big ben

(Inanimate) Object of My Affection (part 2) By Liz & Lisa

We wrote about this topic just a couple of months ago...but already, so many new electronic devices have come into our lives. And we've fallen so hard for these objects! The way they blend a smoothie "stirs" something deep within and the speed in which they access the Internet makes us dizzy ...with lust!  Or even the way they so effortlessly make the most perfect cup of coffee really gets the heart racin' in more ways than one *wink* *wink*. And although our affections are all in fun, there's a term for people that, um, really want to be much more than friends with things like Big Ben (get your mind out of the gutter-we're talking about the famous clock!) or the world's largest catsup bottle. They suffer from a condition called objectum sexuality. So no need to worry--unless someday you find one of us dry humping the Eiffel Tower.

In the meantime, we're dying for you to meet our new battery-powered boyfriends, And even though we love them, the only action they're getting is some fast-fingered texting or a really hard cucumber to chop up.


Hp Mini Notebook aka Webbie

Liz spends most of her day in the car. And as you can imagine, that makes it hard for a girl to keep up with her Internet addiction.  Her Facebook wall posts would go *gasp* hours before being addressed and she would completely miss Twitter's #Follow Friday.  And the fact that Lisa and Crystal (our fabulous and uber-talented publicist) email each other every five minutes wasn't helping. (Their banter! So witty! She was jealous!) And after a particularly busy day of postings, poking and reply alls, Liz determined her brokedown Palm Centro just wasn't cutting it anymore.

That's when she found Webbie.   And even though she normally preferred larger electronics, she found his small size and wireless aircard appealing. He was so cute!  And whenever she was out with him in public, people would always stop to ask about him.  Soon Liz found herself tweeting with abandon and bantering with Lisa and Crystal like she didn't have a care in the world!  Webbie even traveled with her to Cabo, although he strongly disapproved of her dalliance with Don Julio. Apparently, he thought her dizziness and dry heaving in the mornings cut into his time with her.  That Webbie has quite a jealous streak!

Which is why Liz found it odd that Palm Centro starting taking a turn for the worse when Webbie strolled into town.  Never the workhorse, Palm Centro had always been able to do at least the basics.  Now all of sudden he struggled to send a text and wanted to hot-sync in inappropriate places.  Then, one morning, he hot-synced himself to death, literally. RIP Palm Centro.

And was that a smile we saw on Webbie's screen?  Little did he know, the next phone in Liz's life would possibly render him obsolete.  And his name was...

Barry Blackberry

Liz had a bad attitude about Barry at first.  She didn't know if he'd be able to meet all her needs.  She needed a partner that could keep up with her (She just turned 35!  She's in her prime!) and wasn't sure he was up for the task.

But she soon discovered that Barry was everything she wanted in a man phone and more.  He was always there to let her know the very second an email came in.  And Facebook?  Barry Blackberry didn't want her to miss out on anything, even if it was that person who keeps inviting her to play Farmville (WTH is that, anyway?) or that crazy guy from high school that won't stop harassing his ex-wife in his status updates.

And Webbie?  Well, let's just say that he's been crunching more fantasy football stats than keeping up with his social networking these days.  Liz, always looking to trade up when it comes to her electronics, kicked him to the curb in favor of Barry.  Webbie started feeling heavy and bloated and she was getting everything she needed from B. (Her private nickname for him.)

But don't worry about Webbie!  Liz's husband Mike has been keeping that little guy company.  He's even renamed him "Webina".   And although that confuses him a bit, he's just happy to have someone's fingers keeping his keyboard warm every night.


Keurig Single Cup Coffee Brewing System aka Kirby

It's no secret that Lisa is a major caffeine junkie. If she doesn't get that jolt of energy within minutes of waking up, she can make a crackwhore look tame.  Just talk to anyone who's made the mistake of asking her difficult questions like, "How are you?" before she's had her java. (Like that poor UPS guy who unfortunately crossed her pre-caffeinated path--he never did deliver another package!)

For years, she's had a Starbucks addiction. Each morning, she'd order her Venti bold with sugar-free vanilla. The baristas knew her by name and her order by heart. And even when the economy went down the toilet, she vowed she'd cut "everything and anything" other than her daily grind. Well, until she met Kirby.

It was love at first cup. And within minutes of taking in his compact, yet strong exterior and watching as he filled her coffee cup with so little effort it felt like magic, Lisa was under his spell. Her new boyfriend, Kirby, just made everything so easy. Her heart skipped a beat as she simply put a "K" cup inside, pressed a button and *voila* coffee!  Gone were the days of manual labor like cleaning filters and grinding beans. And it was then she declared, "once you go single cup you never go back!"

And even though she's been cheating on Starbucks for weeks, she doesn't feel the least bit guilty about it. Especially since he wasn't there for her when she traveled route 66! (As if!) She's not saying she'll never go back to him, but she's no longer relying on him to solve her (caffeine) problems. That's fo show!

But Lisa is not quite sure how to break the news to Kirby that there's a new gadget in town...

The Magic Bullet, aka, The Bullet

Recently, Lisa saw something on TV that made her stop dead in her tracks on the treadmill. His name was The Magic Bullet and no, he's not that kind of device ladies. But he'll still turn you on with his many bells and whistles and his incredible (blending) technique.

Lisa bought him and brought him home that very day. She was so excited as she unpacked him and sized up his, er, parts. She was high with anticipation as she slowly filled him with ice,  fruit, milk and protein powder and watched her beloved bullet blend away. Twenty seconds later, she was drinking a delicious smoothie. And as soon as Lisa finished it, she was ready to go again!

She blended with abandon. Strawberry banana! Blueberry! Peanut butter! She grabbed his recipe book firmly and started planning all the beautiful things they'd make together. Guacamole! Salsa! Spaghetti sauce! The sky was going to be the limit with Lisa and The Bullet.

Or at least that's what she thought until...he COULDN'T GET IT UP!

It happened when she tried to make salsa and The Bullet's blade just wouldn't chop. She tried again, because maybe he just needed a little help...She pushed down on his lid and prayed he'd be able to make the onions look like they did in the picture. But unfortunately, the salsa just came out looking like soup with huge pieces of onion in it. Lisa was crushed that her boyfriend couldn't perform. She wondered if this is what Jillian felt like in the fantasy suite with Ed?

Lisa hasn't tried to make salsa since and has decided to stick to smoothies only. She doesn't want to upset The Bullet and she definitely doesn't want to find out that he won't be able to get his blade moving, yet again.

xoxo, Liz & Lisa