brad pitt

The Bride Card By Lisa

Some might say the President of the United States is the most powerful man in the world. Others might argue its celebrities like Madonna, Elton John or Brad Pitt who dominate. I say there’s no doubt those people are all important, but there’s someone with a lot more influence and authority. Someone who red carpets roll out for, champagne constantly appears for and anyone will do anything for.

The bride.

For one day, more important than any other uniform in the world is the white dress and veil. And more exclusive and powerful than even the elusive black American Express is another card. A card you only get to carry for one day. A card that you can milk for access to anyone and anything. A card that gets you a yes to any question you ask. A card that allows you to act however you want and still get whatever you want.

The bride card.

Even my award-winning Matron of Honor, Liz, (more on that in a minute) used it. In fact, I might even argue she became drunk with power as the words bridal suite rolled off her tongue with such ease you’d think she’d lived in the 650 square foot space all of her life. If I so much as blinked or even slightly furrowed my brow, Liz was on the phone faster than you can say bridezilla expertly using some combination of the words, “the bride wants”, “the bride needs” or “the bride is REALLY, REALLY thirsty and will ONLY drink White Star champagne.”

Or even when the bride card wasn’t being used for me, but was not so secretly being used for her (um, like rush ordering a hamburger the night before my wedding because the “bride was hungry”) as far as I’m concerned, she was entitled to use it. She deserved to whip out the card because she blocked and tackled like there was no tomorrow. Forget that dude from The Blind Side, Liz may as well have been 6'7" and 350 pounds of rippling muscle as she watched my back.

Like when she offered to kick the asses of certain people who got a little over excited about the concept of an open bar or when she promised to personally rip the wildly inappropriate ensemble off a certain someone and replace it with something far more acceptable like a burlap sack or when my photographer asked us to “dolphin kiss” (not Matt and me—Liz and me!) for the second time (the first was traumatic enough) and she whispered through her toothless smile, “if he even infers we should hold hands, I’ll shove his camera where the sun don’t shine.”

And all the while, I got to float along behind her with a huge toothy smile on my face- wondering if this was what the Queen of England or a mob boss felt like- having someone else to do their dirty work for them.

I’d like to take a moment to give Liz the Matron of Honor of the Year award and thank her for:

  • Wearing four-inch heels during the ceremony even though the highest she ever goes is 1.5.
  • Reminding me to keep things in perspective. Most notably when I called her in a heated panic over a mysterious rash that had appeared on my back and she sternly yet softly warned me that I’d better get it together and realize there were people out there with real problems- like in Haiti.
  • Telling me it was okay that I cried with joy when I saw and loved myself in my wedding dress.
  • And also that it was okay to say out loud that as a producer I thought my wedding was a damn. Good. Show.
  • Sticking her entire head under my wedding dress to put on my “something borrowed” garter and smiling bravely as she got more up close and personal than even my Russian bikini waxer, Tatiana, and saw things she should’ve never had to see. In. Her. Entire. Life. (We’re close, but not that close!)
  • For doing her bride proud and giving a kick ass, laugh out loud MOH speech. (Hilarious highlights include, but are not limited to, the reminder of the pure bred cat I came dangerously close to ordering in the height of my singledom, the list of former metrosexual boyfriends including the Ryan Seacrest wannabe and the very astute and simultaneously frightening observation that my husband, Matt is practically Liz in a wig.)

Thank you, MOH!!!!

Well, I'm happy to report that my wedding day was the best day of my life. And it's not because I got to play the bride card (okay maybe that was a tiny part of it) but because I have the best friends and family anyone could ask for! And I married the best man I could ever ask for.

Oh, and I wore the best. damn. dress. evuh!

On that note-would it be weird if I arbitrarily decided to wear my wedding dress, say, out to dinner or even to run errands? The thought of packing her away makes me too sad for words and the thought of not being the bride anymore, well, I can't even talk about it!




From Hunk to Junk by Liz & Lisa

You know how something so good....can also be so bad? Like juicy gossip or an episode of Rock of Love.

Or a one night stand.... The night before, he's tall, dark and handsome. The next morning, you wish it was still dark because he's just tall.

Or your college crush....In college, he's gorgeous with a six pack. On Facebook, he's balding and the victim of drinking far too many six packs.

Or even our favorite celebrity man candy. In one movie, he can be so freakin' sweet and in the next, so very, very sour. It's amazing how a hair piece and twenty pounds can transform People's Sexiest Man Alive from totally HOT to totally NOT. From HUNK to JUNK. From LUST to BUST. Well, you get the idea...

So here's our list of actors who've played characters that TURN US ON...that we'd love to end up on the casting couch with *wink* *wink*... But who've also played characters that TURN US OFF--because they thought it would be A-OK to look ugly so they could win an Academy Award or some bullshit like that!


#1. Patrick Dempsey


HELL YEAH! Robert Philip in Enchanted.

After drooling over him every Thursday night on Grey's (and always secretly hoping those scrubs would somehow just fall off already), I was ecstatic to discover McDreamy was headed to the silver screen. Now, I'm not normally a movie theatre-goer, but for 70 feet of Mc Dreamy, I made DAMN SURE my four-year-old and I were there on opening weekend. I swooned as he saved Giselle from falling off the billboard and held my breath when he bent down for the "true love kiss."  In fact, I was boning out over my Prince Charming fantasy so much that I even gave him a pass for the awkward singing and dancing scene in the park and the lame ass royal outfit he wore to the ball. Honorable Mention: Thomas Bailey in Made of Honor--Because I'm with Lisa on the whole guy chasing down a girl at the end of a movie thing.

cant-buy-me-love_lHELL TO THE NO! Ronald Miller in Can't buy me Love.

The hair!  The clothes! The lawnmower!  I'm sorry but you'd have to pay me a lot more than $1000 to let Ronald Miller mow my lawn. (if you know what I'm sayin')  And let's face it, even after the makeover, "totally geek to totally chic" was a bit of a stretch. It should have taken a lot more than ripping the sleeves off his bad shirt and rubbing mousse through his moppy hair for Cindy Mancini to ditch Bobby! Okay so maybe Ronald gets points for liking her poetry and washing her convertible Volkswagen Rabbit, but at the end of the day, he was still Lawnboy. (Um, no, I wasn't a mean girl or anything!) Honorable Mention: Randy Bodek in Loverboy. Cougar bait?  Really? Not buying it.

#2. Matt Damon


HELL YEAH! Jason Bourne in The Bourne Identity, Bourne Supremacy & Bourne Ultimatum

He's a complete hottie in all three, but the first one is my fav because it was when I was watching it that I realized I was in love with him. My heart was racing through the entire movie and let's just say it wasn't from the non-stop action :)  I was drooling all over myself as I lusted for this man without a past!  I mean, how convenient! A hot guy that kicks ass, speaks multiple languages and has zero emotional baggage.  The perfect man! Honorable Mention: Ocean's Eleven, Twelve & Thirteen.  Exception: The fake nose he wore in Thirteen.  Bad.  Very bad.

mv5bmja0ntg0nzu0ml5bml5banbnxkftztywmtg0mjc2_v1_cr580243243_ss100_1HELL TO THE NO! Tom Ripley in The Talented Mr. Ripley

I want to go on record and state that I did NOT want to see this movie.  I made a strong case for Deuce Bigalow:Male Gigolo but was overruled by my husband's extended family.  So I told myself it was going to be okay because Matt Damon was in it.  He's hot, right?  NOT! For the next two hours, I was blinded by his milky white skin and almost gagged at the site of him prancing around in his banana hammock.  I don't care that they were in Europe.  It was still wrong.Honorable Mention: Bob Tenor in Stuck On You.  Two words: Siamese. Twins.

#3. Matthew Perry


HELL YEAH! Alex Whitman in Fools Rush In

I know, he isn't your typical A-lister hottie. But I've probably seen this movie thirty times and STILL get choked up every time he professes his love to Isabel at the Hoover Dam. And each time I watch, I'm still so jealous of EE-SUH-BELL and her sassy accent that I kind of hope the ending will change and he'll ditch her!  Then, he and I will live happily ever in the tract home development in Las Vegas.  Hey, maybe it's not realistic that I'd want a hot guy to knock me up on a one night stand and have to live in 150 degree heat 9 months out of the year, but this is Chandler Bing people! Need I say more? Honorable Mention: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip A jaded, funny guy with major issues?  I'm in!

celebrities sundance 220108

mperryHELL TO THE NO! Seasons 9 and 10 of Friends

My man really packed on the pounds season 9 after he quit those pain pills.  And although I was happy about his newfound sobriety, I just wasn't getting those butterflies in my stomach anymore while watching my Must See TV. Then, just as I convinced myself that bloated was the new black, he went totally 'rexic on me in season ten! Suddenly, I was in love with a yo-yo pill popper and that was so. not. hot.  Honorable Mention: Guest appearance on the old school Beverly Hills, 90210.  In his defense, no one looked good in 1991.

Lisa's Picks

#1. Brad Pitt


HELL YEAH!--Tristan Ludlow in Legends of the Fall

I'm normally into a more clean cut look, but when Tristan pulls up in his wagon, with his long blonde hair and five o'clock shadow, I'm sure I'm having the same naughty thoughts as Sussanah. "I've gotta get me a piece o' that." And then Susasanah takes one look at her boring, virgin fiancee' and you know she's saying to herself, "I am with the wrong bruthuh!" When she finally does get Tristan into the sac, I have to admit, I feel jealous of the lucky bee-yotch! BTW--for a chance to feel those abs, I also would've overlooked the crazy bear nightmares and the attempted knife stabbing in the bed.  Honorable Mention: Oceans Eleven, Twelve & Thirteen


HELL TO THE NO!-- Benjamin Button in Benjamin Button

Then Brad had to go and get all old and wrinkly and short and wrinkly. And the thought of having sex with him now, even though I know somewhere in there, he's still Brad Pitt, is unimaginable. Even when he transforms into his hot self mid-way through the epic, I'm already scarred by the old, wrinkly-ness that went on for far too much of the movie if you ask me. Where, oh where, did the two-time People's Sexiest Man Alive winner go? Honorable Mentions: Zero. He's never looked bad in anything else.

#2. George Clooney


HELL YEAH!--Danny Ocean in Ocean's Eleven, Twleve and Thirteen

Ahhh Danny Ocean, you are so freakin' hot and sexy (and did I mention, sexy?) in these movies that I'd do you six ways to Sunday in that Bellagio penthouse suite. Honorable Mention: Bruce Wayne & Batman in Batman & Robin- cuz every girl fantasizes about a man in "uniform"!


HELL TO THE NO!-- Everett in Oh Brother Where Art Thou?

Oh Brother, where art George Clooney? I never even saw the movie because the idea of him looking like this was just too upsetting. Gone was the Armani suit and the f**k me now grin. In its place, a long, dirty beard and love of weird music? Unless I was feeling some sort of homeless man fantasy, I'd have to pass on--this. Honorable mention: Bob Barnes in Syriana (Hello 55 lb pot belly).

#3 Will Smith


HELL YEAH! Alex "Hitch" Hitchens in Hitch

I have a major crush on Will Smith. In fact, he's one of the celebrities on "my allowed to have sex with" list. I got him and Matt got Heidi Klum. Well, we both wanted Heidi Klum, but in the end, Matt won :) Anywhoo, I digress. I'm in lust with BOTH Hitches. The smooth-talkin guy who sends Sara Melas the walkie talkie when she won't give him her phone number AND the bumbling idiot who knocks her out with the jet ski and tracks down a long lost relative who turns out to be a serial killer. Because no matter what he does, he's still smokin' hot and sexy as all hell. And, let's face it girls, it's a total turn on when a man's not afraid to chase a woman's car down the street to tell her he loves her! (Cuz you know that happens all the time in real life!) Honorable Mention: Bad Boys 1 & 2 & Enemy of The State and every movie where he wears a wife beater or shows us his bare chest. Thank you God for creating this gorgeous man!


HELL TO THE NO! Will Smith in Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

It was a real stretch for me to find a movie that Will Smith did NOT look hot in. As you can see, I had to go back almost twenty years to when he was on TV as the Fresh Prince and hung out with his friend DJ Jazzy Jeff. I can safely say I would not have done the deed with this version of my beloved Will. (Even though I did really love his song, "Parents Just Don't Understand"!) And regarding the questionable choice of overalls, I'd prefer to believe he was merely a victim of bad early 90's fashion--just like all of us. Honorable Mention: Hitch--during the allergic reaction.

xoxo Liz & Lisa