The Girlfriend's Guide To Vegas By Liz & Lisa

lasvegassignWe love Las Vegas for so many reasons. And not just because of it's lenient open-container laws and 24-hour buffets.  It's more about that Vegas feeling.  You know, that flutter in your stomach as your cab barrels down the strip, narrowly avoiding pedestrians?  It's the feeling that ANYTHING can happen.  Where else can you dance on the bar at Coyote Ugly, play blackjack with Nick Lachey and take a picture with a "little person" Elvis impersonator all in the same night?  What other city in America would be so tolerant when you throw up in a casino trashcan after your fifth kamikaze shot?  And where else can us thirty-somethings go to reclaim our youth by drinking with abandon and staying up all night? Las Vegas has a little somethin' somethin' for everyone. And not to be cocky, but we consider ourselves to be "Vegas Experts."  I guess that's what happens when you have a fake ID at eighteen and attend a college that's just a three-hour car ride away. Needless to say, we've had the best of times and the worst of times in Sin City.  Just about anything that can happen, has happened to us in Vegas.

And although we are true believers that what happens in Vegas should by all means stay there, we thought we'd provide a few pointers for your next trip.

Liz & Lisa's Girlfriend's Guide To Vegas


1. You and your boyfriend get two different offers for three-ways in the same weekend. And you choose not to focus on the fact that one woman had the body of a prepubescent boy and the other was so hammered she could barely stand.

2. A dashingly handsome British guy named Johnny sits next to you at the blackjack table and tells you that he thinks you’re 25. (And you promise to properly thank your boyfriend later for not correcting him!)

3. You listened to your psychic and confidently bet all your money on the number three. You not only win $1,000 but the entire table is begging you for your roulette recipe for success. You haven’t felt this good since twenty minutes ago when your blackjack table companion thought you were 25 (see #2).

4. The pit boss at Wild Bill’s upgrades your player’s card to “gold status” and offers you a comped night in the “penthouse” suite (on the 4th floor). And even though you’d rather spend the night sleeping on a pool chair at Circus Circus than so much as even stick your big toe inside the free room, you still feel like a “high roller.”

5. You take your pasty white complexion outside when it’s 110 degrees, lounge in the wade pool for hours and thank the Vegas gods when you don’t end up burning like the leathery skinned, There’s Something About Mary look-a-like next to you.

6. Your cab driver tells you that you’re the most entertaining passengers he’s had all night and you’re so caught up in his praise that you don’t mind that he’s missing four teeth and smells like a combination of tequila and pine air freshener!


1. You're starting to feel right at home with all the crazy UFC fans and consider their invitation to cruise up to their suite at Imperial Palace for an impromptu "fight club".

2.  You're shaking like a crackwhore after your tenth Red Bull and Grey Goose.

3. The drink lady at Hard Rock cut you off even after you tipped her $10 a drink. (see number #2)

4. You've smoked ten cigarettes despite the fact that you don't even know how to smoke.  That's probably why you made a rookie mistake and accidentally burned a hole in the shirt of the drunk guy next to you at the blackjack table.

5. You don't blink an eye when you open your hotel room door and discover your neighbor passed out facedown in a hamburger in the hallway.  In fact, you're so hungry that you consider taking a french fry off her plate.

6.  You literally don't have any chips to cash in!  That's when it's time to cash in your figuritive chips and say good bye to dear ol' Vegas. (Unless, of course,  you have a really great cash advance plan on your Visa!)

xoxo, Liz & Lisa


Quick update on Brian: Still in ICU, still sedated, still waiting for breathing tube to come out.  Unfortunately, patience is not a virtue in my family so we feel frustrated with the lack of progress but still feel hopeful that he'll pull through.  Thanks again to all of you who have reached out to our family! Brian's accident got me thinking.  Well, actually, if I'm being totally honest, it was The Bachelor finale that sparked this idea and then my brother's brush with death really got the ball rolling.  While watching After the Final Rose, I turned to my husband and told him that if I die and he decides to become the next Bachelor to find a new Mommy for our kids that I will come back and haunt the f*ck out of that Bachelor house.  He then reminded me of a few other "if I die" threats that I've made over the years.  Hmm, he was right, I did use that threat occasionally.  Then my brother got in his accident, reminding me how fragile and random life can be.

That's when I decided it would just be easier if I put all my "if I die" rants  down on paper so Mike knows what's up if I drop dead anytime soon.

Liz's If I go-go this is a no-no List:

1.  Do not go on The Bachelor or any other lame dating show and be billed as "the single dad".  You'll just end up looking like a douche-bag.  Ask Jason.

2.  But...Don't be a martyr.  Find someone else!  Just make sure she is a little less hot then me and weighs at least 5lbs more. And has a big nose. And horse teeth.

3.  And..Don't hook up with any of my friends-everyone will think that you secretly wanted them when I was alive. And I will definitely see that sh*t, no matter where I am. Just think of me as "always watching..."

4. Don't go on American Idol and use me to get votes, even if you do have a pretty good voice.

5. Don't Facebook about me.  In fact, just don't Facebook.  You've gone this long without it, why start now that I'm dead?

6.  Don't try to cook.  The kids have been traumatized enough.  Why not use all that life insurance money to hire a chef?

7. Don't fall in love with above-mentioned chef, unless she fits criteria listed in number two.

8. Don't forget that your belt needs to match your shoes! Brown with brown, black with black.  Why is it so hard to remember?

9. Don't blow all the insurance money at Or playing 32 at Roulette.

10. And never, under any circumstances, are you allowed to go back to having John Tesh hair or wearing jean shorts and Birkenstocks, like you did when we first met.

xoxo Liz