilet. But the bigger question is: How do they prevent purple teeth?

6. She kisses ass. Let's face it, Ben's got himself a little taste of fame right before The Bachelor started (Jennifer Love Hewitt anyone) so as long as Courtney was willing to sit around and tell him he's the greatest thing since sliced bread, he was smitten. And that's pretty much all she did.

7. She played hard to get- even at the end. I hate to say it, but Courtney is a smart ass bitch. Even when it's down to the final two and she's a shoe in, the night before the final rose ceremony, she pulls back and creates doubt in Ben's mind that she might not say yes.

8. She was able to overlook Ben's hideous outfits and overgrown mop. Bad leather jackets, mock turtle necks, suspenders, tank tops, oh my. But then again, I shouldn't give Courtney too much credit. When you're a millionaire wine maker under all those bad clothes and hair, anything is possible.

9. She made a memory book about their time together on the REALITY show. ORIGINAL- not. Oy, vey, Ben, the producers took all those pictures and printed them out. Get a clue.

10. Did I mention she skinny dips?

xoxo,

Lisa

The Bachelor: Why do men go crazy for crazy?

Happy Valentine's Day, y'all! Not big on the holiday, the hubs (yes, I lured him back!) and I "celebrated" by snuggling up on the couch with a bottle of wine and making fun of watching The Bachelor. Before you read this post, you must check out this hilarious video of The Bachelor's Courtney Robertson getting auto-tuned.  It will make your (Valentine's) Day! (Look for Ben popping up throughout- his head superimposed on different bodies.)

So it's out with the stable-ish PhD student, in with crazy model.

After last night's episode of The Bachelor when Ben (who throughout the show was clad in some of the FUGLIEST tank tops ever made which I thought would have prompted at least one girl to say, I'm outta here) said no rose for you to Emily and Rachel, but kept crazy Courtney who he says he feels "very connected to", I was left to wonder...

why do men always fall for the effing crazies?

We can't forget Michelle whose nickname very quickly became crazy Michelle from Brad Womack's season. She was finally rejected, but I don't think crazy Courtney will suffer the same fate. SPOILER ALERT: Reality Steve claims she and Ben are engaged. *cue shock and surprise*

So why doesn't Ben see any RED FLAGS with Courtney? On their one-on-one date high atop a Mayan temple, Courtney said she had issues with Ben giving Emily a one-on-one because, "Emily had said some nasty things to Courtney." With a glass of wine in hand (I'll be shocked when I see her without vino), she told Ben with a crazy look in her eyes that had she not received a one-one-one date from him she wouldn't have accepted a rose (BULLSH*T) and that she'd "lost the spark, babe" only to regain it five minutes later (?!) as they climbed the stone staircase hand in hand, Ben not looking the least bit concerned (!?) about what he'd just heard, and Courtney, in her voice over, professing with every stair she climbed she was leaving her hurt feelings behind.

Ben also saw no RED FLAGS when the girls in the house warned him against Courtney- yet again- referring to her as a black widow in a bikini.

WTF?

So I asked the hubs why do men go crazy for crazy. He very plainly said, men think crazies are better in bed.

So thaaaat's it.

And y'all know that when Courtney took Ben in the ocean for a little skinny dipping, that can't be all that went down out there.

It's just so disappointing because he also has Nicki who's nice, Kacie B. who's just so darn cute and Lindzi who's pretty, smart and well, rode in on a horse!...but apparently not crazy enough for Benjamin. SPOILER ALERT: I read that Lindzi's one of the final two. (Poor thing.)

I have to wonder if our little long-haired wine maker is watching these shows as they air--suddenly becoming privy to everything the ladies tried to warn him about--and saying WTF did I get myself into with Courtney? Probably not. Apparently not only does he look for crazy, but also another really appealing quality. Back on top of that Mayan temple, he told Courtney that he also wants someone who's a little bit weird.

But at the end of the day, in all fairness to our crazy mean girl model, I guess we all have a little bit of crazy in us. After all, not only am I still watching this crazy show, but I'm writing about it!

Happy Valentine's Day, ladies!

xoxo,

Lisa

5 (More) reasons I still watch The Bachelor

 "On a scale of one to 10, I feel like I'm gonna throw up."

Ah, it's highly intelligent statements like this one (among many other reasons coming up in a minute) that keep me watching The Bachelor every week. This is my personal favorite from last night. Spoken by Jaclyn who was upset over the possibility of the cocktail-party-crashing mystery guest getting a rose...

Confession:  Bachelor Ben Flajnik is starting to grow on me just a wee bit. He still needs an effing haircut like nobody's bidness (could his sister not point that out to him???), but there's something about him. He seems, dare I suggest, normal? Well, normal by reality show standards anyway. (And we have to admit he looked pretty good skiing with his shirt off... and did you see the part where he played the piano? *swoon*)

Or perhaps I'm no better than any of the women on the show- I'm simply caught up in the moment, the rose on the table staring me down- making me believe that he. Is. The. One.

But regardless of how I feel about Bachelor Ben, let's face it- he's not what makes The Bachelor a Monday night must-watch- it's the catty, backstabbing, tight (and bad- does anyone else agree?) dress wearing, crying, idiotic statement spewing women who have us pulling up a couch cushion each week.

And as I watched last night, I found myself giddy with excitement yet again. Even though I've seen it all before- even though it's the same Bachelor just a different name. Even though it's the same cocktail party showdowns and tearful exits. Even though it's a total formula-  It never gets old. And I decided that because five reasons I still watch The Bachelor just weren't enough, here are five more. (PS: Be sure to leave a comment about why you watch- or why you don't- and be entered to win a copy of FLY AWAY HOME by fellow Bachelor watcher, Jennifer Weiner. We'll randomly select the winner after 6p.m. PST on Sunday, Jan 22. )

1. The crazy declarations

If we conquer our fear of heights together, we can do anything! (Said by Ben after he climbs the San Francisco Bay bridge with his date, Emily.) Who cares that they've only known each other for two and a half minutes? They've climbed up to a really high place together so they can survive marriage! WTF?

When I walk through the door tonight, I'm going to fall in love with Ben quickly.  These girls are going to hate me but I'm willing to take the risk because he's (Ben's) someone I want to be with for the rest of my life. Spoken by a mystery guest who crashes the cocktail party. Oh and BTW, she doesn't know Ben at all. See #2

2. The (uninvited) mystery guest

I love the drama as the mystery guest is slowly revealed. The hands on the steering wheel. The voice mail left for Chris (Harrison). The legs getting out of the car. The reaction of the girls when she enters the cocktail party. WHO. THE. *#&%. IS. THAT. GIRL? Well, last night it was Shawntel (or whatsherbutt as model, Courtney, so affectionately called her). You remember funeral director Shawntel from Brad's season? Well poor Shawntel's crazy declaration didn't prove true- she didn't get the rose or the love. (And let's face it, had she stayed, the girls would've likely killed her or at the very least beaten her to a freakin' pulp.) But what she did get were a lot of fun comments like:  she's uglier in person and her thighs are thicker than mine (spoken by the SAME girl). The guys she dates go on dates where she draws people's blood.  We don't re-use Brad's dumpster trash And my personal favorite: She rode in here on her high Hearse *cue cymbal*

3. The dates

Scaling the San Francisco Bay Bridge, a private concert by Matt Nathanson, a piano duet. And that was just one date with one girl- Emily. Oh, to be a reality show contestant... *Swoon* To fall in love to the glow of the camera lights. To make out with six producers watching you. To go on one unrealistic date after the next making your expectations so high that it will be virtually impossible to succeed in love in the real world. Wait, maybe I'm wrong. Apparently if you do a death defying stunt together, you'll have no issues living under the same roof, sharing money or raising kids! (See #1). Plus, on what other show can you watch women skiing the streets of San Francisco in their bikinis?

4. Chris Harrison

Gotta love the man. He's got the greatest gig in TV.  He probably makes a sh*t load of money and he's only on the air for about five minutes each week. Although last night he actually got about six minutes because he greeted the mystery guest (told her to freshen up?! See #5) and had to come out a second time to establish that Ben was about to give out the final rose of the evening. (Erika went down hard like a sack of potatoes temporarily halting the rose ceremony.)

5. Jennifer Weiner's live tweets

As if we didn't already love this New York Times bestselling novelist enough for writing fabulous book after fabulous book (can't wait for her upcoming release, The Next Best Thing) she also live tweets The Bachelor! @Jenniferweiner And she's hilarious. (Trust me, her tweets alone are reason enough to watch the show.) Some of my favorites:

She's got thicker thighs than me. She's uglier in person. Wow. Did the meanest girl get a free spray tan? #thebachelor

Hmph. Ben declines to hand out the final rose. Jaclyn's crying like she lost a limb. Or an implant. Something important. #thebachelor

When I'm in charge of everything, The Bachelor will be on every night

And one reason I might have to stop watching...

The tonsil hockey

WTF? Really Ben? I don't know about you, but it wouldn't be a turn on if Ben told me I was the best kisser in the house. Then kissed me again and told me it was still true. Aren't we missing something here? This means he's sticking his tongue down a lot of throats. #gagmewithaspoon

xoxo,

Lisa

5 Reasons I still watch The Bachelor

Dear, The Bachelor, I hope this isn't too forward. But I f*cking love the sh*t out of you. To clarify, I don't mean you, the bachelor, as in Brad (gag) or Jake (double gag) or even Ben (you should cut your shaggy mop, but you are growing on me.)- but the show. The glorious cat-fights, the endless streams of tears, the ridiculous stunts, the bad (make that really bad) prom dresses and that's just the premier episode.

I'm addicted.

The rejected Bachelors and Bachelorettes are obviously addicted too- many now coming back for a second beating more after having their hearts broken on national TV. Like our latest, Ben Flanjik.

And c'mon, admit it, you're just a little bit addicted too... (I see your comments on Facebook and Twitter!)

Who cares that I'm pushing forty. That I had to wait until the kids went to bed to watch because the content of the show is just that wrong. That I sat by myself with a large glass of wine rubbing my hands together maniacally waiting for the opening credits to start. That my husband has even thrown in the towel after many seasons of (not so) secretly watching by my side. (Brad and his therapist did him in.) I'll always be a loyal fan. I'll always watch you.

Here are the five reasons why I'll never stop...

1. The drama. Omg. It never ceases to amaze. Do these women not watch the previous seasons? Do they not get that drama is not the answer to securing a rose and landing the bachelor? All I have to say is thank gawd they don't.  And thank gawd for the free-flowing alcohol that the show provides them.

2. The crazies. I know she's technically one of my own, but the blogger. Jenna. OMG. She brings hot mess to a whole new level getting into an argument with another woman and saying the seven words I was quite certain I'd NEVER  hear in my life: Maybe. We. Can. Share. A. Tampon. Sometime.

WTF? (I think I'll be asking that a lot this season!)

And in the most dramatic rose ceremony ever, (I'm sure Chris Harrison would agree as, isn't every rose ceremony the most dramatic?) she pries herself off the bathroom floor where she was crying hysterically about not following her own advice that she blogs about- and gets a rose. But of course she does. She only adds to the dramz. See #1.

3. The unexpected. The horse! The bacon! The grandma! And that was just last night.

Lindzi rides in on a horse and secures the first impression rose. And of course prompts one of the women (the model- who looks like she's going to be CRAZY this season) to say,  f*ck her and the horse she rode in on.

Amber B. (a.k.a. Amber Bacon) offers Ben a taste! (No one likes bacon that much. No one.)

And Brittney brings her sweet, 72-year-old grandmother who raised her. (A brilliant play, btw!)  And who, even though she is SEVENTY TWO, is apparently not safe from bashing (is nothing sacred?). The catty women can't hold back even for a little old lady- talking shit on grams and her wrinkly skin. Two words: Eff. Them.

4. The wine. Oh this part is all about me even though two Bachelors have been in the wine biz- Andrew Firestone and now, Ben Flanjik. I'm referring to what goes on in my own living room as I watch. A nice deep pour from a nice bottle of red just makes it all even more delicious. Oh, and it doesn't hurt that the women seem to drink a sh*t load of it too.

5. The love. What can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic. And they do fall- so madly and deeply-as they hold each other tight in their bathing suits (or as this season's promo promises, in their birthday suits). And I am rooting for them- all of them. Even the ones that gross me out like the high-waisted pants wearing CRAZY pilot Jake. Because there's someone for everyone. Right, Vienna?

And before I go, here's the woman who would've gotten the first impression rose from me last night (because I can't totally bash everyone and everything!): Kacie B.  (What can I say, I'm a sucker for a southern accent!)

Here's to another delicious season! I'll be toasting next week's episode with a bottle of wine from Ben's Evolve Winery.

xoxo,

Lisa

Watch This, Not That By Lisa

We've made no secret about the fact that we love TV. All kinds of TV. From the good to the really, really bad (in a good way) kind. And we've also never had a problem hopping up on our soapboxes and giving our two cents about shows like The Bachelor. So...our love of TV + our love of sharing our opinion= our latest feature, Watch this Not that.

Watch this:

Say Yes to the Dress I'm not sure if it's the fact that my wedding is *gulp* TEN days away or that I'm just strangely obsessed with brides and their entourages as they shop a gown that makes them "look like a princess", but I'm in LOVE.  I. Can't. Stop. Watching.  I've even got my fiance hooked (don't tell him I told you!) and scratching his head as he tries to figure out why so many grooms-to-be have an opinion on what type of dress their fiance should buy. I say a groom who knows what a mermaid dress is= gay.

The Bachelor First of all, I don't know about you, but when I picked up this week's Us Weekly and saw "Vienna's Secret" on the cover, I thought I was going to read that someone finally uncovered a picture of her penis because she IS A MAN. Not that she used to dance topless (bore-ring). When dull Jake was picked as the Bachelor, I thought this season was going to suck ass. But thanks to the women, it's been one mental breakdown after another. (um, Ali, you work in ad sales for Facebook, not in the White House) And now that it's down to the Penis and Tenley, I'm wondering if Jake picks the Penis and then reveals that he's gay. And then he'd suddenly become very interesting. So...I say even though we all want to slit our wrists with the overplaying of "On the Wings of Love" hang in there and keep watching- especially Monday's "The Women Tell All" when crazy pants Michelle, a.k.a. "Um, Jake, I know we just met five seconds ago, but I need you to know that I'm ready to get married and give my mother grandchildren" is baaaack!

Not that:

Grey's Anatomy Okay, so I have a confession. I broke up with Grey's earlier this season. But then Ugly Betty got canceled (how am I going to live without bitchy Mark's one-liners?) and it freed up some space in my DVR and I gave Grey's a second chance. Well, just like you shouldn't take an ex-boyfriend back when he comes a beggin', you should not get sucked back in by a show that's clearly jumped the shark. No need to doubt me on this. The highlights are: Bailey still gives about five speeches an episode that are all some version of I'm angry, single and did I mention angry? The Chief is in rehab and Derek is taking his place (yawn, snore) and little Grey died her hair blonde. Um, yeah, they don't really do medicine on the show anymore.

Dating in the Dark I just read that it got renewed. Now, I'm into the good kind of bad TV as much as the next gal (um, even I got sucked in by Snooki). But  I have to draw the line somewhere. And I'm sorry, but are we really supposed to believe that even though people are tugging on each others love handles and going through their underwear drawers, that they're really basing their decisions solely on their personalities? Sorry, but if you're going to be so shallow, can you at least give me some better lighting while you do it?

xoxo, Lisa

Writing Wednesdays By Lisa

Happy Hump Day! We’re excited to be debuting our feature, Writing Wednesdays where we’ll, well, write about writing. On Wednesdays.

And to celebrate, we're giving away five HeartThreads t-shirts with messages about love, wisdom, faith and inspiration worn close to the heart! Get it? Just leave a comment on this post (like how much you love us and our writing! *wink* *wink* ) and be entered to win.

So, back to Writing Wednesdays. As much as we LOVE to bag on The Bachelor and spout off about our relationships here at CLIND, "wax poetic" about books for Barnes and Noble and She Knows and make quips about parenting for Real Moms Guide, writing books is our #1 passion.

As many of you know, we’re in the homestretch of completing The D Word, our dual narrative novel about two women who walked away from their relationships because they thought they wanted more. But when more turns out to be the complicated world of divorce, they begin to second-guess everything.

And as we prepare to plunge head first into the pool with all of the other hungry writers hoping to find the perfect agent and publisher for his/her book, we hope you’ll follow along with us as we reveal the good, the bad and undoubtedly, very ugly parts of our literary journey.

We’re proud to report that so far, it’s been mostly good with just a tiny bit bad and one part fugly mixed in!

104,000 words

6 months

3 days at a “writing retreat” in Palm Springs (shout out to our cabana boys!)

2 plot changes

1 virtual door slam=

Our nearly completed manuscript.

We’re almost there. So close. We can smell the paper of the final draft as it’s coming off the printer. We can see the manuscript being sent to prospective agents that have requested a partial or *crossing fingers* a full! But it’s just out of reach because we’re still in the editing process. A place we could live for the rest of our lives if we’re, or should I say “I’m”, not careful.

Which brings me back to the virtual door slam. Which I can say I deserved. Liz was fed up with my editing tactics and basically hung up on me over email. If I was my own writing partner, I would’ve done the same. Because there comes a time when you just have to let go and accept that you’re officially done tweaking your ms. Or you run the risk of ending up like my eyebrows did after I finally discovered tweezers- with not much left. And without getting into all the “gory” details of  the angry email Liz wrote to me, I can tell you it was something along the lines of: You. Have. To. Freakin’. Stop. Now. (Okay, so maybe she used a different variation of freakin’-one that rhymes with plucking.)

But it’s just so hard. I’m like a crack addict trying not to hit the pipe. Like the woman on a diet who swears she won’t break into the leftover Halloween candy. Like the shopaholic who convinces herself that “online” shopping isn’t as bad. I go into the ms with the intention of only looking for missing words or punctuation errors. But then I notice a sentence that maybe if I worded it just a little differently, could be even better. And before I know it, I’ve re-written two paragraphs! And Liz is using variations of freakin’ all over again.

So I’ve now made an official promise to Liz that I’m letting go. This week, we’re doing our final read through and unless there’s an entire chapter missing, I’m really not allowed to touch it. And this is why it’s good to have a writing partner. You can balance each other out. Her weaknesses (remembering not to write emails before caffeine) are often my strengths (remembering not to read her emails before 10:30 a.m. CST) and vice versa.

Wish us luck reaching our editing deadline in one piece! Although I’m assuming that if we haven’t killed each other so far (and believe me, there have been opportunities that could have sent even Gandhi down the violent path), we’re really in no serious danger of a death by Chick Lit manuscript anytime soon.

xoxo, Lisa

Bachelor, I can't quit you by Liz

The girl who preferred  the cameraman. That crazy bitch from Anaheim.

The hawt non-kissing nanny.

Bachelor, I can't quit you.

Since that faithful day back in March of 2002, The Bachelor had me at Will you accept this rose? Feminism be damned, I ate up every moment of this newest reality trainwreck.  And when Trista burst onto the scene in all her post-cheerleading glory, I was cheering at my TV screen as she and  sensitive firefighter Ryan (Does anyone else remember those pictures he used to draw for her?) tied the knot while dozens of helicopters circled their ceremony. And I think I might have been the only one that watched that lame ass special about their (incredibly boring!) bachelor and bachelorette parties.

I drooled over winemaker Andrew Firestone (still my all-time fave!)  and chuckled with funny guy turned kissing bandit Bob Guiney. I crossed my fingers that older bachelor Byron would choose one of the Cougars rather than one of the twenty-somethings brought in to create drama and even held my breath as  super boring Bachelorette Meredith gave her final rose to Ian. I was officially a Bachelor junkie.

However, my interest started to dwindle around season seven.  I wasn't quite sure if it was due to the recent birth of my first child or Charlie O'Connell's overall lameness. But either way, I fell off the wagon for a few years, leaving diehard fans like Lisa to fend for themselves on Mondays nights. (Sorry about that!)  I just couldn't sign off on that fake prince, the football player or the guy with the accent.  To my husband's delight, I declared I was done with The Bachelor forever.

But then came single dad and complete DOUCHEBAG Jason Mesnick.  I was drawn in all over again, fascinated why an attractive man with a young child would choose such a path to meet their soulmate. How in the world his ex could have ever signed off on such a thing. I was so pissed that I even put it on my official "If I Go-Go this is a No-No" list. But even in all my righteousness, I recognized damn good TV when I saw it.  And I think we can all agree that, for once, Chris Harrison wasn't exaggerating when he stated that it was going to be THE MOST DRAMATIC AFTER THE FINAL ROSE CEREMONY EVER.

So I was back. The next season, I found myself screaming at my TV every time Jillian gave hot two-timing asshole Wes a rose and stifling a giggle as Jake cried over the balcony in his high-waisted pants. It was too good not to blog about.

I'll be honest- I wasn't thrilled when I heard that the producers had chosen Jake, the previously mentioned high-waisted pants wearing crybaby.  I had been hoping for Reid, who I had harbored a secret crush on the previous season. So I was pleasantly surprised as Jake was introduced to all the new girls moving into what I like to now call "Crazytown".

But what surprised me the most wasn't the fact that they cast someone like Michelle from Anaheim, who seems clearly unbalanced, but that Jake wasn't the complete snoozefest I'd thought he'd be. It was what kept me coming back for more, despite that RIDICULOUS amount of flying puns during the first cocktail party.  And must we even bring up the "On the Wings of Love" flying montage? *Gag*

Despite that, he earned my respect (the term "respect" being used loosely here) by kicking that nut Michelle to the curb immediately after she demanded to kiss him and then deemed it unworthy when no tongue was involved. And I couldn't have been happier than when he called that Mary Poppins wannabe Elizabeth out on her cock-teasing and then sent her packing.

And as I anxiously await the knowledge of which two women will be shamed when their precious roses are thrown in the fire and to witness the next Ali/Vienna catfight, I realize that I've reached an all-new low in my reality TV watching. (Well, unless you count that Jersey Shore marathon when I was sick.)   But I don't care.  I'm proud to say you'll find me sitting in front of my television each Monday at 8pm.  You know you want to join me!

xoxo, Liz

IF I GO-GO THIS IS A NO-NO

Quick update on Brian: Still in ICU, still sedated, still waiting for breathing tube to come out.  Unfortunately, patience is not a virtue in my family so we feel frustrated with the lack of progress but still feel hopeful that he'll pull through.  Thanks again to all of you who have reached out to our family! Brian's accident got me thinking.  Well, actually, if I'm being totally honest, it was The Bachelor finale that sparked this idea and then my brother's brush with death really got the ball rolling.  While watching After the Final Rose, I turned to my husband and told him that if I die and he decides to become the next Bachelor to find a new Mommy for our kids that I will come back and haunt the f*ck out of that Bachelor house.  He then reminded me of a few other "if I die" threats that I've made over the years.  Hmm, he was right, I did use that threat occasionally.  Then my brother got in his accident, reminding me how fragile and random life can be.

That's when I decided it would just be easier if I put all my "if I die" rants  down on paper so Mike knows what's up if I drop dead anytime soon.

Liz's If I go-go this is a no-no List:

1.  Do not go on The Bachelor or any other lame dating show and be billed as "the single dad".  You'll just end up looking like a douche-bag.  Ask Jason.

2.  But...Don't be a martyr.  Find someone else!  Just make sure she is a little less hot then me and weighs at least 5lbs more. And has a big nose. And horse teeth.

3.  And..Don't hook up with any of my friends-everyone will think that you secretly wanted them when I was alive. And I will definitely see that sh*t, no matter where I am. Just think of me as "always watching..."

4. Don't go on American Idol and use me to get votes, even if you do have a pretty good voice.

5. Don't Facebook about me.  In fact, just don't Facebook.  You've gone this long without it, why start now that I'm dead?

6.  Don't try to cook.  The kids have been traumatized enough.  Why not use all that life insurance money to hire a chef?

7. Don't fall in love with above-mentioned chef, unless she fits criteria listed in number two.

8. Don't forget that your belt needs to match your shoes! Brown with brown, black with black.  Why is it so hard to remember?

9. Don't blow all the insurance money at Sportsbook.com. Or playing 32 at Roulette.

10. And never, under any circumstances, are you allowed to go back to having John Tesh hair or wearing jean shorts and Birkenstocks, like you did when we first met.

xoxo Liz