First, we're so happy that Liz's brother, Brian, is doing a little better. I'd like to give a big shout out to Facebook for helping Liz and her family pull through. As we saw in her hilarious posts, Facebooking in the ICU was essential to Liz's sanity! I even dubbed her the Queen of Facebookwhoreland because of course I support Facebooking anytime, anywhere!-- I Facebook on the toilet for crying out loud! So, I've now been on this fabulous social networking site for just about four months. And I pretty much went from being a Facebook virgin to a total whore overnight. (It's funny how easily the slutty side came out- or maybe it's not?)
I laugh now as I think back to the beginning; when I thought this whole Facebook thing was going to be solely about reconnecting with childhood friends and keeping up with "real-life" friends' pregnancies, babies, etc... I remember making ridonculous claims like "I wouldn't accept any co-workers" (sorry to say it out loud y'all but you know you considered it too) or I wouldn't send ANY friend requests. Instead, I'd wait for "them to come to me". Or Liz will recall when I professed that I wouldn't accept anyone I couldn't remember. Ha! Those were the days...days of such sweet naivete. Before I unleashed the Facebook ho bag inside!
And now, I'm a slut. Friend slut, that is. I used to spend a painstaking amount of time crafting my "pitch" to get you to accept me. Now, more times than not, I don't even include a message. I just send blindly. You don't know me, I don't know you. But I'm banking on the fact that maybe you're a whore too. (Or sleep around just a little).
But please let me clarify. I do like you. Maybe only because you're on Facebook, but still, I like you (isn't it good for friends to have things in common?) And I do want to be your "friend", really I do. But because friends shouldn't lie to friends, I'll be honest and tell you that I do sort of think of you as a conquest... another notch on my Facebook belt, if you will.
I'm on my way to 500 friends (I'm proud to say this includes some recently recruited moms, including my own! Hi mom!) and some of you might consider that a big number, but not me. Not when there are people with thousands of friends. Oh how I envy them!
Recently, someone suggested that I start a group for Facebook whores. And being the whore that I am, I formed Facebook Whores United! six and a half minutes later. But silly me didn't think to check if someone else had already claimed that name (only about two dozen others). So, then I changed it to Facebook whores on Fire... but after saying it out loud three times, it sounded a bit risque- even for me. And as I was looking for another name I discovered that some of the groups are literally
Whores. On. Facebook.
Oh... even I hadn't considered that. But that's ok- no judgement here. There's room for all kinds o' slutty in these parts. (Warning: shameless solicitation coming) But if you want to join our group, I'll make it easy for ya. Just click here: Facebook Whores & Proud of It!
So in celebration of my four-month anniversary, let me get on my soapbox (so hard for me!) and rant about what I consider to be some Facebook Faux Pas. You might wonder why I, who's probably committing several just by writing this post, would be pointing out others' faux pas? All I can tell you is even a floozy has to draw the line somewhere. Consider this my line in the Facebook sand.
1. TOP FRIENDS --WTF is this and how do you think it makes me feel when I'm not one of the "highlighted" people? Hey, you're my friend, but you're simply not as important as everyone else. I may be a friend whore, but at least I'm not going to rank you!
2. QUIZ NO-NO'S Why? What on Earth compels you to take a quiz and answer questions about whether or not you think I'm the type of person to contract an STD? Or am into porn? You do realize I get these notifications, right? Ewww... is that why you're doing it?
3. STATUS REPORT ABUSE I think a status report is a privilege, not a right. So why must you abuse it? I've already mentioned how nauseating it is for me when you write inappropriate things on my wall. But now you're taking it to the status report where everyone has to suffer? Just yesterday, you updated your status that you didn't understand why you're husband wasn't signing his divorce papers? Really? You're really going to bitch about that on Facebook?
4. STATUS BREAK UPS My real-life friend 's Facebook friend recently announced his breakup in his status report--just to get a rise out of his ex. Another of my "friends" constantly posts status reports about breaking up, getting back together, breaking up. People, I beg you, stop abusing Facebook in this way....the status reports and switching between single & in a relationship aren't supposed to be used to retaliate against a significant other...because then we are all caught in the middle! Please don't fight in front of your Facebook friends! (Also please see #3- status abuse)
5. SHAMELESS SOLICITATION STATUS You constantly use your status to plug your blog or your book or your this or your that....oh wait, that's us! Oops... On that note, Liz and I would like to use this opportunity to thank all of you who are following our blog on Facebook... but if you're not, let me make it easy for ya. Just click here. Wink. Wink. Networkedblogs Chick Lit Is Not Dead