(Inanimate) Object of My Affection (part 2) By Liz & Lisa

We wrote about this topic just a couple of months ago...but already, so many new electronic devices have come into our lives. And we've fallen so hard for these objects! The way they blend a smoothie "stirs" something deep within and the speed in which they access the Internet makes us dizzy ...with lust!  Or even the way they so effortlessly make the most perfect cup of coffee really gets the heart racin' in more ways than one *wink* *wink*. And although our affections are all in fun, there's a term for people that, um, really want to be much more than friends with things like Big Ben (get your mind out of the gutter-we're talking about the famous clock!) or the world's largest catsup bottle. They suffer from a condition called objectum sexuality. So no need to worry--unless someday you find one of us dry humping the Eiffel Tower.

In the meantime, we're dying for you to meet our new battery-powered boyfriends, And even though we love them, the only action they're getting is some fast-fingered texting or a really hard cucumber to chop up.

LIZ'S ELECTRONIC ECSTASY

Hp Mini Notebook aka Webbie

Liz spends most of her day in the car. And as you can imagine, that makes it hard for a girl to keep up with her Internet addiction.  Her Facebook wall posts would go *gasp* hours before being addressed and she would completely miss Twitter's #Follow Friday.  And the fact that Lisa and Crystal (our fabulous and uber-talented publicist) email each other every five minutes wasn't helping. (Their banter! So witty! She was jealous!) And after a particularly busy day of postings, poking and reply alls, Liz determined her brokedown Palm Centro just wasn't cutting it anymore.

That's when she found Webbie.   And even though she normally preferred larger electronics, she found his small size and wireless aircard appealing. He was so cute!  And whenever she was out with him in public, people would always stop to ask about him.  Soon Liz found herself tweeting with abandon and bantering with Lisa and Crystal like she didn't have a care in the world!  Webbie even traveled with her to Cabo, although he strongly disapproved of her dalliance with Don Julio. Apparently, he thought her dizziness and dry heaving in the mornings cut into his time with her.  That Webbie has quite a jealous streak!

Which is why Liz found it odd that Palm Centro starting taking a turn for the worse when Webbie strolled into town.  Never the workhorse, Palm Centro had always been able to do at least the basics.  Now all of sudden he struggled to send a text and wanted to hot-sync in inappropriate places.  Then, one morning, he hot-synced himself to death, literally. RIP Palm Centro.

And was that a smile we saw on Webbie's screen?  Little did he know, the next phone in Liz's life would possibly render him obsolete.  And his name was...

Barry Blackberry

Liz had a bad attitude about Barry at first.  She didn't know if he'd be able to meet all her needs.  She needed a partner that could keep up with her (She just turned 35!  She's in her prime!) and wasn't sure he was up for the task.

But she soon discovered that Barry was everything she wanted in a man phone and more.  He was always there to let her know the very second an email came in.  And Facebook?  Barry Blackberry didn't want her to miss out on anything, even if it was that person who keeps inviting her to play Farmville (WTH is that, anyway?) or that crazy guy from high school that won't stop harassing his ex-wife in his status updates.

And Webbie?  Well, let's just say that he's been crunching more fantasy football stats than keeping up with his social networking these days.  Liz, always looking to trade up when it comes to her electronics, kicked him to the curb in favor of Barry.  Webbie started feeling heavy and bloated and she was getting everything she needed from B. (Her private nickname for him.)

But don't worry about Webbie!  Liz's husband Mike has been keeping that little guy company.  He's even renamed him "Webina".   And although that confuses him a bit, he's just happy to have someone's fingers keeping his keyboard warm every night.

LISA'S KITCHEN CRUSHES

Keurig Single Cup Coffee Brewing System aka Kirby

It's no secret that Lisa is a major caffeine junkie. If she doesn't get that jolt of energy within minutes of waking up, she can make a crackwhore look tame.  Just talk to anyone who's made the mistake of asking her difficult questions like, "How are you?" before she's had her java. (Like that poor UPS guy who unfortunately crossed her pre-caffeinated path--he never did deliver another package!)

For years, she's had a Starbucks addiction. Each morning, she'd order her Venti bold with sugar-free vanilla. The baristas knew her by name and her order by heart. And even when the economy went down the toilet, she vowed she'd cut "everything and anything" other than her daily grind. Well, until she met Kirby.

It was love at first cup. And within minutes of taking in his compact, yet strong exterior and watching as he filled her coffee cup with so little effort it felt like magic, Lisa was under his spell. Her new boyfriend, Kirby, just made everything so easy. Her heart skipped a beat as she simply put a "K" cup inside, pressed a button and *voila* coffee!  Gone were the days of manual labor like cleaning filters and grinding beans. And it was then she declared, "once you go single cup you never go back!"

And even though she's been cheating on Starbucks for weeks, she doesn't feel the least bit guilty about it. Especially since he wasn't there for her when she traveled route 66! (As if!) She's not saying she'll never go back to him, but she's no longer relying on him to solve her (caffeine) problems. That's fo show!

But Lisa is not quite sure how to break the news to Kirby that there's a new gadget in town...

The Magic Bullet, aka, The Bullet

Recently, Lisa saw something on TV that made her stop dead in her tracks on the treadmill. His name was The Magic Bullet and no, he's not that kind of device ladies. But he'll still turn you on with his many bells and whistles and his incredible (blending) technique.

Lisa bought him and brought him home that very day. She was so excited as she unpacked him and sized up his, er, parts. She was high with anticipation as she slowly filled him with ice,  fruit, milk and protein powder and watched her beloved bullet blend away. Twenty seconds later, she was drinking a delicious smoothie. And as soon as Lisa finished it, she was ready to go again!

She blended with abandon. Strawberry banana! Blueberry! Peanut butter! She grabbed his recipe book firmly and started planning all the beautiful things they'd make together. Guacamole! Salsa! Spaghetti sauce! The sky was going to be the limit with Lisa and The Bullet.

Or at least that's what she thought until...he COULDN'T GET IT UP!

It happened when she tried to make salsa and The Bullet's blade just wouldn't chop. She tried again, because maybe he just needed a little help...She pushed down on his lid and prayed he'd be able to make the onions look like they did in the picture. But unfortunately, the salsa just came out looking like soup with huge pieces of onion in it. Lisa was crushed that her boyfriend couldn't perform. She wondered if this is what Jillian felt like in the fantasy suite with Ed?

Lisa hasn't tried to make salsa since and has decided to stick to smoothies only. She doesn't want to upset The Bullet and she definitely doesn't want to find out that he won't be able to get his blade moving, yet again.

xoxo, Liz & Lisa

Why Meat And Potatoes Are Good For You By Liz & Lisa

We've been friends for *cough* more than twenty years, so naturally we have a lot of things in common. We went to the same high school, same college and joined the  same sorority. We even kissed the same guy once--but don't worry, it was NOT at the same time! We even have similar names. But we're rarely called by our own. Lisa is often Liz, Liz is often Lisa. And our personal favorite is Liza. So, it's not surprising that after all the So Cal surfer boys we dated (many of whom thought their big board gave them game) that we've both ended up with Midwestern Men. And with Lisa's recent "shmove" to an Illinois suburb, we thought it would be the perfect time to write about what happens when a Cali girl falls for a Midwest boy. LIZ:

I love my corn-fed man.  For years I searched, dating men from all around the country and never quite finding what I was looking for.  Little did I know that my knight in shining armor would be a brawny blonde who wears Cubs t-shirts and had never tried sushi.

As a native of Southern California, I had always thought I’d end up with a cool surfer dude that drives a BMW and had better fashion sense than me.  That’s just how the guys are out here.  In fact, I had not even stepped foot onto Midwestern soil when I met my husband.  I had no idea about the stockpile of nice, collared-shirt wearing men that were being hidden from the rest of the country!

And I had worn the rest of the 50 Continental states out!  I dated an insecure coffee drinker from Seattle, a wannabe Goodfella from the East Coast and had even made out with a muscle head from Miami.  So when I met my Midwestern knight in shining armor I almost couldn't believe my eyes!  A sweet, secure man who always opened my door and loved his mom?  I could deal with the fact that he thought carrots and corn were the only vegetables that existed and had never heard of guacamole because this guy was the most genuine person I'd dated in years. So I closed the deal with my heartland hunk and we were married two years after our first date.  And ten years and two kids later, I still smile to myself like I have a little secret when I think of how lucky I am to have landed a man from the middle. (of America that is.)

LISA:

I was thirty-four. Recently dumped. And wondering when I was finally going to meet a man I could laugh with, who shared the same values and wanted the same things out of life. I felt like Charlotte from Sex and The City when she screamed, "I'm tired of dating. I just want to find him. WHERE is he?"

Suddenly, it occurred to me that I didn't really care where he was, I just wanted to find him. He could be the literal boy next door, (well, not my actual neighbor, a short, married 65-year-old balding guy, but maybe the one on the other side?) or he could live in the next state. I'd never crossed the border for love before.  Well, unless you count that fling with the Vegas guy...which ended abruptly after we discovered that *shockingly* we only had a love of vodka red bulls and black jack in common!

Cut to six months later when my friend announced she had the perfect guy. But...

"He lives in Chicago!" she said apprehensively. "I know what you said about being open to dating someone long distance. But this isn't San Diego, Lisa. This is a four-hour flight! Maybe longer with head winds!"

A sly smile crept across my face. Aside from the lack of legroom, recycled air and $10 pre-packaged deli sandwich, it sounded perfect to me. I'd fly the friendly skies for a chance at romance with a Midwestern Man. I’d always heard they were great catches-good old-fashioned family values, corn-fed and most importantly, hot!

Well it's a good thing I didn't let a little thing like 2,000 miles deter me....because two years later, it turns out that this West coast girl is quite smitten with her clean cut, orange Illini shirt wearing Midwestern Man.  In fact, he and his perfectly grilled steaks are the best thing that's ever happened to her.  (And yes, even though she comes from year-round 75 degree sunny weather, she's fine with six inches of snow falling in MARCH. Really, she is.)

So, in honor of our Cub and Bear loving men we heart from the heartland, here's what two Long Beach girls consider to be the top ten greatest things about our Midwestern men:

1. They think girls from California are exotic! (At least that's what we tell ourselves!)

2. You can cook them meat and potatoes every night of the week for the rest of their lives and they’ll be happy! (Although their personal trainer won't be!)

3. They love animals, really they do. Just have to be Cubs or Bears! (Sorry Sox fans!)

4. They’ve never even heard of a metrosexual. A huge benefit because they let you buy all their clothes and do all the decorating!  It's like having your very own Ken doll!

5. They're fiercely loyal to their friends and Big 10 sports teams. We highly reccomend you don't get in the way of them spending time with either!

6. They can spend hours snow blowing, snow plowing and snow shoveling and never get tired of it-If only we could get them to apply that energy to some of the INDOOR chores!

7.  They like to take walks with you whenever it's nice out. And by nice, we mean ten degrees, a hint of light behind a cloud and no wind!

8.  If you give them a grill and a beer, they'll say yes to anything! (This is how Liz secured her Louis Vuitton purse, guinea pigs  and tickets to Barry Manilow!)

9.  With the exception of a mullet here and there, they're clean cut. Taking a walk on the wild side for them is not shaving for a day or wearing a baseball hat that's not broken in!

10. If you need them to run an errand, just tell them you also want Whitey's Ice Cream. It's amazing how fast they'll run out the door!

xoxo

Some kind of (80's) Wonderful By Liz & Lisa

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller

We were so sad to hear about the tragic death of Writer/Producer/Director John Hughes last week. And we can honestly say that his teen movies had more influence on us than we care to admit. As children of the 80's, we pined over Jake Ryan (would still do him!) considered taking up the drums (go Watts!) and debated endlessly whether Duckie's creepers were cool or not. (Liz was for, Lisa was against.) No other filmmaker captured teen turmoil like John Hughes. And in our humble opinion, there's been no one quite like him since... (Who else could make us want to dye our hair red and wear mens' blazers like Molly Ringwald?)

And it's almost scary to think how influential these fictional teens were in our angst ridden, dramatic, very real teenage lives! (Sorry Moms--yet again!) From Pretty in Pink (Liz's fav) to Sixteen Candles (Lisa's fav) to The Breakfast Club (isn't it everyone's fav!?) here's what we learned from watching our VHS tapes of these movies over and over again and what we continue to learn as we watch them on TBS over and over again.

SIXTEEN CANDLES

* You should never, ever, under any circumstances (not even when you take pity on a nerd) give your underwear away. But if you do give in and give your panties to the prepubescent geek, make sure he charges his friends more than a dollar a pop. We say at least $5 for boy shorts and $10 for a Hanky Panky thong!

* Just say N-O to that weird new guy in town who keeps screaming, "Hey Sexy Giiirrrlllfriend". And whatever you do, DON'T climb on that exercise bike with him... even if you're sporting horrible headgear and think he's the best you can get!

* On that note, think twice before taking a foreign exchange student into your home. Long Duck Dong would be fun for about five, maybe ten minutes!

* DON'T let your friends cut your hair when they're hammered, even if it is caught in a door. Someone will open it eventually!

* It IS possible get the Jake Ryan's of the world to notice you! (Note: this particular lesson led to ten years of dating assholes. Thanks John!)

WEIRD SCIENCE

* There can be major benefits to paying attention in your computer science class, ladies. Mastery of MS DOS+Barbie Doll= Hot older boyfriend with special powers! (We're thinking a George Clooney robot could be hot!)

* Never underestimate the power of a Cougar! Kelly LaBrock had it going on and paved the way for the rest of us!

SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL

* If you live on the wrong side of the tracks and insist on dating outside your pre-determined social circle, beware of the asshole with the feathered hair and "super cool" Mustang convertible!

* You CAN rock a super-short boyish do' and a leather jacket and still get a guy to fall in love with you...AND buy you some diamond earrings! (A lesson Lisa put to the test in the late 90's!)

PRETTY IN PINK

* When your choices are to date either "Steff", "Blaine" or "Duckie", you're basically f*cked!

* If you hate wearing pink (like we do) you're basically f*cked!

FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF

* When you ditch class and need a mode of transportation to get you in to the city, don't take a Ferrari. Take the shittiest car you can find. No one is checking the odometer on your mom's 85' Taurus!

* Never underestimate the power of a memorable movie line. Even *cough* twenty years later, Lisa can still be caught saying, "Bueller...Bueller...anyone, anyone?"

THE BREAKFAST CLUB

* Detention can play tricks on your mind. If you're kept locked up long enough, you can start thinking Judd Nelson is cute.

* Always wash your hair. Even if you can land the jock with your greasy locks, is it really worth it to forgo shampoo?

* No matter how many movies Anthony Michael Hall starred in, we still never found him cute! :(

xoxo, Liz & Lisa

Route 66 at 36 By Lisa

4,000 Number of feet I stood nervously above the ground on the Grand Canyon Skywalk 2,558 Number of miles traveled by car

25 Number of times I talked to my stuffed cow, "Moo" as if he were real

10 Number of unforgettable sites I visited

9 Number of forgettable fast food meals I consumed (Don't even say the word Sonic to me!)

8 Number of states traveled through

6 Number of days traveled

5 Number of pounds gained

3 Number of times I cried

2 Number of giant legs I posed with

1 Number of shirtless men who kissed me on the cheek & called me Lisa Stainkull

0 Number of Starbucks

My song about driving across the "Mother Road" would go a little something like this: There's a lot of ways to get your kicks at 36...but one of them has got to be driving route 66!

You might be wondering why Matt and I took this trip. Well, I'm "shmoving"--sort of moving--to Chicago. For now, I choose not to use the word, "moving" because I'm still going to have my condo in Long Beach with my car in the garage and several pairs of four inch heels in my closet. There's a lot more to come on the L.A. girl goes Midwest story. But for now, let's just say most of the time, you'll find me in a quaint suburb outside of Chicago starting what I like to call "the rest of my life".

We packed up the rented SUV with my must-have, can't live with outs (shoes, books and one stuffed cow, "Moo") and hit route 66 in reverse from Santa Monica to Chicago. And after a long journey across the USA, here are my route 66 travel tips:

#1 DON'T MAKE THE SAME GRAND (CANYON) MISTAKE I DID

Note to self: Never stay out until 3a.m. just hours before you're going to visit one of the seven wonders of the world.

Um, because, it's just. Plain. Stupid.

I was a HOT MESS as we weaved our way for two hours through miles of gravel roads and construction to what we thought was the location of  The Grand Canyon Skywalk, only to be informed that we'd have to board a shuttle that would take us out to the site. (And we were lucky enough to get a peppy driver named Paco who had the entire bus sing, "Who Let the Dogs Out" woof, woof, woof...)

Leading up to the skywalk,  you can walk right over to the open canyon. I'll admit, I was very jumpy that day (something about being able to plummet to your death with one misstep) and had watched one too many people deliberately stand too close to the edge pretending to fall off. (Ha fu**ing ha!) So, when Matt wanted to step down into a crevice and sit on a two-inch crack where you could see a sliver of the canyon floor below (almost a mile down!), I started to cry and begged him not to. It didn't matter that a 75-year old woman had just had her photo taken there!

Once out on the Skywalk, it was the strangest sensation to be able to see the ground below and feel like I could fall through (even though five different Skywalk employees patiently explained to me that it could hold the weight of 70 fully loaded 747's). And to the Skywalk photogs who thought you were soooo funny when you ran up behind people like me and scared us, you'd better watch your back or I'll sick my new friend, Harley on you. (See #4.)

#2 DON'T EXPECT YOUR TEEPEE TO HAVE WIFI!

After the Grand Canyon, we made our way to our stopping point for the night, another Route 66 landmark, Wigwam Village in Holbrook, AZ, and slept in a concrete teepee for two. It's probably the only teepee in history  to have cable TV and turn down service, but no wifi. Didn't the wigwams understand that I desperately needed to change my Facebook profile picture? As I lay in my tiny bed watching Conan O'Brien, I silently cursed myself for not buying that air card for the journey.

#3 MAKE FRIENDS WITH BILL AT THE BLUE SWALLOW MOTEL

The next morning we ended up meeting a bunch of really nice Norwegians (also on a route 66 tour) at another famous Route 66 diner, Joe and Aggie's Cafe, and took pictures with them.

Later, after traveling through New Mexico (beautiful-even at 90 MPH!), we arrived at the The Blue Swallow Motel. And that's where we met the owner, Bill Kinder, who instantly became our route 66 concierge.

Bill Kinder (the most appropriate last name evuh as I've never met someone, well, kinder) showed us around our room. And I quote Bill, "We have REAL towels from Bed Bath and Beyond, not those awful motel towels and if you look real close, you'll see the toilet paper has The Blue Swallow emblem on it and we've got real oak toilet seats too!"

We were in the middle of a lightning storm which Bill said can destroy the neon signs out front. But, for us (and several people after) he turned the neon on so we could get a quick photo. (Just a bit of quick trivia because I'm in love with Bill: Bill's neon 100% Refrigerated Air sign is replicated in the movie, Cars.)

When we asked our new friend where to go for food, he didn't skip a beat. "There's only one place in town--The Lizard Lounge at the Pow Wow Inn. Tell 'em Bill from The Blue Swallow sent ya."  When we walked in, it was like stepping into a scene out of the Urban Cowboy. A live band was singing, Looking for Love, people were two stepping and there were more mullets than I could count! (Trust me, I tried!)

When I got carded (yeah, you read that right, I got carded!) and didn't have my ID (because I'm 36 and in the middle of nowhere!) we almost had to leave until we told the bouncer that we knew Bill. And even though the kitchen was closed, we got to eat because, you guessed it, we knew Bill. We'll miss your connections back in the real world, Bill!

#4 YOU HAVE NOT LIVED UNTIL YOU'VE STOOD BETWEEN A HUGE PAIR OF LEGS Our trusted concierge told us we must have breakfast with his friends at The Midpoint Cafe in Adrian, TX located halfway between L.A. and Chicago (where I joked "there's no turning back now!") I'd like to give a shout out to Fran and Tommy who never complained while taking a thousand photos of us, with us, with Moo Cow... you name it, they took it! We loved your diner!

Next, we headed to the Cadillac Ranch where we were highly amused by ten old, graffiti covered caddys sticking out of the mud. Big thanks to our friend, Barbara, who loaned us a can of spray paint so we could spray the name we're now calling ourselves,  The Stannenfeldts (Steinke + Dannenfeldt) on the ground next to the cars.

Then we headed to a site not technically part of Route 66 (although it should be!) and jumped a fence to see the HUGE PAIR OF LEGS in the middle of a cow pasture! We spent far too much time posing with them and making videos about them, but we didn't care. We thought they were AWESOME! (or maybe that was mostly me?)

And then....it was on to Erick, TX where we almost didn't stop because it was getting late...

When we walked into the Sandhills Curiosity Shop, the little bell on the door chimed as we entered. We rounded the corner with huge grins, excited to meet Annabelle and Harley who Bill raved about so much, I imagined them to be the Brad Pitt and Angelina of Oklahoma. But we stopped dead in our tracks when we came face to face with a crazy-eyed guy wearing overalls without a shirt, his nipple popping out the side, who screamed that he'd been expecting us...and our cow. We were immediately introduced to the other frightened looking people in the room--a couple from Denmark and two women from Chicago who didn't bat an eye at Moo Cow because they were traveling with a stuffed friend of their own, none other than Huggy Jesus! There are no words to describe our experience of meeting the man who called me Lisa Stainkull and really, really liked to touch Matt's chest, and his wife, Annabelle, so I'll just let you use your imaginations. They say pictures are worth 1,000 words...Or, you can watch this video of them on Youtube.

#5 DON'T FORGET THE KETCHUP!

Fries need it! What's a hot dog without it? And our route 66 trip definitely wouldn't have been complete without it. Our final stop was the World's largest Catsup Bottle in Collinsville, Illinois. Because you really haven't lived until you've seen a 170 foot tall bottle of ketchup! And from there, Matt, Moo Cow and I journeyed on until we reached our final destination, Libertyville, Illinois, otherwise known as home.

xoxo, Lisa

PS: Route 66 was full of some of the nicest people I've ever met. So, I'd also like to give a shout out to Don and Joy, the wonderful owners of The Leggett House in Carthage, MO. From the baked cookies and cold milk at check in to the delicious pancake breakfast the next morning, we absolutely loved your B&B and your hospitality!

25 things Liz & Lisa want to know about Allison Winn Scotch

Liz & Lisa are SO excited to feature NYT bestselling author Allison Winn Scotch at Chick Lit is not Dead.

We love learning more about all our favorite authors. And now that we've discovered that, like us, Allison loves trashy magazines and hearts a good ol' fashioned F bomb, we just can't get enough.  And btw, Allison, you're going to have to girlfight us for Michael Vartan's love-he's such a fox!

Allison burst onto the literary scene in 2007 with her first novel, The Department of Lost and Found(Harper Collins) and followed it up with Time of My Life(Random House) in 2008. She's currently at work on her third novel, The One That I Want, which is slated for a Summer 2010 release. We can't wait!

We've been in love with her writing since the minute we picked up Time Of My Life, which is being released in paperback on August 4th.  It's an incredible story about being able to go back, and, perhaps, do things differently.  The story follows Jillian- a married woman who has it all (a banker husband, a comfortable home a beautiful daughter) until she wakes up one morning and finds herself seven years in her past.  Before baby. Before marriage. Click here to order your copy!

Also, we have THREE copies of Time of My Life to give away!  Just leave a comment on this blog and we'll pick the winners at random.

We have a feeling that you will be girl crushin' on AWS too after checking out her sassy answers to our 25 Q's.  Enjoy!

Chick Lit is Not Dead presents... The 25 things Liz & Lisa  want to know about  Allison Winn Scotch

1.  Inside my purse, you'll discover: My iPhone, a Sephora lip gloss, my mp3 player, Orbitz bubblemint gum, some random pieces of candy and coins.

2.  My secret talent is: Hmmm, true talent? I'm actually a really good singer. Not so true talent? I can read people really well within seconds of meeting them. (Beware!) :)

3.  If stranded on an island, the five things I could not live without are: My computer (is that cheating?), Napster (but that's on my computer, so I don't know if that counts), my kids, an all-you-can-eat buffet, a well-stocked shower. You know, as I think about it, I guess I don't have too many material items that matter to me so much.

4.  On my nightstand you'll find: Earplugs, a sleep shade, loads of trashy gossip magazines, and a few galleys for to-be-blurbed-if-I-like-them books.

5.  When I grew up, I wanted to be: An actress. Writing, actually, is very similar to acting, only with words, not cameras.

6.  My worst job: PR assistant. When I first graduated from college, I got a "real job" working in PR. And it was just sooooooo not for me. I stuffed goodie bags and made follow-up calls and did a bunch of mindless errands, and yes, I know you have to start somewhere, but pitching products that I thought were pretty crappy in the first place was NOT where I wanted to start. It was sheer misery. I quit 8 months later to try my hand at acting.

7.  My comfort food: Bread. Carbs. More bread. If you opened up my body for an autopsy, you'd probably find giant loaves of bread. With some chocolate on the side.

8.  The location where I write: Home office in NYC. Nice big windows overlooking the trees on our street.

9.  Three songs on my IPOD's most played list: Well, this changes all the time because I'm a music nut, but for now: Read My Mind by The Killers, Needs by Collective Soul, Time by Chantal Kreviazuk, Gone by Matt Nathanson, Home by Vanessa Carlton, and Lifeline by Mat Kearney. (I couldn't just choose 3.)

10. If I was on the cover of US Weekly, my headline would read: Allison's Incredible Makeover - How She Goes From Bedraggled Working Mom to Best-Selling Author (Clue: lots of make-up)

11. The three books that make me think of my childhood: Blubber by Judy Blume, The Encyclopedia Brown series, and Cujo by Stephen King. Yes, really. I started reading him pretty early - I think around 4th grade and fell in love. (No, I don't know what that says about me either. Or maybe I do and don't want to ask.)

12. My favorite Chick Flick: Never Been Kissed. (FTR, I asked my husband this question, and he called it. I was going to say "Notting Hill," but he's right.)

13. My favorite Chick Lit book: I'm not sure if this is Chick Lit or not, but I'll go with Lolly Winston's Good Grief. A perfect blend of humor, realism, honest emotion, and fabulous writing. It's the book that inspired me to write my debut novel, The Department of Lost and Found.

14. My "must see" TV: Friday Night Lights, Chuck, Lost, Mad Men and 30 Rock

15. My Starbucks order: Grande skim latte. (I know, boring. But I do add in the vanilla powder on top.)

16. My favorite curse word: Um, the one that starts with an F and ends with a K?

17. My celebrity man crush: Oh, so many men, so little time. You know, it's gotten a little trickier these days, as I do celebrity interviews and actually get to meet these guys in real life...and thus, I'm more hesitant to admit my undying love on the internet, lest they know who I am, but, that said, it's gotta be Michael Vartan. He was always at the top of my list, but once I interviewed him and he turned out to be as cool as I expected, he'll likely retain that #1 spot for a lifetime.

18. My celebrity girl crush: Keri Russell. No contest. I'd probably marry her if I could.

19. My writer crush: Jonathan Tropper. Or should I name a woman since we're doing Chick Lit? Well, regardless, I love Tropper's books - every single one of them - and he is one of the few writers (outside my circle of friends, of course!) for whom I will RUSH to the bookstore to pick up a hot copy. He might be a guy, but don't be dissuaded - women will (and do) love his stuff.

20. My last meal before execution: A triple-decker dessert buffet.

21. Three words to summarize my book: Twinkling, fantastical, thought-provoking.

22. It took me _____  to write my book. Two months.

23. My book's original title: Time of My Life! I scrolled through Napster to see what might work, saw this, and bam, we all agreed it was perfect.

24. Right now, I'm working on: My follow-up, The One That I Want, which plays on similar themes as Time of My Life, only by turning everything on its head: a small-town woman who thinks her life is perfect is granted the (unwelcome) ability to see into the future and discovers that nothing is as it seems and nothing is perfect after all.

25. Chick Lit is alive & kicking because: There are smart women everywhere who still love nothing better than to sink into bed and reacquaint themselves with their imagination and their love of reading.

If you just can't get enough of the fantastic Allison Winn Scotch, head on over to www.allisonwinn.com and click here to follow her on Twitter.  And for our fellow Facebook whores, click here to become a fan!

Xoxo,

Liz & Lisa

Mankini Shmankini! By Lisa

It was very apropos that I had the most dramatic cable box meltdown in Lisa Steinke history just moments before The Bachelorette Season Finale was about to start. I cried as I thought about how many of Chris Harrison’s “The Most Dramatic…..ever” statements I was about to miss. What if Ed wore a new and even shorter pair of the most dramatic mankini shorts in Bachelorette history ever?

What if Tanner came back in the most dramatic foot fetish guy return in Bachelorette history ever?

What if Jillian took the biggest dump in Bachelorette history ever?

No matter what it was, I wasn't going to miss it! And as a single tear ran down my cheek, I declared to the Comcast Cable rep that getting the cable box to work was a matter of life and death. (And it was! Mama needed to get me some matted chest hair visuals and overly dramatic piano music–stat!)

Luckily, my decision to hang up and call the cable company back so I could get someone on the line who knew what the FU*K THEY WERE DOING was a good one. The cable box started working and I was able to get my Bachelorette on, yo!

And now that The Bachelorette Season Finale & The Bachelorette: After The Final Rose has aired, I feel a bit lost. What am I going to do on Monday nights without Jillian’s squeal and Ed’s horrible wardrobe? Am I really supposed to embrace people giving back rubs and checking arm fat under infrared light on Dating in the Dark?

Until Project Runway starts (Tim & Heidi--August 20th!), I’ll still be missing Kiptyn’s abs (OMG, can we talk about the bod?), Wes’s sly asshole grin (he's a dirtbag, but he's still cute!)…and even Jake’s high-waisted pants (they brought me back to my mom jeans days!)  and I’ll be thinking of the next season of The Bachelor. (I vote for Jake! We can give him a pass for crying on that railing, can't we?)

I'll even miss Jillian because I kind of fell for her. What can I say, she’s cute, she’s a hopeless romantic like me and her squeal kind of got to me! And any woman who can look beyond matted chest hair (I’ll be sending you the Mangroomer, girlfriend!), erectile dysfunction (I'll be praying for you!) and bad hair days (tell him NOT to wear it flat against his forehead please!)  deserves a little credit. And, Jillian, I'd like to thank you for these really important life lessons I learned as I watched you weed your way from 30 guys down to one dorky albeit Chicago boy (yeah!), fiance…

THE ZIP LINE RULE If we can zip line together, we’ll have a successful marriage! Because we were both tethered to a rope and successful at sliding down to the bottom, I’m COMPLETELY CONFIDENT that we can make it through anything. Who needs to worry about talking about silly things like money, religion and parenting?  We were both strapped into a harness at the same time, we’ll be fine!!

EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE A TOTAL RAT BASTARD DOUCHE, IF YOU SING TO ME, I’M ALL YOURS! I know you barely look at me, hardly touch me, and all you want to do is sing to me…oh, and you also have  girlfriend…but I still feel that we have a really. strong. connection. Plus, it’s not good enough that you’ve been completely unavailable to me in the U.S. so now I’m going to invite you to Spain so you can continue to reject me in another country! Woo hoo! Love sure don’t come easy!

SOBER SHMOBER! I know I’ve never seen you sober, but I’m confident that we’ll still have a great relationship anyway! From the bicycling for two, to the picnic to the cheesy private concerts, you and I have always been drunk off our asses on shots and wine and beer, but I still think I know you really, really well and know we can have a future together!

TIME IS OVERRATED: YOU CAN PROPOSE AFTER FIVE MINUTES! I know I’ve only spent a total of 72 non consecutive hours with you… but they were very realistic real-world like hours! Like when we flew over Maui in a helicopter, jetted off to Spain and had a private dinner on a yacht, I could tell we were oh so compatible. So, I have no issue pushing you to give me an answer about whether or not you plan to propose to me next week!

YOU CAN’T GET IT UP, BUT I’M SURE OUR SEX LIFE WILL BE FINE! You were probably just nervous…In your defense, there were cameras everywhere. And I’m sure it had NEVER happened to you before. I may not even get another chance to spend the night with you so unless we can sneak off and try to do it behind a jet ski, I guess I’ll have to believe that your big junk bulge that you tease me with through your short shorts will one day please me!

ACCEPT THE MAN IN THE MANKINI I'm going to look past the mankini and find the man....I don't care that you're wearing shorts that are shorter than mine or that they have a back pocket and look like they're from the GIRL'S SIDE of Abercrombie & Fitch, I want to get married damnit. And a little slight public junk nudity aint going to stop me!

Well, Jillian, I can't imagine wanting to spend my life with any dude who practically showed scrotum on national TV... But then again, I can't imagine a lot of other things like keeping a mango toe polish loving foot fetish freak in the mix, working so hard to try to find Angry Dave's softer side or even trying to believe a 25-year old break dance instructor was ready to settle down.

But I must say that after seeing you on The Bachelorette: After The Final Rose, you do seem giddy and said you were "madly in love" so maybe it will work out for you? But Ed, if I ever see you walking down Michigan Avenue sporting your "even shorter" blue mankini, I'm going to have to drop kick you right in your man buldge! Chicago just aint big enough for you, me and your mankinis!

xoxo, Lisa

Douche-o-rama by Liz

Well, it's Bachelorette finale time again. That special day when two people who hardly know each other become engaged after a whirlwind romance consisting of dream dates,  fantasy suites and plenty of drama! And think about it. How can a relationship not work out after you've zip-lined together?  Or biked down a cobblestone street in Spain?  Or jumped off a chartered yacht while holding hands in Hawaii? These are the activities that build a strong foundation for the future! And nothing says trust like feverishly competing with thirty other men for your woman's affections.

I mean, clearly, ABC wants to make sure these relationships are built to last, right?

Riiiigggghhhht.

But Bachelorette lovers, don't worry.  I'm not hatin'.  Just like you, I've had a date  with my girl Jillian every Monday night at 8pm all summer.  I cringed when Tanner inappropriately talked about her feet and when Dave became an Angry Santa and threatened to "beat Juan's ass". I gasped when Sasha was sent home on a city bus (worst walk of shame-EVUH!) and laughed at the irony of a man named ED having E-D issues on national television.

I screamed at the TV as Jillian continued to be blinded by Wes's douchebagness and cheered when Jake tattle-tailed that he had a girlfriend.  And because of that act of chivalry, I gave Jake's high-waisted pants and crying-over-the-railing incident a pass.  I even participated in some angry tweeting when I discovered Wes was on Twitter! (You can too by clicking here! And you can follow Liz and Lisa by clicking here.)

Wes. As much as I hated to admit it, I found myself relating to Jillian's reluctance to let him go.  Admit it. ladies, we've all dated our fair share of guys like Wes.  Classic bad boy. The kind of guy makes you crazy, in a throwing rocks at his window, blocked caller ID sort of way.

And while I was excited when she finally kicked him to the curb (I think his rose ceremony outfit may have sealed the deal, wtf?), Liz circa 1989-1998 understood exactly why she had so much trouble letting him go.  But the good news for me was that all my douchebag-loving-gone-wrong experiences had not been televised.

Although I must say that would have been Must-See TV!

Like Jillian, I finally kicked my bad boy habit to the curb many years ago and switched to Team Nice Guy.(Thank you, Mike Fenton!)   And in honor of her seeing the light, I've composed a list of other men like Wes that my friends and I have encountered over the years.  I like to call it...

Douche-o-rama, 90's edition.

THE LEAD SINGER

Ladies, let's face it.  A man's ability to sing or play an instrument makes him hot. (How else would Steven Tyler EVER get laid?) In fact, it's probably what sends thousands of average-looking boys to guitar lessons each year.  And even though I already knew that Wes was trouble, my heart STILL melted a little when he serenaded Jillian. But the only problem is that he was probably singing "It Don't Take That Long" to a different girl each night. My advice is to put on your earplugs and kick this one to the curb, ASAP!

THE STAR CROSSED LOVER

Yes, I know it seems romantic that your friends and family have told you he's no good for you so you have to sneak around to see him.  But you know what's not so romantic? Text stalking. (AKA "pager stalking" in the 1990's.  It's amazing how many words you can spell with upside-down numbers!) Maybe it's time to put the "talk" back in "stalking".

THE CRAZY GUY

Ugh. The crazy guy.  Why do we always want to "fix" him?  It's like picking out some angry dog at the pound that bites you and pees all over your furniture.  But the challenge of reforming a crazy guy is always too tempting for some of us.  Just think, you could be the ONE he changes his ways for!  Not.

THE FRIEND YOU WANT TO BE MORE FRIENDLY WITH

This was my M.O. back in the day. Become friends, start to crush, hook up one drunken night and then proceed to have the most dysfunctional friendship EVUH. Note to self:  When your "friend" is asking for your advice on how to get the attention of your friend, HE IS NOT INTERESTED! And going all "fifth grade" on him and writing a seven page love letter confessing your true feelings is not going to help things.  Trust me on this one-never leave any evidence of your desperado behavior!

MR. PERFECTO

Dating a guy that owns a beach house, a plane and got a perfect score on his SATs  does sound pretty killer. Hmm...except for his video game obssesion, which kinda creeps you out.  Oh, and also the fact that he makes you so crazy you threw rocks at his window at 2am when he didn't call you back.  And when he finally let you in, you slept on the edge of his bed like a naughty dog. Time to say GAME OVER.

Tell us about your Douch-o-rama!

xoxo, Liz

We're crushin'! by Liz & Lisa

As writers, we do a lot of reading! (And we're not just talking about Us Weekly!)  We've devoured everything from Patricia Cornwell to Candy Spelling.  From memoirs to mysteries...bestsellers to bombs.  And our favorite thing to do after reading the words, The End, is to dish about it with each other. It's our book club for two (*cue sappy music*) where we discuss how a book made us feel.  Did we discard it after the third chapter or savor it like a delicious meal? And was it so yummy that we might have even developed a little crush on its author too?...

For us, when we read something we REALLY LOVE, we don't just fall in love with the book, we fall a little bit in love with the person who wrote it. We can start crushin' pretty hard on that author who put fingers to keyboard, who created the plot and the characters and then mixed it all together to make a story that each time we read it, just keeps getting better...

And that's exactly what happened when Lisa discovered Laura Dave.

It was love at first read when she found LONDON IS THE BEST CITY IN AMERICA on a New Fiction table at Barnes & Noble a few years back. She inhaled three chapters while sitting in the bookstore and finished it just a few hours later. And after Liz borrowed and read it, it's not surprising that she fell for her too. (BTW--Lisa never told Liz, but she knew there would be a girl fight before she'd ever really share Laura Dave with her!)

So fast forward to this past May when Lisa was again back in Barnes & Noble. But this time, she wasn't just shopping for books.

She sat there. Palms sweaty, heart racing, cheeks flushed.

She was about to meet someone she was really crushing on. No, it wasn't a first date with a man or a chance encounter with Justin Timberlake. It was even better!

She was about to come face to face with her #1 writer crush! She was at signing for Laura Dave's second and equally amazing book, THE DIVORCE PARTY.

But as she sat front and center (literally), 45 minutes early, she began to see the scene as Laura might. Lisa knew she must look like a crazy person as she white-knuckled her tattered copy of the DIVORCE PARTY for dear life, a perma-grin plastered across her face and sweat rings forming under her arm pits. Suddenly, she feared Laura might think she was some kind of book stalker and have security escort her out and promptly unfriend her on Facebook.  She began to beat herself up for not taking a seat in the back and playing a little hard to get.

After the reading (fell in love a little more) and the Q & A (too nervous to ask a question--but had so many!), Lisa waited in line trying to come up with the perfect words that would sound breezy and non stalker-like when she finally got the opportunity to have Laura sign her book.

But the magical words never came to her. And even though Lisa was a hot mess when she reached the front of the line, Laura was absolutely lovely. (No doubt, she's seen it all!) And she even humored her and accepted a copy of Lisa and Liz's book, I'LL HAVE WHO SHE'S HAVING!  But the icing on the cake was when she gave Lisa a giant hug and thanked her for giving her the copy of her book. Who does that? It was then that Lisa knew there would never be another author who could win her heart the way Laura Dave had. :)

So you can imagine our excitement to have Laura at our LA book signing as our special guest!

So come down and join us on this Saturday the 25th at Metropolis Books in downtown LA from 4-8pm. Bring your favorite bottle of wine to share with your girlfriends in the comfy sitting area!

In addition, the fabulous folks over at DXG USA have loaded each of our beach bag giveaways with the MOST fashionable and trendy high definition video camcorder you have ever seen. DXG’s new Luxe Collection (retail value $149.99) merges fashion (Chick Lit fans love fashion!) with technology. Designed with patterns and bling, and with matching cases, they look and feel like your favorite fashion accessory.  And each bag is filled with books from your favorite chick lit authors!  A big thank you to eBags for donating the SUPER CUTE bags by Saltbox and Make Love Not Trash!

Each person who has their book signed will be entered in a drawing to win these awesome bags! The drawing will take place at 6pm, and you must be present to win! Good luck!

So grab your girlfriends (blondes, brunettes, and cougars!) — and boyfriends (we love men who dig Chick Lit!) — and head over to Metropolis Books in downtown L.A. (440 S. Main St. L.A. 90013) for a fun night out. And join us for drinks after to continue the Chick Lit Fan Night Out. Details at the event.

See you there!

Xoxo,

Liz & Lisa

Now it's your turn to ask Jennifer Weiner!

She's already answered our 25 questions, but... Have you ever wondered what inspired Jennifer Weiner to write GOOD IN BED?

Want to know what her favorite color is or who she's rooting for on Big Brother?

Well, here's your chance!

Starting Monday July 20th, the faboosh Jennifer Weiner will be available all week to answer your hard-hitting questions at Barnes & Noble's online book club, CenterStage. Each week on CenterStage they feature one bestselling author with a new release -- but the conversation will include all of that author's books, not just the new one. It's a great opportunity for you to ask your favorite authors any question, but it's even more perfect if you have a "big picture" question about how they write, what ties their books together, who inspires them, and much, much more. 

Click here to check it out and register!

And Lisa and Liz will be there too, bantering with our girl Jen and asking all the questions that we were too scared to ask the first time! Hmm...do you think she will tell us who her favorite cougar bait is?  Or what she would like to do to people who pronounce her last name as "Weener"?

So join us July 20-24th at B&N's CenterStage to chat up the fabulous Jennifer Weiner.  Be there or be square!

xoxo

Liz & Lisa

25 Sin City Secrets Revealed! By Liz & Lisa

We just got back from one of our favorite places to escape to when we just want to get the hell out of Dodge--SIN CITY. And this trip definitely did NOT disappoint. We'd like to give a shout out to everyone from the vertically challenged Elvis impersonators running rampant through the casinos to the professional tanners at the Venetian pool who make that woman in There's Something About Mary look pale, for giving us more blog fodder than we could've ever hoped for! In fact, it sparked an idea. We thought we'd finally answer our own "25 Q's"....but with a Vegas spin!

1. Inside my purse for a Vegas night out, you’ll discover: LIZ: Cash, chips, players card, ATM card (for after I get drunk & lose my ass playing Blackjack), lipstick, breath mints and phone number of a good attorney. (Just in case!) LISA: My ID (praying I’ll get carded), my cell phone (in case I need to make that one call), $100 cash (if I lose that, I’m done- I swear!), and my AMEX (That “never leave home without it” slogan gives me comfort!).

2.  Inside my suitcase for Vegas, you’ll find: LIZ: Slutty shirts, low-slung jeans (no mom jeans allowed!) and glittery makeup. LISA: Jeans & a black top (shockingly original, I know!), ballet flats (learned the hard way NOT to wear four-inch heels & need to be escorted up to your room to change into comfortable shoes. See #11-- “one eyed Jack”) & the book I never end up reading by the pool I never end up going to.

3. My secret Vegas talent is: LIZ: The ability to walk five miles back to the hotel in 100-degree heat and four-inch heels.  It always looks so much closer than it is! LISA: The uncanny ability to always find the blackjack dealer with only four teeth.

4. If stranded in Vegas, the five things I could not live without: LIZ: B-12 pills, strapless bra, straightening iron, tickets to Barry Manilow’s show and the number to Gamblers Anonymous hotline. LISA: iPhone, MacBook, earplugs, dandelion root (keeps you from bloating!!) and a bottle of water that I’d keep refilling in the Bellagio fountain if I had to.

5. On my nightstand in Vegas you’ll find: LIZ: Five bottles of partially-drank water, a ton of 50-cent coins and a barf bag. LISA: Water, water and more water.

6. Worst Vegas wingman job: LIZ: **taps on microphone** LaSundra, please step up to the podium & accept your award for WORST. WINGWOMAN. EVER.  You know why, girlfriend. LISA: Chaperoning a friend who shall remain nameless (you know who you are!) & some old, obnoxious guy all night-- because I feared he’d take her up to his room & kill her Vegas style.

7. Vegas hangover meal: LIZ: BLT with avocado, extra crispy fries with Ranch.  Thank God I don’t live there, I’d gain 50 lbs! LISA: Tuna melt, fries & a regular coke at the Garden Café in the Bellagio

8. The location where I gamble: LIZ: As a certified gambling addict, I’ll play anywhere.  BUT, my favorite place is a little hole-in-the-wall called Wild Bill’s.  They have $5 Craps and I can usually guarantee I’ll be the youngest girl there, which always makes me feel good! LISA: Hard Rock Casino

9. The three songs that make me think of Vegas memories: LIZ: Tootsie Roll, Gin & Juice and anything from Hootie & the Blowfish circa 1995. LISA: Baby Got Back, I’m Too Sexy & Hot in Here

10. If I was on the front page of The Las Vegas Journal, my headline would read: LIZ: 35- year-old woman arrested for jumping onstage and fondling Chippendale dancers, blames Don Julio. LISA: Chick Lit Author literally loses her shirt at Coyote Ugly

11. My worst Vegas hook up: LIZ: Oh, God. Probably when I was at the Hard Rock and made out with some guy in front of a slot machine until we were interrupted by someone who wanted to play. The machine, that is. LISA: Three words: One. Eyed. Jack.

12. Proudest Vegas hook up: LIZ: When we were first dating, my husband told me he loved me for the first time while in Vegas, right before he passed out in his club sandwich. Very touching. LISA: Matt also said, “I love you” for the first time in Vegas. We were at a Black Jack table and come to think of it, he probably said it to the dealer after he got 21 & I thought he was talking to me! That would explain the shocked and confused expression on his face when I said it back! ;)

13. The three things that make me think of Vegas: LIZ: Feather boas, kamikaze shots and that ching-ching-ching-ching noise. LISA: Joe Pesci, Bachelorette parties (Gag! That includes yours Liz!) and guys with striped, button down shirts and jeans.

14. My “must see” Vegas landmark: LIZ: Um, the only sightseeing I do in Vegas is in the cab to and from the airport. LISA: The inside of the Hard Rock casino. It's pretty much all I see the entire time I’m there! (Although they've now made it more visually interesting by adding pole dancers!)

15. My Vegas Starbucks order: LIZ: No Starbucks in Vegas for me. The shots I’m drinking aren’t coming out of an espresso machine! LISA: I always want Starbucks, but end up drinking bad café coffee as I try not to throw up on my ballet flats.

16.  Most common way I’ve used my favorite curse word in a sentence in Vegas: LIZ: “Look!  He’s doing the fucking Worm” after my husband hits 32 on roulette and proceeds to drop to the floor and celebrate with his awful rendition of that 80’s dance move. LISA: Why did I fucking hit the ATM again?

17. Gambling game of choice: LIZ: Craps!  Fast-paced and it’s the one place you can yell at people and they don’t seem to mind. LISA: Roulette. There’s no better feeling than winning $35 dollars when your number hits. I’ve seen grown men cry with joy over it.

18: Vegas vice: LIZ: Acting like I’m a high roller without the cash to back it up. LISA: Drinking with abandon like I’m still 22.

19: Vegas performer crush: LIZ: Barry Manilow! LISA: Elton John! (With the Ricky Martin knock-off in the Legends show coming in a close second)

20. The last thing I’d do in Vegas before execution: LIZ: Gamble the night away at the Playboy club at the Palms; the music is awesome there!  And then eat the biggest fattest BLT the world has ever seen. LISA: Put all of my money on black.

21. Best Vegas celebrity, impersonator or otherwise sighting: LIZ: JT, baby! LISA: Ditto that! Jorts and all.

22. Three words to summarize my last trip to Vegas are: LIZ: SUPER. INCREDIBLY. AWESOME. LISA: Too. Many. Nights.

23. The title of my book about Vegas would be: LIZ: The Girlfriend’s Guide to Gambling LISA: It should’ve stayed in Vegas. The true “not so love” story of Lisa & One-eyed Jack

24. Vegas drink of choice: LIZ: Stoli Raspberry and club soda, YUM! LISA: The one that doesn’t give me a gnarly hangover the next day! (Still trying to find it!)

25. True or False- What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas: LIZ: TRUE, or at least I hope it does… LISA: True dat!

xox0, Liz & Lisa

The Girlfriend's Guide To Vegas By Liz & Lisa

We love Las Vegas for so many reasons. And not just because of it's lenient open-container laws and 24-hour buffets.  It's more about that Vegas feeling.  You know, that flutter in your stomach as your cab barrels down the strip, narrowly avoiding pedestrians?  It's the feeling that ANYTHING can happen.  Where else can you dance on the bar at Coyote Ugly, play blackjack with Nick Lachey and take a picture with a "little person" Elvis impersonator all in the same night?  What other city in America would be so tolerant when you throw up in a casino trashcan after your fifth kamikaze shot?  And where else can us thirty-somethings go to reclaim our youth by drinking with abandon and staying up all night? Las Vegas has a little somethin' somethin' for everyone. And not to be cocky, but we consider ourselves to be "Vegas Experts."  I guess that's what happens when you have a fake ID at eighteen and attend a college that's just a three-hour car ride away. Needless to say, we've had the best of times and the worst of times in Sin City.  Just about anything that can happen, has happened to us in Vegas.

And although we are true believers that what happens in Vegas should by all means stay there, we thought we'd provide a few pointers for your next trip.

Liz & Lisa's Girlfriend's Guide To Vegas

IT'S TIME TO DOUBLE DOWN WHEN:

1. You and your boyfriend get two different offers for three-ways in the same weekend. And you choose not to focus on the fact that one woman had the body of a prepubescent boy and the other was so hammered she could barely stand.

2. A dashingly handsome British guy named Johnny sits next to you at the blackjack table and tells you that he thinks you’re 25. (And you promise to properly thank your boyfriend later for not correcting him!)

3. You listened to your psychic and confidently bet all your money on the number three. You not only win $1,000 but the entire table is begging you for your roulette recipe for success. You haven’t felt this good since twenty minutes ago when your blackjack table companion thought you were 25 (see #2).

4. The pit boss at Wild Bill’s upgrades your player’s card to “gold status” and offers you a comped night in the “penthouse” suite (on the 4th floor). And even though you’d rather spend the night sleeping on a pool chair at Circus Circus than so much as even stick your big toe inside the free room, you still feel like a “high roller.”

5. You take your pasty white complexion outside when it’s 110 degrees, lounge in the wade pool for hours and thank the Vegas gods when you don’t end up burning like the leathery skinned, There’s Something About Mary look-a-like next to you.

6. Your cab driver tells you that you’re the most entertaining passengers he’s had all night and you’re so caught up in his praise that you don’t mind that he’s missing four teeth and smells like a combination of tequila and pine air freshener!

IT'S TIME TO CASH IN YOUR CHIPS WHEN:

1. You're starting to feel right at home with all the crazy UFC fans and consider their invitation to cruise up to their suite at Imperial Palace for an impromptu "fight club".

2.  You're shaking like a crackwhore after your tenth Red Bull and Grey Goose.

3. The drink lady at Hard Rock cut you off even after you tipped her $10 a drink. (see number #2)

4. You've smoked ten cigarettes despite the fact that you don't even know how to smoke.  That's probably why you made a rookie mistake and accidentally burned a hole in the shirt of the drunk guy next to you at the blackjack table.

5. You don't blink an eye when you open your hotel room door and discover your neighbor passed out facedown in a hamburger in the hallway.  In fact, you're so hungry that you consider taking a french fry off her plate.

6.  You literally don't have any chips to cash in!  That's when it's time to cash in your figuritive chips and say good bye to dear ol' Vegas. (Unless, of course,  you have a really great cash advance plan on your Visa!)

xoxo, Liz & Lisa

Lessons from the Midwest By Lisa

DISCLAIMER: Despite the fact that this blog post is laced with sarcasm and my typical off-beat humor, I can honestly tell you that I LOVE the Midwest and the people that live there. (Especially Matt and his family!)  I, under no circumstances, feel that just because I happen to reside somewhere that is 72 degrees and sunny 350 days out of the year that I have a better way of living. (Ok, so maybe I DO feel that way when it's February in Chicago, ZERO degrees and snowing, my lips are burning off, I can hardly catch my breath and my only salvation would be a face mask. And that's just to go from the parking lot into the grocery store!) This past Fourth of July, I was invited to take a trip. Not to a beach party. Not to a pool with cabana boys and drinks stuffed with umbrellas. And not to the park for BBQ ribs and ice cold beer.

I was extended an invitation to go to...

IOWA!

People generally said the same thing when they found out where I was headed for the 4th.

"Iowa?....um, why?"

Well, the answer is because that's where some of Matt's family live and they were kind enough to invite me to be part of their gathering. And I was actually very excited at both the prospect of hanging with them and with all the blog fodder it would undoubtedly provide. Little did I know, I'd learn a few lessons along the way.

Lesson #1:   Knee high by the Fourth of July

When I arrived in Des Moines, I excitedly asked where the corn was.  Met with confused expressions on the faces of the members of Matt's family, I clarified, "You know, like in the Field of Dreams!" They gave the girl from the West Coast a courtesy smile and explained that the corn was there--right off the interstate (I learned they don't call them Freeways out there) but that it was only knee high by the Fourth of July. Then, by the Fall, it would be taller than Shaquille O'Neal! In fact, there were human mazes created out of the corn rows for afternoons of fun in October. For a moment, I considered this option for how to spend a day in October. Hmm...Human maze? or Belly up to a bar for an Octoberfest brew? How would I ever decide?

Lesson #2:  Midwesterners deal with bad weather just like anyone else...with alcohol!

Matt and I arrived at the Urbandale parade bright and early with unfamiliar coffee in hand. (Note to self: appreciate that Starbucks is on every corner back in L.A.). Members of Matt's family had arrived even earlier to stake out a spot with chairs and prepare it for rain by covering the ground with tarps. I learned that you ALWAYS have to be ready for anything from a drizzle to a full downpour. Even if it's 85 degrees outside! In fact, a Midwesterner's RAIN umbrella is the size of a BEACH umbrella!  They practically require two people to hold them up!  Just as I was beginning to wonder how these people didn't let bad weather get them down, the answer was served to me in a thermos full of Bloody Mary's. And I decided nothing makes vodka and tomato juice taste better than a light drizzle.

Lesson #3:  Midwestern costume characters think they're the SHIT...and apparently they are because I stalked them like I was the paparazzi.

Apparently, you don't "F" with a Midwestern costume character's pre-parade flow. These guys are like freakin' royalty! And I guess some of them couldn't be bothered while getting all psyched up to put on a great show. Like The Corn.

Silly me thought it would be funny to get a picture with the guy dressed up like corn, a.k.a., The Corn. You know, with my whole corn obsession and all. So, we tried to get The Corn's attention. Matt went so far as to scream, "corn, corn...hey corn!" (I've got to hand it to my man, he really tried to help me get my picture! You would've thought he was helping me try to get a photo with Justin Timberlake!) But, unfortunately, the corn sailed right by us, ignoring Matt's very loud and slightly desperate calls. I guess The corn stops for no man!

I ended up settling for a chicken but I still had to BEG HIM to take a picture with me as I grabbed onto his "feathers" and pulled him toward me. It was humiliating, but I knew it would make a great Facebook profile pic.

When we spotted a pig, our eyes lit up and Matt, again going back to basics, simply yelled, "pig, pig!" and this time the pig stopped walking! Then he looked over at us and pointed his hoof at himself as if to say  "Who, me?" and we said, "Yes, yes, you!" But we later side-barred about it. Did he really think there was another pig? But I'm not complaining. At least pig wasn't too good for his fans.

Then there was the pirate who refused to stop for a photo. (I guess he didn't like my "Aye, aye Matey, take a photo with me or walk the plank!" ) So, I simply ran behind him as Matt snapped away.

Lesson #4:  If you have a sweet tooth at a Midwestern parade you better bring a frickin' hard hat!

Just when I thought I'd seen it all, the people in the parade started throwing candy AT us. Before I could say WTF, I was pelted in the head with a Snickers bar and a bag of Skittles. I turned to Matt who shrugged his shoulders and said (as if it was common knowledge), "You've got to keep your eyes wide open at these things or you could get whacked!"

So, when someone asks me again, "Why Iowa"? I'm going to reply, "Why the hell not?" I now know how to simultaneously operate a giant umbrella while holding a cocktail and hailing a 6 foot 2 inch overgrown pig.  What girl, Midwest or otherwise, doesn't need these fundamental skills?

xoxo, Lisa

Mama Drama by Liz

Mommy is doing the best she can, honey. I can't tell you how many times I repeated that phrase to my four-year old while visiting my Mom this past weekend.  Swimming nonstop for 6 hours straight combined with the fact that I overcooked her mac and cheese and forgot to pack her favorite Hello Kitty underwear really sent her over the edge!

And I didn't miss the small smile forming on my mother's lips as she watched Miss R demand the crust be taken off her bread or when she told me that my singing  "hurt her ears". (In her defense, I am a TERRIBLE singer.  But still.)

Come on people. It didn't take a mind reader to know what my mom was thinking while she had that smirk on her face.

Finally!  It's payback time, beyotch!

Yes, it's true.  Growing up, I had a tendency to be somewhat of a little bitchface at times to my mother, who in all fairness, was a wonderful parent.  Hell, even now, I sometimes speak to her like a spoiled teenage brat, rolling my eyes and saying, "Whatevuh, Mom!" whenever she harps on me for not taking a daily multi-vitamin or reminds me that osteoporosis runs in our family.

And normally, occasional meltdowns from my kids when they are overly exhausted don't really phase me.  But I just finished Tori Spelling's MOMMYWOOD last week and now every perceived injustice from my daughter has me paranoid.  You see, My girl Tori has got some serious mama drama and she's obsessed with righting the perceived wrongs from her childhood.  Specifically, things that her mother Candy did.  And that obsession seems to control most of the parenting decisions that she makes.

Candy made Tori wear her hair in a bob for most of her childhood? Well, her daughter Stella is going to grow her hair down to her ass like some crazy hippie!

Candy had incredible costumes made every Halloween? Well, Tori is ordering hers from *gasp* Pottery Barn Kids!  Take that, Candy!

By the end of the book, I felt bad for Tori.  And not because she had some terrible childhood, (I'm sorry, but while giving your child Madame Alexander dolls may be lame, it's not child abuse!) but because she has let her mother's flaws as a parent have such power over her, even as an adult.

And if Tori and I were BFFs, (Does it count that I know someone who knows someone who is in her Mommy and me class?) I'd give her this small pearl of wisdom:

No matter what you do or how hard you try, you're going to F*CK up your kids somehow.  That while you may be successful in not screwing them up the same way your parents did, I assure you that they will find all new ways to be screwed up.  It's just the way it is.  All you can do is love them and do the best you can!

So there you go, Tori.  The answer to all your problems.  No need to thank me, girl.

And in tribute to my own mother, I've complied a list of all the ways I'm probably scarring my own children for life.  I'm thinking it will come in handy when my daughter pens her first tell-all!

MOMMY IS VERY SORRY THAT...

1.  Mommy is very sorry about Goofy the guinea pig's death.  And despite what you told everyone at preschool, I did not feed her poison spinach.

2.  Mommy is sorry that she dared to speak while you were watching Spongebob.  I know that it was a very pivotal moment where you were about to discover the secret "Krabby Patty" ingredient.

3.  Mommy is very sorry that her tater tots don't taste the same as the ones they serve at preschool.  You would think that all over-processed frozen potato products would taste the same.  But as you mentioned, theirs are "yummy" and mine are "disgusting".  Actually, you told me that they were IS-UG-STING.  But I knew what you meant.

4. Mommy is very sorry that she doesn't want to get her hair wet at the pool.  But, seriously, have you seen what Mommy's hair looks like when it air dries? And on a side note, I'm sorry to break the news you may have the same problem on your hands in the future. And don't go blaming that one on me, girlfriend.  Even Mommy can't control genetics!

5. Mommy is very sorry she didn't eat the thousand-calorie banana bread your class worked very hard on at the Mother's day breakfast.  All I can say is that I hope you inherit your Grandmother's metabolism!

xoxo Liz

25 things Liz & Lisa want to know about Jennifer Weiner

We are ecstatic that Jennifer Weiner has agreed to share her innermost secrets here at Chick Lit Is Not Dead.  Well, maybe not her innermost secrets, but we were thrilled to discover little nuggets about her. And it turns out, we share a love for the same television shows and all appreciate the word "douchebag"!  We love this woman! In fact, GOOD IN BED is one of Liz's all-time favorite books, and Lisa has read THE GUY NOT TAKEN more times than she can count.

Jennifer is the author of many fabulous Chick Lit novels including her much-anticipated new book, BEST FRIENDS FOREVER, available in just a couple weeks! We can tell from the title alone that we are going to LOVE it! Gee, we wonder why?

After her debut novel GOOD IN BED (2001); came IN HER SHOES (2002) which was turned into a major motion picture starring Cameron Diaz, Toni Collette and Shirley MacLaine; then LITTLE EARTHQUAKES (2004); GOODNIGHT NOBODY (2005); the short story collection THE GUY NOT TAKEN (2006); and CERTAIN GIRLS (2008), the sequel to GOOD IN BED. And because of all her awesomeness, there are more than 11 million copies of her books in print in 36 countries. Kind of makes us want to learn another language...

So give us a drum roll please...CHICK LIT IS NOT DEAD PRESENTS: 25 things Liz & Lisa want to know about Jennifer Weiner!

1.  Inside my purse, you'll discover: My glasses, cinnamon gum, a stray pacifier for the baby.

2.  My secret talent is: nothing I’d want to see in print!

3.  If stranded on an island, the five things I could not live without are: Prescription sunglasses, Blackberry, Carmex lip balm, my Kindle (yes, I know it’s going to kill publishing, but can’t live without it), my Kindle power cord and…wait, is there power on this island?

4.  On my nightstand you'll find: About a dozen books I’m either reading or re-reading; my Kindle, a framed picture of my older daughter (she’s six) from her first birthday.

5.  When I grew up, I wanted to be: A writer! How ‘bout that?

6.  My worst job: When I was sixteen, I worked at a really fancy (well, for suburban Connecticut it was really fancy) restaurant. My job was to walk through the tables with a wicker basket over my arm, offering diners fresh-baked biscuits and raspberry jam. I was the biscuit girl.

7.  My comfort food: Shortbread cookies, chocolate-chip cookies, linzer tarts, garlic-lemon roast chicken with mashed potatoes…and biscuits. Yes, I still love biscuits!

8.  The location where I write: Neighborhood coffee shops and cafes, my closet when I’m home

9.  Three songs on my IPOD's most played list: “You Found Me” by The Fray, “Wore Me Down” by Rachael Yamagata, the “Glee” version of “Don’t Stop Believin’”

10. If I was on the cover of US Weekly, my headline would read: “Jen’s Secret Heartache?” (If I were on the cover of Us Weekly, I can only assume it would be because someone confused me with Jennifer Aniston. In which case the headline could very well be “Jen Lets Herself Go.”)

11. The three books that make me think of my childhood:A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, Little Women, Blubber

12. My favorite Chick Flick: “Working Girl.” Has Harrison Ford ever been hotter? I could watch it every day.

13. My favorite Chick Lit book: An oldie but a goodie: SHEILA LEVINE IS DEAD AND LIVING IN NEW YORK

14. My "must see" TV: How much time have you got? Lost, Grey’s, So You Think You Can Dance, American Idol, Top Chef, Project Runway, How I Met Your Mother and How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria

15. My Starbucks order: Calm tea in the winter, venti iced decaf with room for milk in the summer (and isn’t “Room for Milk” a great potential book title?)

16. My favorite curse word: Douchebag

17. My celebrity man crush: Alan Rickman. Shutup

18. My celebrity girl crush: Sarah Silverman

19. My writer crush: Tom Perrotta

20. My last meal before execution: Clearly, I would demand to be taken to an all-you-can-eat buffet…and then I’d just say, “Sorry, not done yet.” They’d never be able to kill me!

21. Three words to summarize my book: Great big heart

22. It took me _____  to write my book. Unspeakable quantities of dark chocolate and baked goods

23. My book's original title: It was always BFF!

24. Right now, I'm working on: Packing up the girls for our jaunt to Cape Cod

25. Chick Lit is alive & kicking because: women never get tired of reading about funny, familiar, relatable characters trying to make sense of their lives.

We can't wait to read BEST FRIENDS FOREVER, available on July 14th! Click here to pre-order your copy.  And to find out even more about the divine Jennifer Weiner, head on over to www.jenniferweiner.com.

xoxo,

Liz & Lisa

Top Five Reasons to Embrace Your Inner Cougar By Liz & Lisa

The coug gets a bad rap. So what if she's 40-ish (40 is sooo the new 21), bleached blonde and doing all she can to fight dear 'ol mother nature!  Who gives a flying botox needle if she prefers to prey on young, hot men with stamina for days? Last time we checked, doing the naughty with someone at the height of his sexual peak was a damn good thing. We're 35 and a year over 35 respectively (36 just sounds so, well, over 35) and although not technically ready to admit we're officially cougar card carrying members, we definitely have the #1 symptom of cougarism. Our eyes have started narrowing in on the *cough* younger men out there--many of whom could be our sons. (Well, in biblical times anyway.)

So, if you're on the fence, hopefully we can persuade you that "going young" really is the new black. Here are what we consider five excellent reasons to embrace your cougar within.

#5- The Bachelorette Ladies! This is like the cougar's version of the Animal Planet. From the comfort of your own couch, you can sit back with a bowl of Pirates Booty and watch them in captivity. Forget Jillian, it's all about her prospective suitors... the young pieces of man candy who, lucky for us, LOVE to run around shirtless and drunk (such a glorious combination!) Well for most of them anyway... We're ecstatic she finally dumped Tanner P., a.k.a. the tattle tailing, foot fetish, mango toe nail polish loving freak who's older than we like anyway (30!)  So, if you haven't already, hurry up and add this guilty pleasure to your Monday night Tivo line up! (Only 5 men left and two are under 27!)  ROAR! (PS: Be on the look out this Fall for Courtney Cox's new show, Cougar Town, which will hopefully offer some yummy cougar candy!)

#4-Gossip Girl- Chuck Bass (Ed Westwick), Nate Archibald (Chace Crawford) & Dan Humphrey (Penn Badgley) Don't think about the fact these three guys are playing high school boys because, in real life, they're all over 18! (But if it makes you feel any better, their characters all just graduated and are off to college! Woo hoo!)

Chuck Bass is the resident bad boy. But even better, he's the resident rich bad boy (those hundred dollar bills just seem to make him even cuter). He's definitely the one mom warned you not to go out with which makes it all the more fun to cougar crush on him now.

Nate Archibald is the boy next door and just so damn cute. But if GG just isn't your thing (as if!) or you don't have time to add it into your television line up (more likely!), this week, you can check out Chace Crawford on the cover of People Magazine's  Summer's Hottest Bachelor issue (can we say hot in black polo much?) And soon, you can see him starring in the Footloose remake! (He replaced Zac Efron who dropped out. Lisa's not at all sad about that because she plays for Team Chace. It's Liz who crushes on Zac. See #2.) Now, we hate to point out that Chace wasn't even born when the original Footloose was released. But before you get your Hanky Pankys all in a bunch, we'd like to assure you that he's now a very respectable cougar prey age of 22. So, we feel it will be completely acceptable to lust after him as he cuts loose in an abandoned warehouse.

Dan Humphrey is the perfect blend of Chuck and Nate (if you don't count the fact that he's Gossip Girl poor). He's a little bit o' bad (had an affair with a teacher!) and a whole lot o' good (looks out for his little sister, gets good grades, blah, blah) all rolled up into one very cute (although not so tall) package.  GG is in re-runs now, so it's a perfect time for you to get caught up on all the Upper East Side drama and decide which of the three guys is your favorite. Or if you're lookin' for new bait, there's a hottie comin' on board in season three!

#3- American Idol-Kris Allen We have to admit, it took awhile before we sniffed out this cougar bait.  At first we were distracted by Adam Lambert's guyliner and Danny Gokey's sweet ballads and sad back story.  But when Kris took the stage and belted out Kanye West's "Heartless", we melted like butter on a baked potato.  And we weren't the only ones who felt that way....we'd bet our Jimmy Choos that his surprising victory was due to a cougar population explosion!  Don't ever come between a coug and her speed dial people.

#2- Zac Efron There's a reason that Liz has seen HSM 2 more times than she'd like to admit.  And it has nothing to do with her four-year old's penchant for Sharpay's pink golf cart and everything to do with her coug crush on Zac Efron. She's had a thing for him since the minute she saw him take the floor in his Wildcats uniform and wasn't at all bothered by the fact that he barely even gave Gabriella more than a peck on the cheek the entire movie! (She likes to tell herself that he was just playing hard to get.) And maybe we shouldn't even mention the fact that the soundtrack has somehow landed in her iPod's top 25 playlist?  She's always had a thing for guys who could carry a tune...even if they played for the other team! *cough* Barry Manilow!

#1- Justin Timberlake (Honorary Cougar Prey) We were almost sad to discover that he's a bit, er, older than we thought. (When did he turn 28?!) But to us, he's still an 'N Sync'er with that curly hair (although the clippers were a very good call). So, he makes our cougar cut anyway, because, well, he's freakin' JT! Who knew back when he was singing "Bye, Bye, Bye" and dating Brit Brit that he'd  break out of the boy band box and into to the d**k in a box? We definitely want to be his Motherlover!

A couple of years ago, we had a live JT cougar sighting. There he was, in the lobby of Mandalay Bay! He was wearing jorts, but it didn't matter. He can wear, or even better, NOT wear, whatever he wants. After following him (for just a few, ok, 5 minutes), our eyes wide and our tongues hanging out of our mouths, we dragged our "of age" (and just as handsome- wink, wink) men to the ticket counter to see if we could score tickets to his concert that night. Fortunately for our guys, but unfortunately for us, only the cheap seats were left. So we opted to savor our in-person sighting because there aint nothin' cheap about our JT.

So, ladies, we say, reach within and unleash the coug! Let out your inner ROAR.  Or in our case, a DOUBLE ROAR!

xoxo Liz & Lisa

Don Julio made me do it by Liz

Don Julio made me do it!

I just returned from a fabulous Mexican vacation sans kids and I have to tell ya, it was much needed break from the daily grind.  Between the spotty cell service and low Mexicano wi-fi signal, I was detached from the world whether I liked it or not!

Well, almost detached from the world...if you don't count the fact that it was a company-sponsored awards trip so over a hundred of my colleagues were also in attendance.  Lisa and I generally have a policy not to talk about our "day jobs" on this blog but I'm going to make an exception this one time since, well, I just need to tell someone about the hot torrid affair I had while there.

His name was Don Julio. *cough* Actually, his full name is Don Julio Tequila Reposado.  And with all due respect to my husband, Don Julio is the smoothest thing I've had slide down my throat in a really long time.

We met Don Julio the first night at the welcome reception and, at first, I was hesitant to embrace what he had to offer.  I had been burned by his cousin Jose(Cuervo, that is) and even by their rich uncle Patron.  In fact, I thought I had sworn off their family forever after a tequila-induced lap dance contest that went horribly wrong the last time I was in Mexico.  In fact, that's probably the reason I had waited ten years to come back!

But Don Julio was different.  He really helped me get over the awkwardness of going from PowerPoint presentations and buttoned-up suits at sales meetings to belly-button rings and bikinis at the pool.  And like any new relationship, I couldn't wait to get to the bar to see what he was up to. Don Julio could do no wrong as far as I was concerned and the two of us became the life of the party!

And much to my husband's chagrin,  I talked about my love for him to anyone that would listen.

Have a hangover?  Don Julio insists he can make you feel better again!

Having trouble getting your buzz on for Cabo Wabo?  A little kiss from Don Julio and you'll be climbing the catwalk!

Nervous about networking?  Don Julio has a three-point strategy for you that includes salt, lime and a whistle.

Donnie J(that was my nickname for him) and I went everywhere together.  And I had talked him up so much to others that they became interested in meeting him too.  But like any hot and heavy relationship, we were destined to burn ourselves out.  And after a night at Cabo Wabo that included catwalk cougar dances and a near run-in with the Federales , Don Julio and I called it quits.  I just couldn't be with someone who made me feel so bad the morning after.  Someone who dehydrated me and ruined my anti-stress massage because I was too dizzy to lie flat on my stomach.

And it hurt when I saw Don Julio move on so quickly, like I was was just another notch in his hand-embroidered belt. I couldn't even look him in the eye as I watched my former flame hook up with other girls on our last night there.  I shook my head and tried to warn them that even though Donnie J had given them to courage to dirty dance with their boss's boss's boss, they would regret it in the morning.  But like me, they needed to learn their lesson the hard way.  And when I saw those same girls boarding the airport shuttle the next day holding their heads in shame and looking like ass on a stick, I gave them a quiet nod to show that I understood.  We had all been burned by the same man.

Don Julio.

And in an effort to circumvent any corporate backlash that may come from my antics, I have assembled a Don Julio made me do it list just in case...

It wasn't my fault!  Don Julio made me:

*Climb up a questionable ladder to a catwalk at Cabo Wabo and scream at the twenty-something cuties in the band like a Cougar in heat.

* Do my best impersonation of a top twenty finalist on "So You Think You Can Dance" on above-mentioned catwalk and then proceed to ask everyone if they had my ticket to "Vegas".

*Ask the man walking around with tequila shots and a whistle to show us what he had under his Poncho. (And trust me, you don't want to know...)

* Made the ultimate vacation fashion faux pas by wearing a straw cowboy hat even though I clearly knew better.

*Danced to Bon Jovi with a man dressed like a sweaty pirate for ten minutes before realizing it was actually my counterpart at work.

xoxo

Liz

Confessions of a Third Wheel By Lisa

I think the third wheel gets a bad rap.

And I would know, considering I've been a willing wheel for many years...

The third wheel has a negative connotation--conjuring up images of that tag along kid who followed you around on the playground. Or the girl your mom coerced you into inviting to your slumber party. And the roommate who regularly crashed your movie night on the couch with your boyfriend. (You know who you are!)

But not all third wheels are unwelcome guests. Some, like me, are invited--even bribed or begged into attending an event with the other two. (More on that in a minute but it starts with--MARE-UH-THON!)

The Tricycle

I've been a member of the tricycle as Liz, her husband Mike, and I refer to our arrangement, for at least a decade. (Maybe I'll get a special pin soon? In the spirit of "wings" for flying, I'll get a wheel?)

We first officially took the tricycle out for a spin for our 10th high school reunion. Liz and Mike had just gotten married and I had, well, just gotten dumped. On the way down we chatted, who had the bigger news?  Liz and Mike?

A wedding! A honeymoon! A new house!

Or me?

Depression diagnosis! A new bottle of Prozac! A singles support group!

As we tricycled to see our Vista High School classmates (go Panthers!), I remember feeling relieved that at least I wouldn't be walking in alone. For a few minutes, I could deflect questions about myself because I'd be standing with Liz and Mike as they discussed their new marriage. Maybe I could even grab a glass of wine before I began answering questions about why I was still single.

I never imagined that, instead of my life or even Liz's post high school life, it would be MIKE at center stage--fielding questions--about his height!? Had he ever played professional basketball? Were all of his friends tall? How did he get soo tall?  I mean he's definitely tall (6'6"), but he's not the Jolly Green Giant or anything!

But I'd still like to take this time to give Mike front wheel Fenton a special shout out for literally overshadowing me!

The Duallie

Recently, Liz asked me if I wanted to go to San Diego to watch her brother-in-law run in a marathon. And then, suddenly, the pitch of her voice got higher as she tried to sell me on the experience. And I knew something was up.

The energy is amazing! It's inspirational! And, um, maybe you can also help me watch the kids when Mike's off with his brother.

Bingo! Energy smenergy. She wanted this wheel to babysit!

I agreed, because, well Auntie Lisa does love Liz's kids and the fact that her two-and-a-half-year-old son, Shane, points to blonde models in magazines and thinks they're me doesn't hurt either. So, I showed up at 8:00 a.m. only to be relegated to the back of the minivan like a dog or the annoying aunt that no one wants to talk to. In all fairness, I was asked if I was okay. I simply replied,

Need. Air. Back. Here.

I asked Liz and Mike what we should call ourselves now that we were traveling with two children? When our friend La Sundra would join us, we'd refer to ourselves as  The Quad. But now, with five, what were we? We decided on duallie.

The Marathon was the next day. So that night, we stayed over at Liz's mom's house. It was then that I was told we'd be LEAVING for the run at 6:00 a.m.

At 5:59 on the nose, relegated yet again to the back of the minivan, I was politely asked how I was back there. I simply replied,

Need. Starbucks. Now.

On the way to the race, I listened as Liz and Mike chatted about how comfortable their bed had been the night before. I had to chime in. I yelled up to the front seat over Liz's four-year-old daughter, Riley, belting out Natasha Betingfeld's Soulmate. (Unbelievably cute, BTW!)

Oh really?  Was it now? Well, I think I can one up you. My COT in the dining room was freakin' fantastic! Wouldn't have traded with either of you if you paid me!

*Awkward silence*

Okay, so I'll admit that the Marathon did turn out to be lots of energy and excitement, just like Liz promised. Her BIL did awesome (although I stand by my convenient theory that it just cannot be necessary to run 26 whole miles) and it was fun to watch all the "Elvises" run by (it was the Rock N Roll marathon, after all).

And in the interest of full disclosure--since I've kind of thrown Liz & Mike under the bus (how many wheels is that?), I should reveal that Liz has been on the other wheel of a tricycle too...and maybe she wasn't exactly treated like a queen either.  She three wheeled it with Matt and me to the Midwest book signings. And we just might have made her sleep in Matt's 6-year-old son's twin bed. :)

xoxo, Lisa

I'm in the mood...to read By Liz & Lisa

We’ve been trading books since high school. Back then, we'd exchange juicy Danielle Steel novels like Secrets, Changes and The Promise. Even back in the day, we loved a happy ending.  And if there were some steamy sex scenes on the way to that happy ending?  Even better! But even now that we've traded in our shoulder pads and skorts for underwire bras and Spanks, we still love to swap a good read. Well, most of the time, anyway...

Let’s just say sometimes one of us is in the mood for a darker and intense memoir (*cough* Lisa) and the other would rather just stay in her happy place (*cough* Liz). Or someone (Liz!) might BONE OUT over the entire Twilight series and the other (Lisa!) might, well, still be stuck back on New Moon. (Note to Twilight fans: before you unleash your inner vampire, she hasn't given up on Edward and Bella just yet!)

We think book choices boil down to how you’re feeling when you're ready to pop open that novel. So, whether you’re PMS-ing, feeling fat and depressed; or you’re perfectly caffeinated, having a great hair day and happy as a freakin’ clam (without the help of a little xany!), there’s always a book that fits your mood.

So, in honor of National Give a Girlfriend a Book Day, here are the books we’d give our moody girlfriends.

THE "STUCK IN A RUT " FRIEND

Candy Girl by Diablo Cody

This memoir about Diablo Cody’s year as a stripper will inspire any Bored Betty out there to try something new and exciting. It probably won't send your girlfriend out to get naked for money (although Diablo's “adventures” sure made for a freakin’ good story) but maybe she'll at least finally give skydiving a try?

Diablo Cody's writing is smart and funny; her way of describing a scene so you feel you’re right there in the strip club is incredible; and her ability to tell the story without judging an industry that the majority considers to be seedy and lowbrow is, well, cool.  So if you need to ignite a little spark in your life, read this book! And follow her on Twitter, she's hilarious! @diablocody

THE "BURNING THE CANDLE AT BOTH ENDS" FRIEND

The Manny by Holly Peterson

If you want to turn your brain off, forget about your problems and escape into the fun lives of women looking for love and happiness, we say Chick Lit is the way to go, yo! And if we had to pick just one (and not the one we wrote :) ) we'd give The Manny to any friend stressed out of her mind.

It's a breezy read about an overworked NYC mom who decided to hire herself a Manny to help her out with the daily demands of trying to be the perfect mom, wife and corporate climber all at the same time. Oh, and did we mention that her Manny is one yummy piece of eye candy?  Uh-oh.

Overworked and underappreciated wife + Hot Manny= BIG TROUBLE!

No wonder Liz's husband said N-O  when she begged him for a Manny of her own after reading this.  He knows better!

Click here to become a Facebook fan of Holly Peterson.

THE "EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER" FRIEND

The Divorce Party by Laura Dave

If you're up, down and all over the place, we say any book by Laura Dave will bring you back to center. So to our emotional friend, we'd recommend her latest, The Divorce Party. This is a dual-narrative told by two women who both ride an emotional rollercoaster as one of them faces her upcoming wedding and the other faces her upcoming divorce.  But like any strong women, they navigate their way through it. It's a great story (who knew about these divorce parties that go on?!) that will remind you that no matter how crazy and overwhelmed you feel, you can always come out on top. www.lauradave.com

THE "ROBOT AKA EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE" FRIEND

Firefly Lane by Kristin Hannah

Wrap this one up for your favorite robot and watch the tears flow! Seriously, Liz hasn't cried that much since her daughter spilled grape juice all over her brand-new white Juicy Couture sundress!

It's a wonderfully engaging story about lifelong friendship. (Gee, I wonder why we related to it so much?)  Firefly Lane follows two women from adolescence to adulthood and touches on what it truly means to be a friend. It will make you laugh, it will make you cry.(Liz!) And it will make you call your mom and best friend the minute you're done reading to tell them how much they mean to you.

www.kristinhannah.com

THE "PITY PARTY" FRIEND

Happens Every Day By Isabel Gillies

Even though this memoir is about the sad and unexpected end of Isabel Gillies' first marriage, it's a beautifully written example of how even when things seem completely hopeless; when the rug is pulled out from under you; you do have the power to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and freakin' get through it! (If she can survive serving her husband and his mistress a dinner over candle light, you can find your inner muscle man too!)

Isabel Gillies brilliantly writes the story of getting through a devastating time in her life with the help of her friends and  family; all while doing everything she can to protect her two small children. If we had a friend who was feeling down about her life, we'd give her this book. Because, it reminds you that, in the end, everything will work out--if you believe that it will.

www.isabelgillies.com

So buy your friend a book today! While you're at it, we'll shamelessly suggest you throw this one in your cart www.amazon.com ;) It's a good call for the "Need to freakin' LOL" friend.

Xoxo,

Liz & Lisa

The (inanimate) object of my affection By Liz & Lisa

Have you ever loved something so much that you just wanted to bone out on it? To be clear, we're not talkin' about your main squeeze or your crush on Edward Cullen. We're referring to the way you feel about your sexy new knee-high boots; that perfect pair of jeans that makes your ass look amazing; or even that tiny new purse that barely holds your keys and cell phone. So this goes out to all of you that crushed on your first car or mourned the loss of your favorite pair of shoes...You are not alone!

Lisa's inanimate lovers

Marty Mazda

When Bob Steinke told me I could get a brand new Honda Civic hatchback after I graduated from high school, I was ecstatic! I daydreamed about driving my red, shiny, compact car; windows down--my long, blonde hair blowing in the wind; listening to my Timmy T tape at full volume. *cue apropos car braking screeching sound*

NOT.

Bob Steinke had (has) a way of forgetting really important conversations. Like when he said I could wear a strapless dress to my junior prom. Or when he told me I could date the guy with all the tattoos. So, long story short, instead of a new car, I ended up in some guy's driveway-- from an ad we answered in the Penny Saver-- staring at my future "wheels"-- a light blue, Mazda 323.

Marty Mazda. I named the car Marty because, well, it just wasn't clear if he was a boy or a girl. (Even when you looked under the hood *wink* *wink*.)

Marty turned out to be more than just a car.  He-she never got mad when someone puked jungle juice all over the back seat.  He-she never seemed to mind all the empty Carl's Jr. bags strewn across the floor. And He-she never complained about my music choices! Not so much as a sputter when He-she had to suffer through Bryan Adams, when I put Jesus Jones on replay or even when I blasted Marky Mark & the Funky Bunch's "Good Vibrations". (Now if that's not loyalty, I don't know what is!)

So, I ended up crushing on Marty. He-she was like that guy you don't notice at first. But after a while, you start to look at him differently. And then suddenly, your heart starts to race when you see him! Well that's what happened with my underdog car... that I could gun up to 105 MPH and actually give Liz's brand new Acura Integra a real run for its money when we raced. (Sorry moms!) And I loved Marty Mazda faithfully until the day I was able to afford a brand new car. A 1995, four door, RED, Honda civic. Her name was Rhonda Honda... but she was no Marty Mazda.

Mac Macbook

You know what they say...once you go Mac, you never go back! And once I saw my new Mac's "hard drive" I knew I'd made the right decision.

But our love was tested very early in our relationship when Mac got very sick and had to go to the Apple hospital. I was told he might completely lose his memory and I shuddered at the thought that he'd forget the Imovies we made together and our shared obsession with Youtube videos. (D**k in a box just never got old for us!)

But while Mac was away, I still had to play. And so I cheated on him...with Sony Vaio!

And every time I typed away on Sony Vaios keys, I felt dirty and ashamed. Especially because he wasn't half the computer Mac was. Sony Vaio was argumentative and stubborn. Downloading attachments took forever!  He was making my life a living hell. But he was all I had and he knew it.

When Mac came home seven days later,(memory intact, thank God!) I had no choice but to tell him the truth about my sordid business with Vaio.

But being the perfect man he is, he forgave me. *hugs Mac*

Liz's intimate lovers

CHI the flat iron

My tresses and I have always had somewhat of a tumultuous relationship. On any given day, it can either be sweet and sassy or moody and unruly. A cold front or lingering cloud cover could turn me into a Frizzy Lizzy faster than you could say Bon Jovi .  And considering the fact that the only hair-straightening option back in the day was to literally IRON it, I just learned to embrace my thick and frizzy mane.

Lucky for me, "looking like you just stuck your finger in a light socket" hair was all the rage for most of the 80s and early 90s! (Thank you SJP and Kelly LeBrock!) But by 1996, there was no escaping the fact that curly hair was on the way OUT.  Big-haired celebrities were being replaced by the perfectly-coiffed likes of Jennifer Aniston and Reese Witherspoon.

And so began my quest for hair that I could run my hand through without getting stuck. First came the round brush.  My hairdresser could get it perfectly straight with this seemingly magical instrument, why couldn't I?  Then I tried hot rollers, even though it seemed counterproductive to put rollers in my hair to make it straight.  But neither of these things were able to give me the thing I desired most: smooth, silky hair.

But then I found her.  Hiding in the back of my local beauty supply, she was the solution I had been searching for. Her name was Chi and it was love at first site.

Finally!  With Chi, I was able to burn my curly hair into submission in mere minutes!  Gone were the days of frizz and frustration.  I was a new woman!  No longer did I envy my straight-haired counterparts with their perfect ponytails and Rachel haircuts. Chi had given me a new spring in my step and I loved her for it.

Chi and I went everywhere together.  Business trip? Chi gave me the confidence I needed for my big presentation.  Vegas? Chi made sure I could hold my own at Hard Rock.  In the dumps? Chi knew that having stick-straight strands would bring a smile to my face.

And to this day, I still have mad love for Chi.  And although I must admit that I've had to trade her in a few times, (So sorry about all those times I dropped ya, girl!  I never meant to hurt you!) she will always be my starter iron.

And you know what they say, you never forget your first...

"Stu" my first pair of Stuart Weitzman heels

Lisa bestowed Stu upon me after she decided I would enjoy him more than her.  And boy, did I ever!  For the next two years, Stu and I were inseparable.  I wore him to work.  I wore him with  jeans.  I even threw up on him when I was pregnant!  But Stu didn't mind.  He was just that kind of shoe.

And in return, I pampered him endlessly.  I made multiple trips to the shoe repair shop to make sure Stu stayed in great shape.  I was still struggling to lose some extra prego pounds and I wanted to make sure Stu didn't start looking shitty too.

But then something terrible happened.  Stu and I fell down a flight stairs in a parking structure and I was the only one to make it out alive.  I'm not sure what hurt more, the ginormous gash on my leg, the fact that I couldn't walk or the site of Stu laying on the ground, broken in half.  I was heartbroken.

That night, I placed him in his shoebox for the last time and limped over to the trashcan to say my goodbyes.  And although there have been others since, there will never be another Stu.

RIP Stu 2005-2007

xoxo Liz and Lisa

My Sweet Tweet

My name is Liz, and I'm a Tweetaholic. Yes, you heard that right.  I know, I was completely bitter with Twitter a mere three months ago but have recently crossed to the dark side.  I finally understand what that damn Jimmy Fallon was making all the fuss about.

It all started when I went to see my psychic. We were in the middle of dishing all the dirt on my near future when she stopped abruptly.

"Hmmm..." she said, scratching her head. "Something just came to me."

"What!  What is it!" My heart started to pound.  "Am I going to win the lottery?"

"No," she said, looking at me oddly. "What the hell is Twitter?"

"Twitter?" I questioned.  And inside I was thinking, really?  I'm paying $60 an hour and we're going to talk about f*cking tweets?   "It's not important," I said.  "It's just some lame ass social networking site!"

"Really?  Because I'm being told that Twitter will be very important in your journey.  Do you tweet?"

"What! Are you sure my angels aren't referring to Facebook? I like that much better."

"Nope!" she reaffirmed. "Definitely Twitter!"

Damn, Twitter has gotten so big that they even have the afterlife promoting it?  Crazy!  I really need to get the name of their PR agency.

But my psychic has never been wrong before so I went home and dusted off my Tweetdeck.   It was a bit rocky at first, I just couldn't get into my tweet groove.  But after a while, something odd began to happen...I began to...LOVE it!

And for my tweeps who are still hatin', I get it.  At first it seems so...pointless.  I questioned whether my followers really wanted to hear about my Starbucks addiction or my love for Nick Lachey. So I would sit, fingers poised at my keyboard, staring aimlessly at my Tweetdeck.  What interesting nugget could I reveal to my followers that hadn't already been beaten to death on Facebook? And to do it in 140 characters or less? Impossible!

I was suffering from tweet performance anxiety!

But I had big RT(that's retweet for you Twitter virgins) dreams so I let my fingers fly and held my breath as my tweets were heard around the world!(or in at least four mainland states...) I even got a little crazy and participated in Twitter's version of a high five, #Follow Friday.  Our followers were growing by the hour and I became obsessed.  Lisa, who was a once-a-day tweeter at best, had no idea of the love affair Twitter and I were now having.  She would occasionally comment on our spike in followers and I feigned ignorance.  I wanted to keep the tweet love all for myself!

BUT, after one really crazy Follow Friday a few weeks ago, I was outed as the Twitter whore I had become.  Lisa, whose nickname in college was PI Spice, had finally figured out that our followers were not just showing up out of thin air.  So she installed Tweetdeck and my secret tweet life was officially over!  She wanted in on the action too.   And, well, considering the our Twitter handle is Liz and Lisa, I guess I had to oblige.

I could barely go five minutes the next week without a twext(duh, that's a text about Twitter!) from Lisa.

WTF is an RT?

What does # mean?

How do I @ someone and WTF do I say when I do?

Who is Mr. Tweet and why should I give a sh*t about him?

Why are there ten "Horny Kittys" following us?

But after a week of tryin' out her tweets, Lisa was ready for the bigtime. She was ready to tweet live about #Bachelorette!  And let me just say, it's not for amateurs.  Ripe with potential shit talk, you've gotta be sassy to score a RT from this tough crowd.  And to be honest, I wasn't sure if she was up for it.

But lucky for her, there was plenty of dramz to shittweet about on this episode, especially when the Bachelorette went on her one-on-one date with hottie Sascha.

Things seemed to be going well with Sascha and Jillian.  They had hauled ass in a Ferrari and cuddled on the couch with champagne.  It was obvious he thought the rose sitting on the table would be pinned to his lapel by the end of the night.  But after he confessed to her that he had never had his heart broken,(Hello!  commitmentphobe alert!) she sent him on a horrible walk of shame that involved public transportation. It was UGLY!

And before I even I had a chance to add my two cents,  I saw something come across the Tweetdeck that made me LOL.  A real LOL!

#bachelorette You've never had your heart broken, so I'm going to humiliate you and send you off on a bus. ha!

It was RTed almost instantly! Lisa had officially arrived! Welcome Lisa!  This mama bird is happy you finally found your own inner tweet. *wipes a tear of joy from her eye*

Click here to follow Liz and Lisa on Twitter.  Come on, you know you want to!

xoxo Liz