I ran into an old friend the other day at Starbucks. (Where else?) I hadn't seen him in forever and was dying to know if he had stuck it out with his latest girlfriend or went back to serial dating. (Three words: Majuh. Commitment. Phobe.) But before I could get my scoop, he started asking about my very recent trip to Hawaii and my daughters's first day of school.
Um, is this guy stalking me or something? I mean, I was rockin' my new do'... but although it was short and sassy, it wasn't exactly stalker-worthy!
I was perplexed. But then, as he began to pellet me with questions about resorts, booze cruises and luaus, it came to me.
He was a Facebook voyeur! A social network Peeping Tom!
Now, let me just say for the record, that some of my favorite people are FB voyeurs. They spend just as much time perusing status updates and profiles as you and I, they just don't feel the need to participate. Like me, you might even forget they are even ON Facebook until they reveal themselves the next time you see them by asking you about the caffeine or your Bachelorette addiction. That's when you know you've got a Lookey Loo on you hands.
Fascinated by these Facebook rebels, I rang up some of my friends who fall in this category. I just had to know why they won't even list what year they were born or give some of my sassy statuses a thumbs up. (It's just ONE click! Help a sista out here!) I needed to see why all their wall posts go unanswered and all their fan page invitations are declined. Um, especially THIS ONE!
So now I'm ready to break it down for you. To tell you why your second cousin never poked you back or why you'll never see pictures of their kids until you finally suck it up and attend that family reunion next summer.
THE MULTI- TASKER
Always on the run, the multi-tasker prefers to get their "booking" done via iPhone or Blackberry. She really does want to know what you are making for dinner or how your son's soccer practice went, but actually commenting on it is a whole other story. Basically this is the social network version of It's not you, it's me".
The High-Brower finally buckled under all the peer pressure and joined FB but wants you to know she's still too good for it. That's why you'll never hear about her tropical vacation or find out whether she's planning on watching the new Melrose Place. And the fact that she's traded Hemingway for Yoville? She's planning on keeping it her dirty little secret.
THE "PRIVACY PLEASE" FRIEND
Unlike attention whores like myself, she's content with keeping her networks, political views and Farmville scores a secret. But I find myself wondering which five cities she's lived in and what her Saved By The Bell quiz results were. (Lisa Turtle, in case you were wondering...) And btw, this is also the same person who has 25 friends because she only wants to "friend" people she's actually "friends" with. Um, I didn't even know that was an option. What a concept!
Why are you on Facebook if you are trying to HIDE? I can understand an occasional block of a crazy ex-boyfriend or that over-zealous PTA mom, but to lurk around in cyberspace while no one can see you is creepy. And was high school so bad you won't even put your graduating year? Come on! Even I got over my huge hair and penchant for spandex pants. Show yourself already!