I was watching 30 Rock last season when my hero, Liz Lemon, uttered what I was sure would become my new catchphrase. And after laughing so hard I snorted, I immediately grabbed my journal and wrote these five glorious words: NOT ON MY WATCH, BEYOTCH! I then declared to my husband that I was determined to say it at least five times the next day. At the time, he just laughed and shook his head, probably just hoping and praying I wouldn't be saying it to him!
So, the next day, I ran out into the world, anxious to find a situation to unleash my new favorite phrase. Until... I forgot. Like my daily resolve to log all my Weight Watcher points and to say the word "Fudge" rather than "F*ck", it was forgotten faster than you say Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom.
Fast forward to yesterday. I was perusing my journal, desperately looking for some blog inspiration when I came across this rhyming, cursing, genius phrase I wrote down over four months ago. And I fell in love all over again. Because it just so happens that for me, Rhyming + Cursing= Love.
So I resolved right then and there to use it five times. And as I set out into the world the next morning, ready to lay the best line EVUH on some unsuspecting clerk/friend/client/teacher, I remembered one important thing:
I am a total, utterly hopeless, people-pleasing ass kisser. Or as my more vulgar friends would say, a total p*ssy.
Hmmm...so what to do? Well, I'll have you know I did what any self-respecting brown-noser would do. I thought it in my head and then ran out and wrote it in my journal.
But if I had the balls to actually say it, it would have been AWESOME. And here's where I would have casually inserted it into conversation...
- What? You think you can just cut in front of me in the express lane at Target? With TWELVE items in your basket? NOT ON MY WATCH BEYOTCH!
- Seriously Lisa? You don't "really care" if we drink at your bachelorette party in January? You just want to "relax" and "enjoy" everyone's company? NOT ON MY WATCH BEYOTCH! (MAID OF HONOR EDITION)
- Really Loehmanns? You won't take back the overpriced Coach wannabe Uggs that I bought on a whim before I remembered the temperature only drops below 65 degrees one week a year in So Cal? NOT ON MY WATCH BEYOTCH!
- Come on, 22 year old server at Benihana knockoff, you could at least ask for my ID when your sign says you card everyone that looks under forty. So. Not. Cool. And I didn't appreciate your eye roll when I pulled it out anyway! NOT ON MY WATCH BEYOTCH!
Come on, promise you'll use it in conversation tomorrow. Or better yet, tell us where you wish you had used it! The two best NOT ON MY WATCH BEYOTCH situations will win a signed copy of I'LL HAVE WHO SHE'S HAVING!