I'm just not that into you (anymore):Project Runway

Liz here. I think y'all know I have a hard time with the word NO. But it's especially true when it comes to my DVR-I just can't say no to all those shiny and new Fall shows.  But there's always a few that get dumped before I even watch one episode, (sorry 2 Broke Girls!) and a few that I can't WAIT to sink my teeth into each week (Helloooo Once Upon A Time).

But just like any relationship, sometimes things go sour with even the best of shows.

You know how it is-things start off and you're just so excited to see them.  You think about them when they're not around, you talk about them incessantly to anyone who will listen.  You may even get irrationally angry when others block you from seeing them. (Um, yeah, sorry about that, Mike!) Then, things may start to cool off a little.  They seem to get comfortable and stop caring about how they look.  Or maybe they start trying a bunch of new things that, well, are LAME.  All of a sudden it's been two, maybe three weeks since you've seen them. And before you can say Queer Eye For the Straight Guy, your former favorite show has become (gasp!) irrelevant!

And yes, Project Runway, I'm talkin' to you.  Like Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy, Chuck and Lost before you, I'm thinking of dumping your ass.

I LOVED Project Runway.  Like put the kids to bed, order sushi and force my husband to watch, LOVED it.  Christian Siriano made my heart sing and Mondo's F'ed up patterns intrigued me. I didn't even mind that Heidi Klum seemed to be pregnant every fucking season.  Hell, I even stuck with them when they moved over to Lifetime without High Def  TV and watched that terrible Models of the Runway spinoff!  Because even though I could barely see what the hell they had made without HD, I didn't care.  I was there for the DRAMA. So when they announced Project Runway All-Stars, I was jumping up and down with joy.

All my fave designers!  In ONE show!  How could they go wrong? How could they mess up PERFECTION?

Well, they did. Let me count the ways.....

But wait, before we get into all that, I've got a copy of Gunn's Golden Rules by Tim Gunn.  Just leave a comment and I'll choose a lucky winner on Sunday January 29th after 6pm PST.  Good luck!

WHY I'M JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU(ANYMORE):PROJECT RUNWAY

1. The poor man's Heidi Klum Where the F is Heidi Klum and who is this imposter they have hosting the show?  I sincerely hope that she's not as uncomfortable being on TV as I am watching her on it. Make the cringing stop. Please. And she doesn't even say that German bullshit at the very end when the designer gets kicked to the curb.  WTF! 

And while we're on the subject of Miss Klum, so freakin' bummed to hear about her and Seal.  I really was buying in to their whole perfect relationship thing. *cue mental image of Seal serenading Heidi with Kiss From a Rose each night*

2. The New Judges Where is my boyfriend Micheal Kors and his barbs?  Nina Garcia's knowing smirk? And Isaac Mizrahi as a replacement?  Really? That's the best you could come up with? And don't even get me started on the fact that MISS PIGGY was a guest judge last week. Because she's a fashion EXPERT. Come on!

3. That British chick Okay, what the hell happened to Tim Gunn and who is this bitchy Brit with the bad haircut?  Her utter disdain while in the workroom makes me uncomfortable. And not in a good Real Housewives of Atlanta sort of way.

4. The Designers Between April's gray hair and Austin Scarlett's scarf and bolo fixation, I'm not feelin' my fave designers.  Where is Kenley's cattiness? Why isn't anyone talking shit on Michael? When did Rami learn to do something other than draping? Where is the DRAMA?  Do they really think we actually tune in for the designs?  Jesus, I haven't been able to see them clearly anyway the last few years!

5. High Definition TV  Sooooo...the lesson here is to be careful what you wish for.  I lamented the last three seasons about the lack of HDTV on Lifetime.  But little did I know how disconcerting it would be to actually see my favorite designers so UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL.  Did Mila always look so sweaty in the workroom? Was Kenley's lipstick always that red?  Did Micheal's eyebrows look like that before? It's creepin' me out.

So I'm sorry Project Runway, it's been real.  But I just moved you below Spongebob on my DVR playlist.  And we all know what that means-You're out. Auf Wiedersehen!  Oh, and Top Chef?  I'm officially putting you on notice.

What about you?  Any shows you are dumping this season?  Tell me!

xoxo, Liz

When you know you know By Lisa

One store. One hour. One majuh love affair.

In a nutshell, I found my perfect wedding dress in less time than it takes Heidi Klum to say Auf Wiedersehen.

WTF?

As I handed over my credit card, (and tried not to think about the price tag- O.M.G!), I wondered, was it supposed to be this easy? Wasn't I meant to try on dress after dress after dress, always wondering if a better one could be around the corner?

I called Liz to tell her I'd found the dress of my dreams at my first appointment on my first day of shopping and asked her if she thought that was that okay. She didn't skip a beat. "Lisa, you worked your f***ing ass off to find the perfect man. You shouldn't have to work that f***ing hard for your dress too."

And she was abso-f***ing-lutely right.

The search for your dress is exactly like the search for your husband. When you know, you know. So why keep looking when you've already found him? Or why stop looking when you know in your heart you haven't?

I could win some sort of contest for spending years trying on more than my fair share of ill-fitting, uncomfortable, "one-off"  men. They weren't a fit, but I kept them in my wardrobe anyway. Eventually, I would realize most of them were like skinny jeans-- a really bad decision.

Until I found Matt-- who is like my favorite, most comfortable jeans. He is the perfect fit. (I know, I know... gag me with some harp strings!)

And now I have the perfect dress to marry him in...

Marilyn was dress number two and yes, she's so amazing she has a name.

When Jane, the, um, actual DESIGNER, brought Marilyn into the dressing room, I had a gut feeling that she was the one.  Then I stepped in, pulled the dress up around me and looked in the mirror.

It. Was. Love.

Marilyn is a show stopper. Marilyn is the really good kind of drama. Marilyn will make your mother cry and your groom thank his lucky stars he found you. Marilyn knows how to command a room. And, well, she's just pretty damn unforgettable.  Marilyn is so awesome she makes you forget how much money you paid for her.

But then I met Cate.

Cate is another gorgeous dress. She's amazing. She's beautiful and the really good kind of subtle. She knows how to work a room and charm you. She'll also make your mother cry (but face it-even a potato sack could probably do that) and your groom might just cry too!

And for a few minutes, I was torn. There was something about Cate that I really, really loved. I felt romantic and light and the good kind of bride-y.

But in the end, I chose Marilyn for the same reason I chose my fiancee. When you know, you know.

Oh, and because, as Rachel Zoe would say, Marilyn is BANANAS!

Tell us YOUR wedding dress story!  How did you find "The One"?

xoxo, Lisa

Wo-Man By Lisa

First, we are so happy about Brian's improvement! Caring Bridge

Disclaimer: I love my GIRLfriends. Many of us have been friends for 10 plus years. We shit talk, we bitch and we like to ditch our MEN and get our flirt on during GNO's. They are my friends until the end and I'd kick anyone's ass to protect them. So, the following post is not a reflection of how I feel about hangin' with my LADIES.

Man, I feel like a woman....

I think Shania has it backwards.

My song would be Wo, I feel like a man...

I like to believe I'm a sheep in wolves clothing. On the outside, I'm sure I could be described as somewhat of a girly girl. I get a regular mani -pedi, I love to wear a fun party dress & heels and I've even started a new love affair with my curling iron. (BTW--so much easier than a self blow out & you don't have to wash your hair for THREE to, er, FOUR days!)

But on the inside, I think I fall more on the man side of woman. No offense to females, but it seems like it can be a hell of a lot easier over there! (Minus ball scratching, junk adjusting and communal urinals!)

I'm always bragging to Matt about how cool I believe I am to date... because I think like a MAN :)

I love to watch sports with or WITHOUT him!

I encourage him to go to Vegas for March Madness or JUST BECAUSE!

I tell him to go on more man outings with his boyfriends AND encourage him to flirt!

The list goes on and on...

Until...

The WOMAN inside of me forces her way out!

I f***ing hate it when that happens!

Recently, Matt and I were talking on the phone (Rare because we BOTH hate it--another point in my man column) and out of nowhere I went all chick on him. I started crying about everything-- how I felt lonely, was exhausted and wondered if so and so was mad at me. And instead of supportive words on the other end of the line, I heard a semi-muffled chuckle. I immediately snapped to attention.

"Are you laughing at me?" I questioned as I wiped a tear away.

"Hell yeah! Because you want to be a dude so bad but you can't deny your inner chick!"

F**k. He was right. Crying about nothing. About to start my period. Bloated. Female things I simply could not deny.

But...

I hate shopping.

I burp loudly.

I watch 60 Minutes.

"Sorry GIRLfriend", he said. You are really, really cool and super beautiful and amazing and I'm head over heels in love with you... (OK, he didn't really say all that!)  "But as long as you use a tampon, get bitchy and listen to Barry Manilow, you're a WOMAN."

He had a point-- not about the tampons or the bitchiness... but, I did heart Barry-- a lot. Could I give up "Mandy" or "Copacabana" or more importantly, did I even want to? No and No.

But...

I think Heidi Klum is smokin' hot!

I watch old Bulls games on ESPN!

I'm visual!

But despite my man-like behavior, my damn ovaries and boobs sell me out every single time!

Like this past weekend when Matt was in town for my birthday. (YEAH!) After my emotional breakdown just days before,  I was determined NOT to cry again-- overanything. So I didn't...

Not when I watched the video his kids made me.

Not when I opened my Elton John- Billy Joel tickets.

Not even when Elton & Billy sang Candle in the Wind.

But then when I was driving him to the airport my eyes started welling. I tried to distract myself by talking to him about the weather, a work meeting, ANYTHING! When we pulled up to the curb, I gritted my teeth, gave him a closed mouth kiss and practically threw him out of the car. (Sorry, babe!)   I was, victorious! Ha!

But then I couldn't help it. I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw him walking through the double doors and suddenly I could feel the tears burning in my throat...and then my eyes filled up.... and then before I knew it, I started gushing like a freakin' geyser!

Suddenly, even in my own watery eyes, I was losing my self-proclaimed man cred. I could no longer deny it.

Maybe I was a f***ing chick after all.

But they have it so freakin easy over there in Manland.

If only I had a penis...

* I'd never have to remember anyone's birthday! Yet, my name would always end up on the gift & card!

*I'd never have to wear a bra! (Although those of you with MOOBS need to seriously figure something out)

*I'd never have conflict with female family members because my wife or girlfriend would handle it for me!

*I'd never have to multi-task simply because I COULDN'T.

*I'd get to say, "This is the way I was when you met me" all day long!

*I'd get to constantly fondle my junk!

But despite my ta-tas, other female parts and my OCCASIONAL meltdown, I still say I'm more of a MAN at heart.

Well, at least until Matt reads this and completely blows my cover!

xoxo