My name is Liz, and I'm a Tweetaholic. Yes, you heard that right. I know, I was completely bitter with Twitter a mere three months ago but have recently crossed to the dark side. I finally understand what that damn Jimmy Fallon was making all the fuss about.
It all started when I went to see my psychic. We were in the middle of dishing all the dirt on my near future when she stopped abruptly.
"Hmmm..." she said, scratching her head. "Something just came to me."
"What! What is it!" My heart started to pound. "Am I going to win the lottery?"
"No," she said, looking at me oddly. "What the hell is Twitter?"
"Twitter?" I questioned. And inside I was thinking, really? I'm paying $60 an hour and we're going to talk about f*cking tweets? "It's not important," I said. "It's just some lame ass social networking site!"
"Really? Because I'm being told that Twitter will be very important in your journey. Do you tweet?"
"What! Are you sure my angels aren't referring to Facebook? I like that much better."
"Nope!" she reaffirmed. "Definitely Twitter!"
Damn, Twitter has gotten so big that they even have the afterlife promoting it? Crazy! I really need to get the name of their PR agency.
But my psychic has never been wrong before so I went home and dusted off my Tweetdeck. It was a bit rocky at first, I just couldn't get into my tweet groove. But after a while, something odd began to happen...I began to...LOVE it!
And for my tweeps who are still hatin', I get it. At first it seems so...pointless. I questioned whether my followers really wanted to hear about my Starbucks addiction or my love for Nick Lachey. So I would sit, fingers poised at my keyboard, staring aimlessly at my Tweetdeck. What interesting nugget could I reveal to my followers that hadn't already been beaten to death on Facebook? And to do it in 140 characters or less? Impossible!
I was suffering from tweet performance anxiety!
But I had big RT(that's retweet for you Twitter virgins) dreams so I let my fingers fly and held my breath as my tweets were heard around the world!(or in at least four mainland states...) I even got a little crazy and participated in Twitter's version of a high five, #Follow Friday. Our followers were growing by the hour and I became obsessed. Lisa, who was a once-a-day tweeter at best, had no idea of the love affair Twitter and I were now having. She would occasionally comment on our spike in followers and I feigned ignorance. I wanted to keep the tweet love all for myself!
BUT, after one really crazy Follow Friday a few weeks ago, I was outed as the Twitter whore I had become. Lisa, whose nickname in college was PI Spice, had finally figured out that our followers were not just showing up out of thin air. So she installed Tweetdeck and my secret tweet life was officially over! She wanted in on the action too. And, well, considering the our Twitter handle is Liz and Lisa, I guess I had to oblige.
I could barely go five minutes the next week without a twext(duh, that's a text about Twitter!) from Lisa.
WTF is an RT?
What does # mean?
How do I @ someone and WTF do I say when I do?
Who is Mr. Tweet and why should I give a sh*t about him?
Why are there ten "Horny Kittys" following us?
But after a week of tryin' out her tweets, Lisa was ready for the bigtime. She was ready to tweet live about #Bachelorette! And let me just say, it's not for amateurs. Ripe with potential shit talk, you've gotta be sassy to score a RT from this tough crowd. And to be honest, I wasn't sure if she was up for it.
But lucky for her, there was plenty of dramz to shittweet about on this episode, especially when the Bachelorette went on her one-on-one date with hottie Sascha.
Things seemed to be going well with Sascha and Jillian. They had hauled ass in a Ferrari and cuddled on the couch with champagne. It was obvious he thought the rose sitting on the table would be pinned to his lapel by the end of the night. But after he confessed to her that he had never had his heart broken,(Hello! commitmentphobe alert!) she sent him on a horrible walk of shame that involved public transportation. It was UGLY!
And before I even I had a chance to add my two cents, I saw something come across the Tweetdeck that made me LOL. A real LOL!
#bachelorette You've never had your heart broken, so I'm going to humiliate you and send you off on a bus. ha!
It was RTed almost instantly! Lisa had officially arrived! Welcome Lisa! This mama bird is happy you finally found your own inner tweet. *wipes a tear of joy from her eye*
Click here to follow Liz and Lisa on Twitter. Come on, you know you want to!
xoxo Liz
So I've got a confession. I'm bitter with Twitter. It's like Facebook on Acid.