Although many may disagree, I've kind of always thought of myself as a low-maintenance kind of gal. Well...except for that whole "have to be punctual or I'll kill you" thing. Or the fact that if I don't eat every three hours I may rip off your arm and beat you over the head with it. Oh, and did I mention that I also tend to be a bit High Maintenance on my birthday too?
I'll be the first to admit that it's virtually impossible for the Hubs to find the perfect gift. And the fact that he has limited shopping skills isn't helping his case at all. (I've always felt that I shop enough for both of us!) But the biggest problem is that if I want something, well, I usually just go buy it! (Did I mention I have impulse-control issues?)
So after many years of awkward gift opening, I have asked the Hubs, no make that begged him, to STOP buying me gifts. I mean, how many times can you fake enthusiam for household appliances?
This year, I thought we had the system down. He buys me nothing, I buy myself something fabulous, we go to dinner without the kids, I get buzzed, eat some free Lava Pie and and we all go home happy. Right?
Instead, I came home on my birthday to find a red velvet box on the counter with a card. And I knew from past experience that this could mean only one thing. He had snuck over to see Kim Po. Kim Po was our jeweler, and the hubs always went to him in a time of need. Kim Po could always be counted on for beautiful jewelry and astrological readings. A great combination! Where else could you get your diamond ring fixed while finding out if this is the year of the Ox? (Btw, it isn't.)
I went over and grabbed the box off the counter and slowly opened it to reveal a beautiful sapphire pendant and chain. Wow, I thought, how beautiful! I'm sure that most women who weren't SEVERLY ALLERGIC TO METAL would really enjoy wearing this. I'm sure it would look lovely on my neck for that one hour before I developed a NASTY WELT where the chain touched my skin. And I'm sure he wouldn't mind when we went to dinner that night that I was blinded by my SWOLLEN EYES.
Oh, Hubs. I know he meant well. I guess the fact that I haven't worn so much as a watch in the past year has escaped his memory. Or that the entire year before when I went to five doctors trying to figure out why I had crackwhore eyes for three days every time I wore my sassy sparkly MAC eyeshadow. I could just imagine him, panicking a few days before my birthday and running to Kim Po's, his gift-giving safe place. So yes, part of me understood. But it didn't mean I wasn't pissed!
And maybe, just maybe, I acted a little bratty about it. (Don't judge! I already told you I was HM about this shit!) But let's just say I found a way to forgive him when he surprised me with a waterfront suite later that night. And after a few drinks at dinner, we made a pact that he will nevuh, evuh, buy me anything ever again. And he also agreed to let me share with you his top three birthday blunders...
1. A LANDLINE
It was a phone that plugged into the wall. For our bedroom. For our first Christmas together after we got married. Need I say more? I made note to never again complain about any household appliance within two months of my birthday or Christmas.
2. A THREE HOUR TOUR
Welcome to your wonderful getaway to...CATALINA! Now for those of you unfamiliar with this tiny island off the California coast, let me just tell you that it could quite possibly be the most boring place on earth. None of the "motels"(yep, MOTELS!) even have pools. Or spas. Or room service. Has this man not been paying attention for the past ten years? I am the. Biggest. Travel. Snob. EVUH!
3. GIFT CARDS
Public service announcement: Dudes, Don't ever get your wife gift cards. Just don't. And if you do, don't buy the same one for every birthday and Christmas gift for three years. Your wife may begin to think you lack imagination...
After reading that, it's probably clear why my poor Hubs threw in the towel on a high maintenance birthday beyotch like myself. And that's okay. Because he gives me the best gift every single day that doesn't cost a thing...his love, support and respect! Love you Hubs! xoxo