Josie Brown's 5 Things I'd Tell The Teen Me

Our guest today: Josie Brown Why we love her: She writes about seemingly perfect people and communities that turn out to be not so perfect.

Her latest eBook: The Housewife Assassin's Handbook

The dealio on it: Every housewife wants an alias. Donna Stone* has one, and it happens to be government sanctioned. Oh sure, you need to be ruthless to take on Russian mafia bosses, rogue dictators, and terrorists set on destroying the world. But it takes real killer instincts to survive suburbia. Try juggling the fifth grade phone tree during a shootout with skinhead arms dealers.

Donna’s life wasn’t always this complicated. Five years earlier she was just another woman with two preschoolers, a baby bump, and an adoring husband: Carl, with whom she lived happily ever after in a McMansion in the Orange County, California community of Hilldale. But Donna’s life was changed forever the night she delivered her baby: Carl’s car blew up on the way to the hospital.

Turns out Carl was a “hard man”—an assassin—for the black ops organization known as Acme Industries. The hit on Alex was carried out by the Quorum, a terrorist cell he was tracking. The Quorum’s motto: “Show me the money.” Governments and corporations do as they’re told—or suffer bloody consequences. To protect herself and avenge Carl’s death, Donna joined Acme. Whereas her hostessing skills rival Martha Stewart’s, her marksmanship is second to none.

A good thing, too, because the Quorum has planted a sleeper cell in Hilldale. Acme’s way of flushing out the Quorum is by “bringing Carl back from the dead.” But terrorism makes strange bedfellows--and brings new meaning to that old adage “Honey, I’m home…”

Our thoughts: Fun and sassy, just the way we like it over here!

Giveaway: We have FIVE eCopies!  Just leave a comment by Sunday May 13th at 6pm PST. And for a chance to win a $50 giftcard to the bookstore of your choice, enter The Housewife Assassin Handbook’s Mother’s Day Contest by reading an excerpt here…

Fun Fact: ABC has bought the rights to Josie's novel,  The Secret Lives of Husbands and Wives and will be developing it into a series!


1: Listen to your gut. A few years back I ran into an old boyfriend: someone I’d dated for four years, back when I was a mere twentysomething. Back then I thought he was a keeper. Obviously he had other ideas, which is why,  when I walked into his apartment unannounced and found him in bed with someone else,  I gave into the urge to ram his car in a tree.  Warp speed  a decade later: After the shock and awe of seeing each other, we warily played catch up. Of course, by then both of us were married to others, and had children.

 “You told me that you never wanted kids,” he said with a “A-ha!”  tone.

 “I don’t remember that,” was my response. Then it hit me: “In hindsight, I guess what I meant was, ‘I never want to have kids with you.’”

 Your gut tells you when things are right or wrong. He was all wrong for me. Instead I married the right man, and together we share two children who are (to paraphrase Mary Poppins) practically perfect in every way.

2: Do whatever it is that will make you feel great about yourself. Get contacts. Get vajazzled. Straighten your hair. Hell, get a Mohawk, if you want. Confidence is a priceless trait. No one is saying that looking like Lisbeth Salander is going to change your life (okay, maybe looking like her will crossing the street because they think you’re a badass) but if you look fabulous, you feel fabulous, too.

 3. Be a friend—and hang with friends. How do you know if someone is a true friend? You find that answer when the chips are down.

A good friend is someone who loves you even when you’re not at your best: when you’ve been kicked to the curb by the guy in your life, when you’re having a bad hair day, and when everyone else acts as if you’ve got cooties. Being a friend means having the guts to be the same, even when others have lost confidence in your pal.  Having one or two real friends whom you can call when life is mean or slow or awesome, is priceless. Here’s hoping you find them somewhere on your life’s journey.

4. Karma is a bitch, so don’t cross her. If you find it hard to curb the urge to slash and burn on whimsy, inevitably there will be payback. (Cue SFX of evil cackle…) And yes, it will happen when you least expect it. (Hint: Always wear clean underwear.)

5. Never give up on your dreams. Our dreams define us. They are what drive us to be our best selves. If you believe you can accomplish something, you can. I’m not trying to sound like Tony Roberts or the best fortune cookie you ever opened, but I am living proof that if you have the talent and determination to do something, no one can stand in your way.

 Well, maybe one person: YOU.

Thanks Josie! xoxo, L&L

To read more about Josie, head on over to her website or find her on Facebook and Twitter.