Our first book signing tour was this past weekend in the Midwest. First, we'd like to give a big thank you to all of the WONDERFUL ladies who hosted us. Laurie and Jacki; Kristin and the women of Serendipity; And Jamie and Cathy. And we'd also like to give a shout out to all of the AWESOME Chick Lit loving women we met--and instantly friended--on our mobile Facebooks. (Hey, we're whores, we don't waste any time!)
Well now that we're home, we decided that after you embark on a journey that mixes poorly caffeinated airport travel, the uncanny ability to sit next to multiple non-hint taking Chatty Cathys in every terminal, drunken public speaking and the inability to remember the name of a person who has your own name, that we should establish some rules of the road for next time.
NEVER, EVER, EVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF A VENTI AMERICANO
There are certain times you should probably never talk to me.
Before coffee. Before coffee. And, um, Before coffee.
This is one of the many "lovely" things Liz and I have in common. So you’d think that knowing this…that understanding if ONE of us can be a bee-yotch face before Starbucks that the TWO of us together could, well, be f***ing bee-yotch faces…that we’d NEVER, EVER, under any circumstances skip our Venti Americanos….especially before a four-hour flight.
Not so much last week.
The morning of our trip to Chicago, Liz was frantically trying to get everyone what they needed before she left for the weekend (A husband, two kids, two dogs and some prima donna guinea pigs!). And I was at Ride-Aid buying her every shape and size of the 3-ounce size travel containers and a box of the FAA approved quart-sized Ziplocs for her moose, perfume, shampoo, conditioner, hairspray, toothpaste, two moisturizers and four different lip glosses. (I had to bribe her to carry-on because there was no way in HELL I was stepping foot in that O'Hare baggage claim! ) So I didn’t see her desperate Facebook message on my wall.
Rough morning! Please stop at Starbucks and tell me I look like I've lost weight the minute you see me. Thank you!
Because the thing is, if you properly caffeinate us, we can handle anything… A ridonckulously long security line, a pervy TSA agent with a foot fetish and even a loud talking Boston accented seat-mate with body odor.
IF you properly caffeinate us.
So there we were at the Long Beach airport that we usually heart so much because it's so small that they board the passengers old-school by leading them out to the tarmac and rolling out a makeshift staircase. Usually so easy. But it's amazing how an airport experience can change when you realize your only option to turn your day around is a pot of coffee that was probably brewed eight hours earlier by a woman in a hair net. Let's just say even after I dumped six bags of sugar in mine and Liz filled hers to the rim with cream, it still tasted like ass in a cup.
DON’T BE A FLAT STANLEY
You know how celebrities talk about their "good side" and their "bad side" when they pose for photo shoots? Well, I always thought that was a complete load of bulls**t. I mean, how different could someone really look if they faced the camera from the left v. the right?
Turns out, pretty damn different.
My photographic light bulb moment happened before our first book signing while Liz and I were posing for pictures. We were ready to roll, wearing our sassy dresses and Liz sporting her curly hair. I stood on the left and Liz on the right. Behind the camera, Matt was snapping away with a concerned expression as he checked the LED screen after each shot.
WTF? I asked. Then I grabbed the camera and gasped.
"OMG. I’m a f***ing Flat Stanley!"
Liz and Matt pulled the camera away from me and evaluated the pictures. And through maniacal laughter, they agreed. "You look like you, but one off. You are a cardboard cut out of yourself!"
So, after much practice, we discovered that my left side is really pretty damn bad. If I angle it toward the camera, I look like a Flat Stanley. And if I open my eyes a little too wide, I look like Flat Stanley, The Runaway Bride. Apparently if I want any chance at a good photo, I have to be on the right side, tilt my head to the left and my chin downward. And then, as if that's not enough, I still have to angle the right side of my face toward the camera. (WTF?)
The anti-Stanley solution seemed simple—I’d just switch sides with Liz.
Not so fast, she said.
Because just like our major in college, our choice of sorority and even our affinity for Midwestern men, we also have the same f***ing good side!
And so began what we like to call The Fight for the Right! Stay tuned for more pictures to see who won...
KNOW YOUR LIQUID COURAGE COCKTAIL OF CHOICE
I was pretty nervous about talking in front of the groups at our book signings. To put it mildly, my past public speaking attempts had been disastrous-all involving a red face, huge sweat rings and the inability to form a sentence. I was pretty sure if I attempted to utter a word about our book, It would go something like this:
Buy our book. It's real good. Thanks for coming. Bye!
When I confessed my fears to Liz, she gave me her crooked smile. "You don't think we're going to do this sober, do you?"
"Er, I'm on the wagon, remember?" (A story I'll save for another post--but I had been alcohol free for 29 days.)
She knowingly pointed her finger at me. "Blondie, I’m going to let you in on my secret recipe for public speaking success. Cocktails plus no food equals great entertainment!"
I was off the wagon faster than you can say dirty martini.
And let's just say that after two, er, three and a half of them, I was very comfortable in front of a group. Maybe even a little too comfortable...Turns out, as a buzzed public speaker, I'll tell you which characters in our book are incredibly thinly veiled and how much of the book is autobiographical!
Liz's secret recipe also had another side effect...You run the risk of being unable to remember a name--even if it's the same as your own. So Liz and I would like to take this opportunity to give an extra special shout out to the other LIZ...whose name our own Liz could not remember...
Even after talking to her for twenty minutes.
But at least when Liz puts her foot in her mouth, she's wearing a really sassy shoe!
PRACTICE HIDING YOUR WTF FACE
We've been friends for so long that we pretty much have the same brain and we think a lot of the same thoughts. We actually have mental telepathy...and it really comes in handy in social situations. Like when you can't exactly say what's on your mind because you might, well, offend-EVERYONE.
We can talk serious shit with a simple eyebrow raise, the ever so slight narrowing of an eye or a partial smirk. So, as I'm sure you can imagine, this superpower can be incredibly helpful when we want to scream to each other that the chatty Carl sitting next to us in the terminal is a DOUCHE BAG who needs to shut the f**k up! Or when we want to scream that the guy in the skinny jeans with a male version of a camel toe SUCKS for blocking the aisle as he tries to stuff his over-sized suitcase in the overhead bin. And when you meet two stuffy women at one of your book signings.
Usually when people ask us what I’ll Have Who She’s Having is about and we tell them it’s the story of two sisters who fall for the same man—and one of those sisters just happens to be married, the response is usually along the lines of That sounds juicy! or What a fun read! Or if it's not their cup o' tea (which we totally understand!) they politely move on from our table.
Well here's how it went down when two ladies (let's call them "Mrs. Stick Up My Ass" and "Mrs. Even Bigger Stick Up My Ass") approached us at one of the signings.
Mrs. Stick up my ass: "What's your book about?"
Liz: "It's about two sisters who fall for the same man. And one of those sisters is married!"
Mrs. Even Bigger Stick up my ass with scowled expression finally speaks: "Married. Really. Hmm."
Liz: "Yes, but she just had her first baby and she's lost and she doesn't feel connected to her husband..."
Mrs. Stick up my ass: "Hmm..."
Lisa: "We also have a blog. Why don't you take one of our cards and you can read more about us and our book..."
Mrs. Even bigger Stick up my ass picks up the card and holds it between her pointer finger and thumb as if it's covered in swine flu germs.
*cue more crickets*
Liz and I look at each other and smile our, we'll definitely blog about this smile.
*cue mental telepathy moment*
Lisa: They both need to get f***ing laid by Tim Fortune.
xoxo, Liz & Lisa