twitter-bird-wallpaper So I've got a confession.  I'm bitter with Twitter.  It's like Facebook on Acid.

I signed up a month ago and have yet to figure it out. Isn't it just a bunch of never-ending status updates?  And yes, I know that status updates are best part of Facebook.  But I feel like Twitter is cheating-like they've eaten all the yummy white stuff out of my Oreos.

For those of you unfamiliar with Twitter, it works something like this:  I follow people and they follow me.  Get it?  And by follow I mean you are able to read my wannabe Facebook status updates.

So I signed up and found a few people to follow through the email finder. I was on my way!  Wait, why aren't they following me?  Of course!  There has to be some form of social rejection or Twitter wouldn't be fun!   Why don't you want to follow me?  Did I do something wrong?  Aren't you dying to read my once-a-week tweet? Oh, you want them multiple times per day? Sorry! I spend all my energy coming up with witty Facebook status updates!  Isn't that enough?

And forget about finding someone unless you know their Twitter nickname. Seriously, it's virtually impossible. Twitter, if I knew their damn nickname, I wouldn't need to search for them!

And I should have known Twitter would be trouble when I logged in for the first time and saw that most of the tweets were about how people didn't get Twitter. Then, I made a rookie Twitter mistake when I decided to follow Jimmy Fallon.  Why follow Jimmy, you ask?  Well, I've been crushing on him since his SNL days and was too scared to friend him on Facebook.  Twitter felt less committal, less stalker-ish.  Except for that whole following thing. Hmmm, I guess I didn't think that one through.

Anyway, I was saddened to discover that my celeb-crush tweets too much.  Jimmy tweets about everything and everyone.  Really Jimmy? Do we really need to know every detail about your day?  About the berber carpet in your studio? It's a bit much, even for your biggest fan.  I know you're excited about Tweeting via Tweetie, but we need some boundaries.

Lisa kind of almost likes Twitter.  She even went so far as to install Twitter Tools on our blog so we could Tweet. Funny thing is, we can't figure out how to tweet to the blog!  So sorry if you are anxiously waiting to hear Liz and Lisa's sweet tweets each day.  Not going to happen until hear back from our web designer.  He's a big tweeterTweets all the time!

But Lisa would not be stopped on her quest to have a productive relationship with Twitter.  That led her to install a Tweet Roll on our site that shows you all of our followers.  You know, those 12 people that are waiting to hear our daily wisdom via Tweets.  Oh, and she wants me to tell you to click on the Tweetroll link to follow us. Please.

Maybe part of the problem is that Twitter makes me feel old. And irrelevent. It makes me want to say things like, "Those young whippersnappers are all on Twitter!" and "Those Twitter young'uns don't know what's it's like to walk a mile to school in the snow!"  I want to say these things even though I've never walked a mile to school or lived anywhere where it actually snows.

Am I becoming  like my dear mother, who can't figure out how to turn on her DVD player when the kids want to watch Kung Fu Panda?  Is this the first step?  I have a blog, for Christs sake!  Doesn't that make me tech-savvy?

So screw you Twitter because I am relevant!  And soon I will be tweeting like nobody's business!  And then I will dominate you Twitter!  My Tweets will be heard around the world!

Um, just as soon as someone shows me how to do it.