The Amazing (disg)Race by Liz & Lisa

Sunday night, Liz texted Lisa the same message she's sent her every Sunday for the past three years. Dude, we should try out for the Amazing Race! It would be soooo fun!

And Lisa's thumbs couldn't type fast enough as she responded the same way she has every Sunday for the past three years.

F**kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk Nooooooooooooooo!!!

But ...thank you for giving me an idea for a blog post!

Liz says:  Come on, Let's race!

Oh, Amazing Race, How I love thee! And even though my current idea of adventure is staying at a three-star hotel, I think I would love schlepping around the world with nothing but a passport and the three nasty outfits that I shoved into my backpack.  I mean, what better way to lose weight than to run through the streets of Dubai in 130 degree heat?  Nevermind the fact that I usually start sweating the second the barometer breaks 85 and that I consider a trip to the Bahamas an international vacation.

And even though Lisa and I sometimes spend thirty minutes arguing over sentence structure, I'm sure we'll get along famously!  If we survived the bad fashion of the 80's and 90's together, we can surely herd some Japanese tourists and ducks like nobody's business or eat a wasabi bomb in thirty seconds!

While I'm sure Lisa will make a strong case against our Amazing Race union, I'm here to plead my case for an appearance next season.

1. We get to hang out with Phil, who is smokin' hot AND has an accent! I'm sure that we'll look awesome after jogging through the streets of China in our underwear or taking a dip in the crisp, clean waters of Vietnam.  And although I can't leave the house without burning my hair into submission for thirty minutes with a flat iron, I think our new au natural look will be a big hit! Isn't it time for frizzy hair and thick eyebrows to make their well-deserved comeback?

2. Free Publicity for Chick Lit is not Dead Admit it, we could really use the exposure. No publicity is bad publicity, right?  Plus, it's either this or tying a chair to some mylar balloons and sending my five-year up for a ride. And this way I don't have to break any laws or be ridiculed on CNN. Because, admit it, we all know I'll be edited as "the nice one"! Sorry, Lisa.

3. Endless Blog fodder and Facebook status updates My only concern is that many of Lisa's updates would start with Lisa is ready to kill Liz because...

4. What a great workout! There's nothing like springing through foreign countries in extreme weather conditions to get your ass in shape!  Nevermind the fact that we both will become crazy beyotches if we skip lunch or don't drink water every five minutes.  I'm sure it will all work out fine! (And make for great TV if it doesn't...)

Lisa says:  Are you F'ing kidding me?

For the record, I'd like to state that I'm in love with The Amazing Race. One of my favorite pastimes is sitting back and WATCHING the teams of two nearly kill each other as they try to find a one inch snowman in a twenty five foot pile of snow. From the Newly Datings (oh the poor, innocent things) to the We've been engaged for nine years but aren't sure if we should get marrieds (what an iron clad way to strengthen your relationship!) to the requisite We're freakishly hot and SWEAR we don't have sex couples. (Well, if you weren't having it before, running through the streets of New Dehli aint gonna help the mojo!) I love them all! (The angry/violent hearing impaired guy and his freakishly strong mom were my favorite!)

And even though I also heart Liz and think she's incredibly talented and creative, trying out for The Amazing Race is, hands down, one of the worst ideas she's ever had! (Well, if you don't count her recent decision to mix Tequila and Smirnoff this past weekend.) So, here's my case for why our only "Amazing Race" should be meeting our December book deadline.

1. Um, Phil, is it against the rules for me to strap a GPS to my camel? My idea of following a map is inputting an address into my car's navigational system.  I'm quite confident I would have an easier time finding a Starbucks in Bakersfield than I would trying to track the lady in the purple scarf in a busy square in Bangkok. I still have to confirm directions to O'Hare and Liz expects me to try to find a yodeler at the base of the Swiss Alps? WTF?!

2. There's no bottled water in Zimbabwe? Considering my constant dehydration even if the best conditions, I could easily be the first AMAZING RACE contestant to murder her teammate over lack of H2O. So if Liz wants to live to see her 37th birthday, she should probably just continue to lust after her boy Phil from afar.  Maybe stalking him off-season would be easier?

3. Do you think I can pop my enzymes before I eat a cricket in Cairo? Um, Liz knows I can barely consume a perfectly made American hamburger without digestive aids. So the fact that she wants me to consider downing a wasabi bomb with a side of scorpion tail is more than upsetting. Constipation +bloating = distended belly, bad TV and, did I mention bad TV?

4. I don't do alliances! I know my people-pleasing friend, Liz will want to team up with the cute guys or help the requisite hillbillies that can barely read the signs in English. (Let alone Japanese!) And all I can say is Hells to the No's. I'm not sharing my ladle, my internet cafe location or my Gas-X with anyone!

xoxo, Liz & Lisa

Not on my watch beyotch by Liz

I was watching 30 Rock last season when my hero, Liz Lemon, uttered what I was sure would become my new catchphrase. And after laughing so hard I snorted,  I immediately grabbed my journal and wrote these five glorious words: NOT ON MY WATCH, BEYOTCH! I then declared to my husband that I was determined to say it at least five times the next day.  At the time, he just laughed and shook his head, probably just hoping and praying I wouldn't be saying it to him!

So, the next day, I ran out into the world, anxious to find a situation to unleash my new favorite phrase.  Until... I forgot. Like my daily resolve to log all my Weight Watcher points and to say the word "Fudge" rather than "F*ck", it was forgotten faster than you say Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom.

Fast forward to yesterday.  I was perusing my journal, desperately looking for some blog inspiration when I came across this rhyming, cursing, genius phrase I wrote down over four months ago. And I fell in love all over again. Because it just so happens that for me, Rhyming + Cursing= Love.

So I resolved right then and there to use it five times.  And as I set out into the world the next morning, ready to lay the best line EVUH on some unsuspecting clerk/friend/client/teacher, I remembered one important thing:

I am a total, utterly hopeless, people-pleasing ass kisser. Or as my more vulgar friends would say, a total p*ssy.

Hmmm...so what to do?  Well, I'll have you know I did what any self-respecting brown-noser would do.  I thought it in my head and then ran out and wrote it in my journal.

But if I had the balls to actually say it, it would have been AWESOME.  And here's where I would have casually inserted it into conversation...

• What?  You think you can just cut in front of me in the express lane at Target?  With TWELVE items in your basket? NOT ON MY WATCH BEYOTCH!

• Seriously Lisa?  You don't "really care" if we drink at your bachelorette party in January?  You just want to "relax" and "enjoy" everyone's company? NOT ON MY WATCH BEYOTCH!  (MAID OF HONOR EDITION)

• Really Loehmanns?  You won't take back the overpriced Coach wannabe Uggs  that I bought on a whim before I remembered the temperature only drops below 65 degrees one week a year in So Cal? NOT ON MY WATCH BEYOTCH!

• Come on, 22 year old server at Benihana knockoff, you could at least ask for my ID when your sign says you card everyone that looks under forty. So. Not. Cool. And I didn't appreciate your eye roll when I pulled it out anyway! NOT ON MY WATCH BEYOTCH!

Come on, promise you'll use it in conversation tomorrow.  Or better yet, tell us where you wish you had used it! The two best NOT ON MY WATCH BEYOTCH situations will win a signed copy of I'LL HAVE WHO SHE'S HAVING!

xoxo,

Liz

A Tale of Two Brushes By Lisa

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

It was painting time.

What do you get when you combine 3 gallons of paint, six walls and two Type-A fiances?

A near disaster.

In the Stannenfeldt household anyway.

It all started when Matt innocently asked if I wanted to join him on a trip to the man's Tarjay (Lowes). Since I pride myself on my woMANly ways, I happily obliged.  And I'm not sure how it happened exactly (my cart had a mind of its own!) but on the way to the faucets, we somehow found ourselves in the paint aisle, comparing swatches and finishes (satin or eggshell?) and discussing painting our living room and dining room. (Because for those of the Type-A persuasion, one room just wasn't enough.)

And the next thing I knew, our cart was piled high with rollers, brushes, tray liners and drop cloths.

And as we paid for the supplies and paint--one gallon of Dusted Bronze and two gallons of Bees Wax-- I wondered, were we really going to do this?

Weren't we breaking one of the cardinal couple rules?

Never move something together!

Never assemble something together!

And never, under any circumstances, paint together!

As we prepped the rooms, I thought to myself, we can do this. And as I taped the crown molding and looked over at Matt as he covered the furniture, I repeated the same mantra in my head.

I won't be Bossy Betty.

I won't be Bossy Betty.

I won't be Bossy Betty.

Well, let's just say that sometimes, even though you can repeat something over and over in your head, it doesn't always come true.

The good news is, the rooms look amazing---warm and inviting.

But in hindsight, there are a few things I'd do a wee bit differently should there ever be a next time. (You never know, Hell could freeze over!)

1.  Not agree to accompany the hubs to be to Lowes. (Especially with an ulterior motive in mind!)

2.  I'd let someone else use a roller brush--like maybe the 6'2" painter by my side. (Even if I didn't exactly approve of his brush stroke!)

3.  I'd get down off the step ladder long enough to fill my own paint tray. (Even though asking him to do it every time was so much easier!)

4.  I'd remember to get my painter "partner" a cold beverage, like, um, 7 hours sooner!

5.  I wouldn't ask or expect my fiancee to shop for pillows or rugs after 5 hours of painting! (Even though the couches and floors were begging to look as good as the walls!)

6.  I'd learn to love white walls!

xoxo, Lisa (A.K.A. "Bossy Betty")

The Birthday Blunder by Liz

Although many may disagree, I've  kind of always thought of myself as a low-maintenance kind of gal.  Well...except for that whole "have to be punctual or I'll kill you" thing.  Or the fact that if I don't eat every three hours I may rip off your arm and beat you over the head with it.  Oh, and did I mention that I also tend to be a bit High Maintenance on my birthday too?

I'll be the first to admit that it's virtually impossible for the Hubs to find the perfect gift.  And the fact that he has limited shopping skills isn't helping his case at all. (I've always felt that I shop enough for both of us!) But the biggest problem is that if I  want something, well, I usually just go buy it! (Did I mention I have impulse-control issues?)

So after many years of awkward gift opening, I have asked the Hubs, no make that begged him, to STOP buying me gifts.  I mean, how many times can you fake enthusiam for household appliances?

This year, I thought we had the system down.  He buys me nothing, I buy myself something fabulous, we go to dinner without the kids, I get buzzed, eat some free Lava Pie and and we all go home happy.  Right?

Wrong!

Instead, I came home on my birthday to find a red velvet box on the counter with a card.  And I knew from past experience that this could mean only one thing.  He had snuck over to see Kim Po.  Kim Po was our jeweler, and the hubs always went to him in a time of need.  Kim Po could always be counted on for beautiful jewelry and astrological readings.  A great combination!  Where else could you get your diamond ring fixed while finding out if this is the year of the Ox? (Btw, it isn't.)

I went over and grabbed the box off the counter and slowly opened it to reveal a beautiful sapphire pendant and chain. Wow, I thought, how beautiful! I'm sure that most women who weren't SEVERLY ALLERGIC TO METAL would really enjoy wearing this.  I'm sure it would look lovely on my neck for that one hour before I developed a NASTY WELT  where the chain touched my skin.  And I'm sure he wouldn't mind when we went to dinner that night that I was blinded by my SWOLLEN EYES.

*Big sigh*

Oh, Hubs.  I know he meant well. I guess the fact that I haven't worn so much as a watch in the past year has escaped his memory. Or that the entire year before when I went to five doctors trying to figure out why I had crackwhore eyes for three days every time I wore my sassy sparkly MAC eyeshadow. I could just imagine him, panicking a few days before my birthday and running to Kim Po's, his gift-giving safe place.  So yes, part of me understood. But it didn't mean I wasn't pissed!

And maybe, just maybe, I acted a little bratty about it. (Don't judge!  I already told you I was HM about this shit!) But let's just say I found a way to forgive him when he surprised me with a waterfront suite later that night.  And after a few drinks at dinner, we made a pact that he will nevuh, evuh, buy me anything ever again.  And he also agreed to let me share with you his top three birthday blunders...

1. A LANDLINE

It was a phone that plugged into the wall. For our bedroom.   For our first Christmas together after we got married. Need I say more? I made note to never again complain about any household appliance within two months of my birthday or Christmas.

2. A THREE HOUR TOUR

Welcome to your wonderful getaway to...CATALINA!  Now for those of you unfamiliar with this tiny island off the California coast, let me just tell you that it could quite possibly be the most boring place on earth. None of the "motels"(yep, MOTELS!) even have pools. Or spas. Or room service. Has this man not been paying attention for the past ten years?  I am the. Biggest. Travel. Snob. EVUH!

3. GIFT CARDS

Public service announcement: Dudes, Don't ever get your wife gift cards.  Just don't.  And if you do, don't buy the same one for every birthday and Christmas gift for three years.   Your wife may begin to think you lack imagination...

After reading that, it's probably clear why my poor Hubs threw in the towel on a high maintenance birthday beyotch like myself.  And that's okay.  Because he gives me the best gift every single day that doesn't cost a thing...his love, support and respect!  Love you Hubs! xoxo

DVR Drama by Lisa

Before I "shmoved" to Chicago, I lived alone for a really, really, really long time.

Did I mention it was a long time?

Well, when you're the only one under your own roof, you take certain things for granted. Like...

• When you get home at the end of the day, the last half of your cheesecake is exactly where you left it.

• Your clean clothes can sit in piles on your bedroom floor for as. long. as. you. want.

• The DVR records all of YOUR favorite programs WITHOUT FAIL.

Well, let's just say #1 & #2 I can live with but #3, well, that's not negotiable. Because to put it mildly...

Momma needs her f***ing TV!

Back home in Cali, my DVR was a well-oiled machine, like a fine wine--aged to perfection. I'd spent a painstaking amount of time and energy getting it just right. From prioritizing my programs to making sure there was padding at the beginning and end of my favorite shows "just in case" there was a supersized episode-I'd done it all. I never missed a show. Not even a Jersey Housewives reunion. Until...

I cohabitated.

And since I shmoved in with my beloved future hubby, my DVR situation has become

one. hot. mess.

So far, I've missed..

• The season premiere of Brothers & Sisters (Sally Field is like a mother to me!)

• The premiere of Grey's Anatomy (Yeah, I'm one of the six people who still watch!)

• Several episodes of Project Runway! (Life just isn't whole without a weekly trip to Mood!)

The reasons for this DVR dilemma?

• The definition of "important" television is a debate in our house. (I say anything that ends with a cliffhanger. He says anything that ends with ball.)

• Before my time, the most action Matt's DVR had seen was the time it accidentally recorded Wizards of Waverly Place.

• We have a pretty majuh problem that I like to call Saturday, Sunday and Monday Night Football.

So cut to this past Sunday night.

All was right in the world. The kids were in bed, the refrigerator was cleaned out (don't ask!) and I was sitting comfortably on the couch ready to immerse myself in my own, little television world. A world where...

• I see Matt's lips moving, but there is no sound.

• My biggest stress is whether or not it will be an elimination round on the The Amazing Race.

• I have complete control of the remote.

Not so much.

Matt wanted to watch the Chargers game.

And my beloved future hubby's eyes glazed over when I tried to explain why he couldn't just switch over to channel 187. I had two programs recording at the same time! But wanting to be a good wifey-to-be, I dumped Melrose (I only wanted to find out if Ashley was a better actress than lip syncher anyway) so he could watch his ballgame. After, the TV karma gods would be looking out for me and all would be right in the world as I watched my shows, right?

Not so much.

When I turned on The Amazing Race, Instead of Phil Keoghan, I saw Andy Rooney!

WTF?

According to Matt, who very patiently tried to explain this injustice as I cradled my head in my hands, the end of 60 Minutes had recorded so that meant I wouldn't get the entire episode of The Amazing Race!

But how would I know if those professional poker beeyotches made it through?

Matt slowly explained that this could be an ongoing problem because The Amazing Race may never fully record.

What???

Because of the Central Time Zone. Because of football. And because of 60 Minutes. Long story short, football almost always runs late. 60 Minutes must run in its entirety.

No. Matter. What.

Or, as Matt put it, a bunch of blue hairs (and him) would revolt. So, even if I add padding to the end of The Amazing Race, if a football game goes into OT, I could be screwed. And forced to watch the show, the next day or online. Or worse...

in. real. time.

Gag. And screw you Andy Rooney for ruining my life!

But this is all part of saying, I do, right? Learning to be flexible and to deal with new situations. And learning to, er, compromise.

Um, not so much.

Well, at least not for now.

Not when it comes to my precious TV.

So in the meantime, while I come to grips with reality, I'm going to propose my form of a compromise.

A second DVR.

xoxo

25 Things Liz & Lisa want to know about Beth Harbison

We make no secret of the fact we have MAJUH crushes on a few, select, Chick Lit writers! So imagine how starstruck we've been when so many of our absolute fav's have candidly answered our hard-hitting questions in our 25 Things Liz And Lisa Want To Know series! So far, we've learned that Megan Crane once worked as a customer service rep, that Allison Winn Scotch's secret talent is singing and Jennifer Weiner crushes on Sarah Silverman. Emily Giffin revealed that she can't live without Starbucks and Sarah Pekkanen admitted she's done some of her writing at a table at Chuck E  Cheese!

And now we're proud to add another incredibly talented and funny Chick Lit author into the 25 Qs mix! (Anyone who calls Chick Lit the "beaujolais Nouveau of literature" is our kind of gal!)  Most recently, BETH HARBISON absolutely rocked our socks with HOPE IN A JAR. (Lisa devoured it in one day and immediately told Liz to stop everything she was doing and read it too!)  People Magazine called it Chick Lit with heart and soul and we couldn't agree more. Beth's previous books, SHOE ADDICTS ANONYMOUS, SECRETS OF A SHOE ADDICT and her contribution to the collection of short stories, AFTERBIRTH (stories you won't read in PARENTS magazine), are all must-reads too!

We're excited to announce that we have FIVE copies of Beth's latest book, HOPE IN A JAR, to give away! To become the proud owner of this fabulous novel, all you have to do is become a fan of Chicklitisnotdead.com on Facebook and leave a comment about the beauty product you absolutely cannot live without. (Lisa can't leave the house without putting Laura Mercier Secret Concealer on the set of "luggage under her eyes" and Liz isn't human until she slathers Dermalogica Super Rich Repair on her "lizard-like skin!")

So, without further adieu...*Cue drum roll*

Chick Lit is Not Dead presents.... 25 Things Liz and Lisa want to know about Beth Harbison!

1.  Inside my purse, you'll discover: credit cards, Nars Dolce Vita lipstick, one of those little magnifying glasses with a light that I can never find when I need it, gum, a broken MAC compact, a stun gun.

2.  My secret talent is: roller skating

3.  If stranded on an island, the five things I could not live without are: soap, sunscreen, my Kindle, wireless internet, and, I don't know, some sort of boat?

4.  On my nightstand you'll find: water from last night, Lego, a book I haven't read, a People Magazine I'm halfway through, and ear plugs so I don't have to kill my husband for snoring and keeping me up.

5.  When I grew up, I wanted to be: famous!  Like, a famous actress, revered by all.  What happened?!

6.  My worst job: at an office where they didn't appear to need me so there was never anything to do except TRY to look busy, which was nearly impossible -- it was a banner day when someone wanted filing done.

7.  My comfort food: macaroni and cheese with a crispy Ritz top.

8.  The location where I write: my office at home.

9.  Three songs on my IPOD's most played list: Careful (Guster), Viva la Vida (Coldplay), Party in the USA (Miley Cyrus) (don't judge me!)

10. If I was on the cover of US Weekly , my headline would read: Writer Discovers Stun Gun Cure for Husband's Snoring and Restless Legs.

11. The three books that make me think of my childhood: The Little Broomstick by Mary Stewart; Now We Are Six by A.A. Milne; any Trixie Belden book.

12. My favorite Chick Flick: French Kiss or Only You (Robert Downey Jr. one)

13. My favorite Chick Lit book: Twenties Girl, Sophie Kinsella

14. My "must see" TV: Real Housewives of absolutely anywhere; True Blood; The Office

15. My Starbucks order: this time of year it's the Caramel Apple Cider

16. My favorite curse word: Fuck

17. My celebrity man crush: Jon Bon Jovi.  Man, I need a new one.

18. My celebrity girl crush: Paula Deen

19. My writer crush: Quinn Cummings

20. My last meal before execution: Icebox Cake (Nabisco famous chocolate wafers and whipped cream)

21. Three words to summarize my book: Friends, 80's, men

22. It took me ______to write my book: 6-7 months

23. My book's original title: it was always HOPE IN A JAR

24. Right now, I'm working on: ONE TEQUILA SHOT AWAY (from Making a Mix Tape and Driving Past His House)

25. Chick Lit is alive & kicking because: it is the beaujolais Nouveau of literature - fresh, new, always current, meant to intoxicate not to make you think or cry, though sometimes it does all three.

To read even more about the awesome Beth Harbison, head on over to www.bethharbison.com!

xoxo

Study Guide by Liz

Get a colonoscopy. Listen to Miley Cyrus and Britney Spears discuss world politics.

Be a contestant on Survivor.

*rings buzzer* What are "Things Liz would rather do than study?"

DING DING DING DING DING!  YOU ARE CORRECT!

I've never been the "studious" type.  In fact, and I've never really been a "details" type of girl and well, quite frankly, cramming really cramps my style.

So you may find it funny that I pursued a career in an industry where constant learning in essential and testing your knowledge is a common occurence.  But somehow, I always found a way to make it work...Until I had kids.

I had always thought it was a myth that you can't remember shit after having children. Um, yeah. I couldn't have been more wrong.  Since giving birth to mine, I can barely remember where my keys are each day, let alone memorize the statistical analysis of seven clinical trials.  In fact, I spent twenty minutes frantically searching for my bluetooth last week, only to find it...on my ear. And the only thing I seem to be able to remember these day is who won last week's elimination challenge on Top Chef and the plotline for Grey's Anatomy.

Not to mention the fact that all this haphazard studying makes me feel like I've boarded a time machine and traveled to...1994. Like I'm pulling an all-nighter in the Cal Poly library so I can flirt with that cute boy from Communication 101 (Because really, is there any other reason to pull an all-nighter?) and attempting in vain to figure out how the f*ck to work the Lexis Nexis. Yeah, you heard me right, Lexis Nexis.  I've just officially  admitted that I attended college before internet was available.  Back then, we were so looking forward to seeing what that "Information Superhighway" was all about.  And the only way to research a paper was to actually open a book. *insert dinosaur jokes here*

Back then, my biggest worry was what I would wear to that night's sorority mixer or what drink wouldn't make me throw up on the way home in Marty Mazda .  So, because  I just can't  get Whatta Man by Salt N Pepa out of my head, I've decided to take a break from memorizing P values and take a leisurely stroll down memory lane...Care to join me?

LIZ'S MUST LIST...FROM 1994

1. Brown-braided belt with polo shirt with penny loafers

Why Lisa and I felt the need to deny any and all sex appeal in order to channel our inner-male with this ensemble will always baffle me.  And I think we actually put a penny in our loafers.  Gag!  To this day, I still can't shake my aversion for collared shirts.  NEVUH AGAIN, I SAY!

2. The soundtrack to The Bodyguard

I don't want to call anyone out(Lisa) but someone(Lisa) REALLY liked this soundtrack.  And that someone would sing it very loudly, as if they were channeling Whitney Houston herself.  ALOT.  Okay, okay, maybe I sang with her.  Sometimes.

3.  Gas for $1.09 and homes for $119,000

Do you think they'll let me fill up my time machine before I head home?  Or just stay and make an offer on that place I've had my eye on?  Because I'd be willing to tolerate scrunchies and the rise of the Spice Girls again if it meant I could have affordable housing!

4. Bobby McGee's

If you needed to find me on any given Thursday, Friday or Saturday, I'd be here in my shortest skort doing the poor-man's electric slide or shaking my ass to the Macarena.  And I used to wonder why I was single?

5.  The "Rachel" haircut

Oh, how I wanted this haircut.  In fact, "The Rachel" is the whole reason I got off my ass and learned how to straighten my hair.  Because although the 80's were kind to those of us who were follically challenged, the nineties had no such patience. Unfortunately, I never did quite perfect my "Rachel", prompting others to refer to it as the "Rochelle", her slightly frizzy second cousin.

What was your Must List in the nineties?

xoxo, Liz

Defending my "shmove" By Lisa

I was checking out at my new Tarjay the other day when the salesgirl asked for my ID. (Woo hoo! *Does cheerleading kicks and hurdles inside her head*) But as great as that feeling was, that's unfortunately not my story. (I must also begrudgingly note that after doing ridonculous mental cheerleading routine, I spotted a sign that read: Card anyone who looks under the age of FORTY). But I digress.

My story actually goes a little something like this:

Me: With overly excited expression plastered on face, hands salesgirl ID. Tries to calculate just how young she might think I am. Simultaneously decides that I need to get a f***ing life.

Salesgirl: Looks at driver's license and face lights up. "California? Oh! You must be VIS-I-TING!"

Me: Looks past salesgirl out the window at the dark, ominous sky and reluctantly sets the record straight. "Um, no."

Salesgirl: Not skipping a beat as she bags the red wine and the bulk toilet paper."Well, then what are you doing here?"

Me: Rubs thumb gingerly over the word California as places ID back in wallet. "I just moved here."

Salesgirl: (Insert confused expression- think Forrest Gump meets George W.) "Why?"

And that's the million dollar question I'm asked more than any other.  Some of my favorite variations are:

"You did WHAAAAT?"

"Um, don't you think you went the WRONG direction?"

"Did you miss a turn somewhere?"

"What bet did you lose?"

But most commonly, It all boils down to that one-syllable, unmistakable word.

WHY?

Well, after fifty-one days, 18 hours and 22 minutes, (but who's counting?) my "shmove" has ever-so-slowly become more of a "move" and threatened to catapult me to an official resident of The Land of Lincoln. And therefore, I suppose I must explain. So, without further adieu, here are my reasons why:

#1 Life-long desire to give up boring, routine 72 degree weather.

#2 Long walks on the beach really are so cliche'!

#3 I was getting really tired of having all those championship sports teams around me!

#4 Celebrity sightings at your regular coffee shop can be such a distraction to your daily routine!

#5 Flying four hours to get to Vegas is AWESOME!

#6 Off! mosquito repellent has new, fantastic scents! Who needs Burberry Brit when you can wear Tropical Breeze!

#7 When you wish as hard as I did for a MAN IN MY BED, when you finally get him, you'll damn near follow him anywhere!

xoxo, Lisa

Say Cheese! by Liz

I'm a big fan of America's Next Top Model.  Every week, I try to tune that narcissist Tyra out so I can enjoy all the highs, lows and cattiness in between that ANTM has to offer. And even though I rarely take a picture that my eyes aren't closed in, a little part of me looks down on those crazy beyotches each week when they just can't seem to get their schmize on. (For you non-ANTM lovers, that's when you smile with your eyes.  Tyra's obsessed with it!)

So when our publicist finally leveled with us that using a photo that Lisa's fiancee took in Vegas (after three hours at the Blackjack tables!) wasn't going to cut it anymore, we decided to bite the bullet and get some professional shots taken. And even though I've always been photogenically challenged, I still held out hope that this photo shoot would somehow magically eliminate my double-chin or give me my own power-schmize.

Because (photo-shopping) miracles can happen, right?

Um, Wrong.

Lisa and I arrived to the studio, dressed in our bookish best with high hopes.  We tried to brush aside the fact that we were bound to girlfight over our same "good side" and that in over twenty years we've taken exactly three decent photos together. (and those were all snapped after a cocktail!)  And yes, while I will admit that, in the end, we did end up with five that we both liked, I'm here to discuss with you the other 150 pictures that, God-willing, will never see the light of day!

You see, you learn a lot about yourself when your picture is tossed up on a 30 foot screen to be dissected.  And I'd like to share those lessons with you so you too can can ace your next photo shoot. (If you're foolish enough to participate in one!)

DON'T PULL A LURCH

My mother has always to told me to sit up straight. But it wasn't until three weeks ago that I understood why she was barking at me about it so much.  This slouch gave Deenie (sorry, abstract Judy Blume reference) a run for her money!  I seemed to gain fifteen pounds and age my boobs twenty years with each inch I slumped!

HEAD TILTS AREN'T CUTE FOR ANYONE OVER 8 YEARS OLD

I've been tilting my ass off for years.  In fact, some might say it's one of my signature moves.  (I'm surprised my neck never got a cramp at Bobby McGees's back in the day!) And until I saw it on film, I always had though of it as endearing.  So either I've always looked like a complete jackass or my tilt has gotten more severe in my thirties.  Because. It. Was. Out. Of. Control.

WHO KNEW THAT THERE IS A FINE LINE BETWEEN BOOKISH AND SOCCER MOM?

Lisa and I arrived at the studio in our librarian best after deciding on a "bookish" look. It was time for us to be taken seriously!  And while Lisa seemed to achieve this look with ease, my new soccer-momish do' made it impossible for me to look like anything other then,well, a soccer mom headed to the Fall bake sale.  The lesson here: When in doubt, show more boobie!

IF YOU BARELY TURN ON YOUR CANON POWER SHOT, YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BE A BOSSY BITCH AT YOUR PHOTO SHOOT!

It's a proven fact that Lisa and I can be bossy.  Even when we don't know what the f*ck we are talking about.  So we rolled in and proceeded to tell our kind and patient photographer what our good sides were, (we were wrong) what pose would work best, (wrong again!) and what our strengths and weaknesses were in front of the camera. (Completely. Totally. Wrong.)

But, each time, she indulged us.  But I didn't miss the small smile on her face when we gasped as Lisa's "Flat Stanley" appeared on the giant screen.  Or when my nose seemed to double in size on what I had insisted was "the ONLY side" I could take pictures on.

So we probably deserved it when we jokingly asked if we were "the least photogenic people she had ever photographed" and she actually pondered on it and paused for a moment before answering, "Um, no?"

So this post is for you, Lana.  Thank you for saving these two bossy bitches from themselves! xoxo

When you know you know By Lisa

One store. One hour. One majuh love affair.

In a nutshell, I found my perfect wedding dress in less time than it takes Heidi Klum to say Auf Wiedersehen.

WTF?

As I handed over my credit card, (and tried not to think about the price tag- O.M.G!), I wondered, was it supposed to be this easy? Wasn't I meant to try on dress after dress after dress, always wondering if a better one could be around the corner?

I called Liz to tell her I'd found the dress of my dreams at my first appointment on my first day of shopping and asked her if she thought that was that okay. She didn't skip a beat. "Lisa, you worked your f***ing ass off to find the perfect man. You shouldn't have to work that f***ing hard for your dress too."

And she was abso-f***ing-lutely right.

The search for your dress is exactly like the search for your husband. When you know, you know. So why keep looking when you've already found him? Or why stop looking when you know in your heart you haven't?

I could win some sort of contest for spending years trying on more than my fair share of ill-fitting, uncomfortable, "one-off"  men. They weren't a fit, but I kept them in my wardrobe anyway. Eventually, I would realize most of them were like skinny jeans-- a really bad decision.

Until I found Matt-- who is like my favorite, most comfortable jeans. He is the perfect fit. (I know, I know... gag me with some harp strings!)

And now I have the perfect dress to marry him in...

Marilyn was dress number two and yes, she's so amazing she has a name.

When Jane, the, um, actual DESIGNER, brought Marilyn into the dressing room, I had a gut feeling that she was the one.  Then I stepped in, pulled the dress up around me and looked in the mirror.

It. Was. Love.

Marilyn is a show stopper. Marilyn is the really good kind of drama. Marilyn will make your mother cry and your groom thank his lucky stars he found you. Marilyn knows how to command a room. And, well, she's just pretty damn unforgettable.  Marilyn is so awesome she makes you forget how much money you paid for her.

But then I met Cate.

Cate is another gorgeous dress. She's amazing. She's beautiful and the really good kind of subtle. She knows how to work a room and charm you. She'll also make your mother cry (but face it-even a potato sack could probably do that) and your groom might just cry too!

And for a few minutes, I was torn. There was something about Cate that I really, really loved. I felt romantic and light and the good kind of bride-y.

But in the end, I chose Marilyn for the same reason I chose my fiancee. When you know, you know.

Oh, and because, as Rachel Zoe would say, Marilyn is BANANAS!

Tell us YOUR wedding dress story!  How did you find "The One"?

xoxo, Lisa

Are you a Facebook Voyeur? By Liz

I ran into an old friend the other day at Starbucks. (Where else?)  I hadn't seen him in forever and was dying to know if he had stuck it out with his latest girlfriend or went back to serial dating. (Three words: Majuh. Commitment. Phobe.) But before I could get my scoop, he started asking about my very recent trip to Hawaii and my daughters's first day of school.

What?

Um, is this guy stalking me or something?  I mean, I was rockin' my new do'... but although it was short and sassy, it wasn't exactly stalker-worthy!

I was perplexed. But then, as he began to pellet me with questions about resorts, booze cruises and luaus, it came to me.

He was a Facebook voyeur! A social network Peeping Tom!

Now, let me just say for the record, that some of my favorite people are FB voyeurs.  They spend just as much time perusing status updates and profiles as you and I, they just don't feel the need to participate. Like me, you might even forget they are even ON Facebook until they reveal themselves the next time you see them by asking you about the caffeine or your Bachelorette addiction.  That's when you know you've got a Lookey Loo on you hands.

Fascinated by these Facebook rebels, I rang up some of my friends who fall in this category.  I just had to know why they won't even list what year they were born or give some of my sassy statuses a thumbs up. (It's just ONE click! Help a sista out here!)  I needed to see why all their wall posts go unanswered and all their fan page invitations are declined. Um, especially THIS ONE!

So now I'm ready to break it down for you.  To tell you why your second cousin never poked you back or why you'll never see pictures of their kids until you finally suck it up and attend that family reunion next summer.

THE MULTI- TASKER

Always on the run, the multi-tasker prefers to get their "booking" done via iPhone or Blackberry.  She really does want to know what you are making for dinner or how your son's soccer practice went, but actually commenting on it is a whole other story.  Basically this is the social network version of It's not you, it's me".

THE HIGH-BROWER

The High-Brower finally buckled under all the peer pressure and joined FB but wants you to know she's still too good for it.  That's why you'll never hear about her tropical vacation or find out whether she's planning on watching the new Melrose Place.  And the fact that she's traded Hemingway for Yoville?   She's planning on keeping it her dirty little secret.

THE "PRIVACY PLEASE" FRIEND

Unlike attention whores like myself, she's content with keeping her networks, political views and Farmville scores a secret. But I find myself  wondering which five cities she's lived in and what her Saved By The Bell quiz results were. (Lisa Turtle, in case you were wondering...) And btw, this is also the same person who has 25 friends because she only wants to "friend" people she's actually "friends" with. Um, I didn't even know that was an option. What a concept!

THE FUGITIVE

Why are you on Facebook if you are trying to HIDE? I can understand an occasional block of a crazy ex-boyfriend or that over-zealous PTA mom, but to lurk around in cyberspace while no one can see you is creepy.  And was high school so bad you won't even put your graduating year?  Come on! Even I got over my huge hair and penchant for spandex pants. Show yourself already!

Xoxo, Liz

When you say "I do" what are you agreeing to? By Lisa

During our Labor Day weekend at a friend's lake house, Matt and I decided to go for a ride on a waverunner. But when we both tried to sit in the driver's seat, I looked at him and said with a deliberate air of authority, "I need to drive. I want to be in control of how fast we go."

And then Matt said, "Well, you're going to have to give up some control, Lisa. That's what marriage is."

I looked down at the sparkly engagement ring that he'd slid on my finger only days before (BTW--I was wearing it in the lake--was I supposed to take it off?) and I wondered, when I said yes, just how much control did I really agree to give up?

Up until my "shmove" to the Chicago 'burbs six weeks ago, I lived alone for SEVEN years. The only chance of a roommate was when I ordered (but later cancelled) a Toyger cat in a moment of desperation. To think I actually thought FIB (fur in bed) could actually replace the lack of MIB (man in bed)! And during all that time living with me, myself and I, I was in control of everything.

Matt proposed last Tuesday night and it was the happiest one minute and thirty eight seconds of my life! (According to the time stamp on Liz's Flip video cam.) But when I said yes, was I agreeing to let him do things like drive the waverunner?

I ended up agreeing it was okay to relinquish control and let him take the lead on the lake that day.

But as I sit here tonight, looking ahead at my exciting life, I need to level with myself ...and my future hubby---that there are a few things that this LA girl just can't give up control over:

1.  THE REMOTE

I'm sorry honey, but reality TV will dominate. I don't expect you to understand why Rachel Zoe and Tim Gunn are so important to me. I just Thank God my favorite shows aren't on at the same time as college football or this relationship might never work.

2. THE MENU

Move over beef-stroganoff-in-a-can and sloppy joe mix (had no idea that still existed!) there are some foods that don't contain 1,000 milligrams of sodium per serving in town. And some mornings, even though I still see a flicker of sadness in Matt's eyes as he longs for a strawberry pop tart that's no longer there, I hope he'll understand that I had to get rid of them for his sake as well as my own. Enjoy your oatmeal with fresh fruit honey. I promise you and your favorite 35 inch waist pants will thank me later! :)

3. THE BED

Um, sorry baby, but the mattress you've slept on since you were in the frat house just isn't going to cut it. Even if I didn't have a herniated disc in my neck, I'd rather go back to sleeping on my futon from college than your lumpy bed. *Cue sound of credit card swiping machine* at mattress store. A big thank you to Ted Tempurpedic for saving our relationship.

4. THE TOWELS

Ahh Matt's towels. For two years, I dried my face with his brillo pad-like, twelve thread count towels that I'm quite confident doubled as car wash rags on the weekends I was in L.A. My Egyptian cotton towels and wash cloths have now arrived via FEDEX priority overnight and even Matt has to admit that after a hot shower, 100% cotton sure feels better on his ass than burlap.

5. THE BATHROOM

Poor Matt. Even when I forewarn him that there's a curling iron, flat iron and a blowdryer plugged in in the bathroom, he somehow manages to burn himself or melt his bottle of contact solution because he can't see. And I've been wildly unsuccessful at making him understand that when he throws open the shower curtain at the end of a long, hot shower, the steam wreaks absolute havoc on my hair. I love Matt very much but a few cold showers and lost layers of skin on his finger tips are far better than me having a bad hair day. Deep down, I know he understands and loves all of my idiosyncrasies.

Because to me, that's what marriage is.

xoxo, Lisa (A.K.A. Mrs. Stannenfeldt)

25 Things Liz & Lisa want to know about Megan Crane

We've been keeping some fan-freakin-tastic company lately here on the blog-with the likes of Jen Weiner, Allison Winn Scotch, Emily Giffin, just to name-drop a few.  And this month is no different!  Except that we're turning up the It factor. We are so ecstatic that the ultra-hip and hilarious Megan Crane is here answering our 25 Qs! Is she IT or what?

We've had a MAJUH writer's crush on her ever since meeting her in person last year.  She's just as witty and sassy in person as she is in her writing!   We were also so excited to discover that not only is she one incredibly talented writer, she goes out of her way to support other new and aspiring authors!

Even more importantly, we found out that she shares our unrequited love for Jennifer Garner and Gerard Butler!  Can she be any more fabulous?

Megan's books are some of our favorites, and they include, ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE , EVERYONE ELSE'S GIRL, FRENEMIES (Liz's fave, she read it in two days flat!)  and NAMES MY SISTERS CALL ME. And for our Romance readers out there, her next book will be out in February 2010, a Harlequin Presents called PURE PRINCESS, BARTERED BRIDE by her alter ego Caitlin Crews!

She literally had us rollin' on the floor laughing at her answers-and we have a feeling you will too! So without further adieu...

Chick Lit is Not Dead presents...

The 25 things readers want to know about Megan Crane

1.  Inside my purse, you'll discover: A deep, dark hole that I personally think is the gateway to alternate dimensions.  Also: a whole lot of mess.

2.  My secret talent is: I can judge a situation with surprising accuracy from across the room.  It's like a party trick--one that is especially fun in LA.

3.  If stranded on an island, the five things I could not live without are: A ticket on the next plane home, so as not to feel stranded.  My iPod which currently holds 322.9 days of music.  A Kindle or something filled with books and the option to buy more.  A place to charge both those things and, say, a laptop.  An adorable little island home.  You know, this seems a lot like moving to Hawaii, which I would love to do.

4.  On my nightstand you'll find: Stacks of books.  Currently: The Demon's Lexicon by Sarah Rees Brennan, Pride and Prey by Rachel Vincent (because I want to re-read Pride before I read Prey), the first Fever book by Karen Marie Moning because I'm re-reading that series in anticipation of the newest one that just came out, an Elin Hildebrand novel, the latest JD Robb, the latest Nicci French, Storm Queen and Thorn Queen by Richelle Mead (because I want to re-read... you get the jist), an old Jane Feather novel.  An alarm clock, a lamp, and one of the first pictures ever taken of me and my then-boyfriend, now-husband.

5.  When I grew up, I wanted to be: A rock star.  Or a Broadway star.  Or a movie star.  The "star" part was non-negotiable.

6.  My worst job: I was a customer service representative at a medical laser company.  It still makes me wince.

7.  My comfort food: I love chocolate.  Particularly dark chocolate with sea salt from World Market.  I also love Coconut Bliss--ice cream made with coconut milk.  Yum.

8.  The location where I write: My desk in my office at home.  I have written every single one of my 12 published  or soon-to-be published books on this desk, as well as my doctoral dissertation.  I have Feelings about this desk.

9.  Three songs on my IPOD's most played list: Virgin State of Mind by K's Choice, Eldorado by Sam Shaber, Humpty Dumpty by Aimee Mann

10. If I was on the cover of US Weekly, my headline would read: Oh, something scandalous, I hope!  Possibly involving Gerard Butler?

11. The three books that make me think of my childhood: Wow.  I can't answer this.  I discovered my love of reading as a child, and I read and read and read.  Maybe the Anne McCaffrey Pern series?  I was unheathily attached to those books.

12. My favorite Chick Flick: My most recent favorite: The Proposal

13. My favorite Chick Lit book: My most recent favorites: a toss up between my friend Jane Porter's Easy on the Eyes and my friend Kristin Harmel's Italian for Beginners

14. My "must see" TV: Gossip Girl, True Blood, Burn Notice, 10 Things I Hate About You, Warehouse 13, Supernatural, and British imports on Netflix.

15. My Starbucks order: I am in between Starbucks orders.  I had my coffee order down, of course, but then gave up coffee for tea.  I had my tea order down, but have since given up splenda, which means I have yet to find a new tea order that doesn't make my mouth taste like cardboard.  So.  It's an ongoing battle.  Thanks for asking.

16. My favorite curse word: Bloody hell.  I lived in England for a while, what can I say?

17. My celebrity man crush: Gerard Butler and/or Jensen Ackles.

18. My celebrity girl crush: I love Jennifer Garner.  Always have, always will.

19. My writer crush: I am in awe of so many writers, it's hard to pick a crush.  It's more like a pantheon of greatness that makes me weep.  But currently?  Probably Nalini Singh, because, wow.

20. My last meal before execution: Something containing all the wheat, gluten, and dairy I don't eat now.  Yum.  Actually, at this point I would kill someone for a pizza.

21. Three words to summarize my book: A.  Must.  Read.

22. It took me _____  to write my book. Six weeks on the first draft (the draft reflected the speed) and then a long and painful revision process.  I think in total it usually takes me about 3 months.

23. My book's original title: Untitled Book # 4

24. Right now, I'm working on: I am waiting for my next work-for-hire outline, so I am playing with ideas for my third Harlequin Presents novel (written by my alter-ego, Caitlin Crews) and for my next Megan Crane novel.  Fun.

25. Chick Lit is alive & kicking because: It rocks!

To read even more about the lovely Megan Crane, head on over to www.megancrane.com or www.caitlincrews.com.

Xoxo, Liz & Lisa

Couple Crushin' by Liz

I arrived home Saturday from my Hawaiian vacation three shades darker, five pounds heavier and a few thousand dollars poorer than I was a week ago.  But it was all worth it to detox from the "real world" for a few days. And I'm happy to report that my Flightplan went rather well, with just a minimal amount of uncomfortable moments on our seemingly never-ending flight. (Our sincere apologies to seat 21A, Poo-Poo Head is a actually considered a term of endearment from our two-year old.  Don't take it personally!)

But after three days of pool slides, floaties and chicken strips, I was desperate for adult interaction that wasn't interrupted every thirty seconds with one of us shouting one of three key vacation phrases:

Do you have to go potty?

If you do______(insert bad behavior here) again, we are not going to the pool!

Stop trying to drown your brother!

So I did what any self-respecting parent does while on vacation: I booked a "cocktail" sunset cruise, emphasis on "cocktail".  Basically, when planning our activities, the concierge had me at open bar. So we double-locked the sliding glass doors, gave the MIL a DVD player tutorial and a twenty for pizza and voila!  We were on our way to three hours of childless paradise.

I was determined to make the most of my overpriced sailing excursion. Our last couple "cocktail" cruises had been a bust, with only one other nerdy couple and two stoned guys playing a ukulele.  And in my opinion, size mattered when it came to booze cruises and this social butterfly was ready to spread her wings.  So I was ecstatic to discover a group of thirty or so people, standing with shoes in hand on the beach when we arrived!

I quickly scanned the crowd, looking for our couple love connection.  Who would I be couple crushin' on tonight? Would it be the newlyweds?  The Speidi look-a-likes?  Or the single dad who inappropriately brought his six-year old?  And did it really matter?  Because anyone who knows me is aware that I'll talk to a statue after my second beer. And after four beers? Well, let's just say I was in rare form.  But I made some new friends!

THE NEWLYWEDS

Oh, newlyweds, you looked so cute in your matching outfits and enthusiasm for having children.  I hope I didn't ruin it for you when I discussed my c-section recovery in detail. Or when my hubby mentioned that you should do ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING fun before you get pregnant because your life as you know it will be over.  Like he said when you started to inch away from us, he meant it in a good way.

EX-WIFE BRINGER UPPER

Every road leads back to...his ex-wife. Discussing real estate?  He's bitter that she got the beachfront property in Del Mar.  Mention children?  His ex-wife has 80% custody.  Ugh! And from the looks that the new girlfriend was giving him, I have a feeling she'll be an ex soon too.

SPEIDI

I was crushin' on this couple the moment I saw them. Seriously, they were dead ringers for Spencer and Heidi. When I finally caught their eye, I had my social butterfly A-game on. (Or so I thought!)  And Speidi did not disappoint...he went to Harvard, she had her masters from UCLA.  And they thought WE were 25 year-old newlyweds! HA!  I was in love!  But I think I may have come on a bit too strong when I committed the ultimate booze cruise faux pas and invited them for an after-cruise drink.  And I know better. We all know our friendships end as soon as that sailboat hits the sand.

THE DRUNK SINGLE DAD

Seriously, dude.  Watching your six-year old go up on the deck by herself in 40 mile/hour winds is killing my buzz.  I came here to get away from lifeguard patrol!

BLACKIE

We actually ran into Blackie and his wife at the bar we stumbled up to after the cruise.  He was eight-five years old and rolled in wearing a bright orange shirt with his name on it.  He told me I was beautiful, but he was wearing coke-bottle glasses and had already confessed he was legally blind so the compliment didn't feel quite as good as it should have. But hey, I'll take it!

xoxo,  Liz

Come Chat with Sassy Sophie!

Liz and Lisa were so excited to hear that the sassy Sophie Kinsella will be on B&N's Centerstage August 24-28 to answer anything and everything you've ever wanted to know! Wondering what her inspiration was for the Shopaholic series?

Or if she thought Jillian should have chosen Reid over Ed?

This is your chance to find out!

Chick Lit is Not Dead hearts Barnes & Noble’s online book club, CenterStage. Each week on CenterStage a bestselling author with a new release is featured. And the conversation includes all of that author’s books, not just the latest one. It’s a great opportunity for you to ask your favorite authors, like Sophia, any question you've been dying to know--like who inspires them, how they come up with their ideas or what kind of music they listen to while they write.

Click here to check it out and register!

In fact, you can head over there right now and post your Qs for Sophia!  She'll also be around to chat  with her fans about her new release, TWENTIES GIRL.  For those of you that chatted with Jennifer Weiner last month, you know how cool it is to talk in real time with one of your favorite authors.

So mark it in and your calendars and get your witty banter ready!  We'll see you there!

xoxo,

Liz & Lisa

Flightplan by Liz

I'm counting down the minutes until I leave for Hawaii later this week but trying not to think about how many hours and hours it will take me to pack for one husband, two children and a mother-in-law.   And the thought of schlepping all of that sh*t 2500 miles across the Pacific Ocean?  Terrifiying! But as many of you know, it's critical to pack wisely when traveling with two children under five. And no one understands that more than me.  Does anyone remember that I'm the bad mommy that forgot MY KID'S SWIMSUITS on our last trip?  I can still hear their angry crying ringing in my ears sometimes. Guess what will be the first thing I pack?

But before we can get to the pool to *relax*, we have to all arrive in one piece with our sanity intact. So for those of you also planning a last minute getaway before school starts, I'd thought I'd kindly provide you with my my must-have checklist!

Don't you dare say Aloha until you read this!

1. DVD PLAYER WITH EXTENDED BATTERY LIFE- After emptying Target of every Scooby-Doo and Spongebob DVD that was available, I feel confident that it will keep my kids happy even while they are buckled into in a tiny space for FIVE HOURS. *Roll eyes*  Yeah Right!

2. MEDICATION- Um, *just in case* my toddle *allergies* act up on the flight, I want to be prepared.  Oh wait, it helps put him to sleep too? *fakes surprise*  I had no idea!

3. FRUIT SNACKS- Whether you want your fruit snacks shaped liked Tonka trucks, Princesses, Backyardigans, Dora or Einsteins, I'm here for you. Want it roll-up style?  Or in sticker form? By the foot? I'm your gal!  Because nothing stops crying faster than a bag of fruit snacks.  And I'm more than willing to pay the price for the sugar-high later when we are safely on the ground.

4. IPOD- Because Mama might need to go to her "Nick Lachey" happy place after the fifteenth time my son demands to take a "stroll" down the airplane aisle.

5. EARPLUGS- For when that drunk man in the chaise next to me at the pool wants to discuss  health care reform, immigration or what constitutes a valid birth certificate.

6. SLUTTY SHIRT FOR BOOZE CRUISE- Thanks to my MIL, I might actually get a few hours of alone time with Hubby on this trip.  And there's nothing like a booze cruise to take your mind off the fact that you'll be kicked all night while sleeping Brady Bunch style with your kids in one bed later that night.

7. SWIM SKORT-To hide the after-effects of too many pupus and Pina Coladas on above-mentioned booze cruise.

8. LIFE VEST FOR TWO-YEAR OLD- Because Mama needs to keep an eye on her drink too.

9. HELLO KITTY-What is it about that damn cat!  All I know is my four-year old daughter will just about anything for a Hello Kitty pencil. It's like crack for kindergartners.  And I'm willing to pay street value to keep her happy on this trip!

10. HIGH-SPEED CAMERA- So I can be sure to capitalize on the one minute that both children actually look into the camera and smile!

Xoxo, Liz

(Inanimate) Object of My Affection (part 2) By Liz & Lisa

We wrote about this topic just a couple of months ago...but already, so many new electronic devices have come into our lives. And we've fallen so hard for these objects! The way they blend a smoothie "stirs" something deep within and the speed in which they access the Internet makes us dizzy ...with lust!  Or even the way they so effortlessly make the most perfect cup of coffee really gets the heart racin' in more ways than one *wink* *wink*. And although our affections are all in fun, there's a term for people that, um, really want to be much more than friends with things like Big Ben (get your mind out of the gutter-we're talking about the famous clock!) or the world's largest catsup bottle. They suffer from a condition called objectum sexuality. So no need to worry--unless someday you find one of us dry humping the Eiffel Tower.

In the meantime, we're dying for you to meet our new battery-powered boyfriends, And even though we love them, the only action they're getting is some fast-fingered texting or a really hard cucumber to chop up.

LIZ'S ELECTRONIC ECSTASY

Hp Mini Notebook aka Webbie

Liz spends most of her day in the car. And as you can imagine, that makes it hard for a girl to keep up with her Internet addiction.  Her Facebook wall posts would go *gasp* hours before being addressed and she would completely miss Twitter's #Follow Friday.  And the fact that Lisa and Crystal (our fabulous and uber-talented publicist) email each other every five minutes wasn't helping. (Their banter! So witty! She was jealous!) And after a particularly busy day of postings, poking and reply alls, Liz determined her brokedown Palm Centro just wasn't cutting it anymore.

That's when she found Webbie.   And even though she normally preferred larger electronics, she found his small size and wireless aircard appealing. He was so cute!  And whenever she was out with him in public, people would always stop to ask about him.  Soon Liz found herself tweeting with abandon and bantering with Lisa and Crystal like she didn't have a care in the world!  Webbie even traveled with her to Cabo, although he strongly disapproved of her dalliance with Don Julio. Apparently, he thought her dizziness and dry heaving in the mornings cut into his time with her.  That Webbie has quite a jealous streak!

Which is why Liz found it odd that Palm Centro starting taking a turn for the worse when Webbie strolled into town.  Never the workhorse, Palm Centro had always been able to do at least the basics.  Now all of sudden he struggled to send a text and wanted to hot-sync in inappropriate places.  Then, one morning, he hot-synced himself to death, literally. RIP Palm Centro.

And was that a smile we saw on Webbie's screen?  Little did he know, the next phone in Liz's life would possibly render him obsolete.  And his name was...

Barry Blackberry

Liz had a bad attitude about Barry at first.  She didn't know if he'd be able to meet all her needs.  She needed a partner that could keep up with her (She just turned 35!  She's in her prime!) and wasn't sure he was up for the task.

But she soon discovered that Barry was everything she wanted in a man phone and more.  He was always there to let her know the very second an email came in.  And Facebook?  Barry Blackberry didn't want her to miss out on anything, even if it was that person who keeps inviting her to play Farmville (WTH is that, anyway?) or that crazy guy from high school that won't stop harassing his ex-wife in his status updates.

And Webbie?  Well, let's just say that he's been crunching more fantasy football stats than keeping up with his social networking these days.  Liz, always looking to trade up when it comes to her electronics, kicked him to the curb in favor of Barry.  Webbie started feeling heavy and bloated and she was getting everything she needed from B. (Her private nickname for him.)

But don't worry about Webbie!  Liz's husband Mike has been keeping that little guy company.  He's even renamed him "Webina".   And although that confuses him a bit, he's just happy to have someone's fingers keeping his keyboard warm every night.

LISA'S KITCHEN CRUSHES

Keurig Single Cup Coffee Brewing System aka Kirby

It's no secret that Lisa is a major caffeine junkie. If she doesn't get that jolt of energy within minutes of waking up, she can make a crackwhore look tame.  Just talk to anyone who's made the mistake of asking her difficult questions like, "How are you?" before she's had her java. (Like that poor UPS guy who unfortunately crossed her pre-caffeinated path--he never did deliver another package!)

For years, she's had a Starbucks addiction. Each morning, she'd order her Venti bold with sugar-free vanilla. The baristas knew her by name and her order by heart. And even when the economy went down the toilet, she vowed she'd cut "everything and anything" other than her daily grind. Well, until she met Kirby.

It was love at first cup. And within minutes of taking in his compact, yet strong exterior and watching as he filled her coffee cup with so little effort it felt like magic, Lisa was under his spell. Her new boyfriend, Kirby, just made everything so easy. Her heart skipped a beat as she simply put a "K" cup inside, pressed a button and *voila* coffee!  Gone were the days of manual labor like cleaning filters and grinding beans. And it was then she declared, "once you go single cup you never go back!"

And even though she's been cheating on Starbucks for weeks, she doesn't feel the least bit guilty about it. Especially since he wasn't there for her when she traveled route 66! (As if!) She's not saying she'll never go back to him, but she's no longer relying on him to solve her (caffeine) problems. That's fo show!

But Lisa is not quite sure how to break the news to Kirby that there's a new gadget in town...

The Magic Bullet, aka, The Bullet

Recently, Lisa saw something on TV that made her stop dead in her tracks on the treadmill. His name was The Magic Bullet and no, he's not that kind of device ladies. But he'll still turn you on with his many bells and whistles and his incredible (blending) technique.

Lisa bought him and brought him home that very day. She was so excited as she unpacked him and sized up his, er, parts. She was high with anticipation as she slowly filled him with ice,  fruit, milk and protein powder and watched her beloved bullet blend away. Twenty seconds later, she was drinking a delicious smoothie. And as soon as Lisa finished it, she was ready to go again!

She blended with abandon. Strawberry banana! Blueberry! Peanut butter! She grabbed his recipe book firmly and started planning all the beautiful things they'd make together. Guacamole! Salsa! Spaghetti sauce! The sky was going to be the limit with Lisa and The Bullet.

Or at least that's what she thought until...he COULDN'T GET IT UP!

It happened when she tried to make salsa and The Bullet's blade just wouldn't chop. She tried again, because maybe he just needed a little help...She pushed down on his lid and prayed he'd be able to make the onions look like they did in the picture. But unfortunately, the salsa just came out looking like soup with huge pieces of onion in it. Lisa was crushed that her boyfriend couldn't perform. She wondered if this is what Jillian felt like in the fantasy suite with Ed?

Lisa hasn't tried to make salsa since and has decided to stick to smoothies only. She doesn't want to upset The Bullet and she definitely doesn't want to find out that he won't be able to get his blade moving, yet again.

xoxo, Liz & Lisa

Why Meat And Potatoes Are Good For You By Liz & Lisa

We've been friends for *cough* more than twenty years, so naturally we have a lot of things in common. We went to the same high school, same college and joined the  same sorority. We even kissed the same guy once--but don't worry, it was NOT at the same time! We even have similar names. But we're rarely called by our own. Lisa is often Liz, Liz is often Lisa. And our personal favorite is Liza. So, it's not surprising that after all the So Cal surfer boys we dated (many of whom thought their big board gave them game) that we've both ended up with Midwestern Men. And with Lisa's recent "shmove" to an Illinois suburb, we thought it would be the perfect time to write about what happens when a Cali girl falls for a Midwest boy. LIZ:

I love my corn-fed man.  For years I searched, dating men from all around the country and never quite finding what I was looking for.  Little did I know that my knight in shining armor would be a brawny blonde who wears Cubs t-shirts and had never tried sushi.

As a native of Southern California, I had always thought I’d end up with a cool surfer dude that drives a BMW and had better fashion sense than me.  That’s just how the guys are out here.  In fact, I had not even stepped foot onto Midwestern soil when I met my husband.  I had no idea about the stockpile of nice, collared-shirt wearing men that were being hidden from the rest of the country!

And I had worn the rest of the 50 Continental states out!  I dated an insecure coffee drinker from Seattle, a wannabe Goodfella from the East Coast and had even made out with a muscle head from Miami.  So when I met my Midwestern knight in shining armor I almost couldn't believe my eyes!  A sweet, secure man who always opened my door and loved his mom?  I could deal with the fact that he thought carrots and corn were the only vegetables that existed and had never heard of guacamole because this guy was the most genuine person I'd dated in years. So I closed the deal with my heartland hunk and we were married two years after our first date.  And ten years and two kids later, I still smile to myself like I have a little secret when I think of how lucky I am to have landed a man from the middle. (of America that is.)

LISA:

I was thirty-four. Recently dumped. And wondering when I was finally going to meet a man I could laugh with, who shared the same values and wanted the same things out of life. I felt like Charlotte from Sex and The City when she screamed, "I'm tired of dating. I just want to find him. WHERE is he?"

Suddenly, it occurred to me that I didn't really care where he was, I just wanted to find him. He could be the literal boy next door, (well, not my actual neighbor, a short, married 65-year-old balding guy, but maybe the one on the other side?) or he could live in the next state. I'd never crossed the border for love before.  Well, unless you count that fling with the Vegas guy...which ended abruptly after we discovered that *shockingly* we only had a love of vodka red bulls and black jack in common!

Cut to six months later when my friend announced she had the perfect guy. But...

"He lives in Chicago!" she said apprehensively. "I know what you said about being open to dating someone long distance. But this isn't San Diego, Lisa. This is a four-hour flight! Maybe longer with head winds!"

A sly smile crept across my face. Aside from the lack of legroom, recycled air and $10 pre-packaged deli sandwich, it sounded perfect to me. I'd fly the friendly skies for a chance at romance with a Midwestern Man. I’d always heard they were great catches-good old-fashioned family values, corn-fed and most importantly, hot!

Well it's a good thing I didn't let a little thing like 2,000 miles deter me....because two years later, it turns out that this West coast girl is quite smitten with her clean cut, orange Illini shirt wearing Midwestern Man.  In fact, he and his perfectly grilled steaks are the best thing that's ever happened to her.  (And yes, even though she comes from year-round 75 degree sunny weather, she's fine with six inches of snow falling in MARCH. Really, she is.)

So, in honor of our Cub and Bear loving men we heart from the heartland, here's what two Long Beach girls consider to be the top ten greatest things about our Midwestern men:

1. They think girls from California are exotic! (At least that's what we tell ourselves!)

2. You can cook them meat and potatoes every night of the week for the rest of their lives and they’ll be happy! (Although their personal trainer won't be!)

3. They love animals, really they do. Just have to be Cubs or Bears! (Sorry Sox fans!)

4. They’ve never even heard of a metrosexual. A huge benefit because they let you buy all their clothes and do all the decorating!  It's like having your very own Ken doll!

5. They're fiercely loyal to their friends and Big 10 sports teams. We highly reccomend you don't get in the way of them spending time with either!

6. They can spend hours snow blowing, snow plowing and snow shoveling and never get tired of it-If only we could get them to apply that energy to some of the INDOOR chores!

7.  They like to take walks with you whenever it's nice out. And by nice, we mean ten degrees, a hint of light behind a cloud and no wind!

8.  If you give them a grill and a beer, they'll say yes to anything! (This is how Liz secured her Louis Vuitton purse, guinea pigs  and tickets to Barry Manilow!)

9.  With the exception of a mullet here and there, they're clean cut. Taking a walk on the wild side for them is not shaving for a day or wearing a baseball hat that's not broken in!

10. If you need them to run an errand, just tell them you also want Whitey's Ice Cream. It's amazing how fast they'll run out the door!

xoxo

Some kind of (80's) Wonderful By Liz & Lisa

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller

We were so sad to hear about the tragic death of Writer/Producer/Director John Hughes last week. And we can honestly say that his teen movies had more influence on us than we care to admit. As children of the 80's, we pined over Jake Ryan (would still do him!) considered taking up the drums (go Watts!) and debated endlessly whether Duckie's creepers were cool or not. (Liz was for, Lisa was against.) No other filmmaker captured teen turmoil like John Hughes. And in our humble opinion, there's been no one quite like him since... (Who else could make us want to dye our hair red and wear mens' blazers like Molly Ringwald?)

And it's almost scary to think how influential these fictional teens were in our angst ridden, dramatic, very real teenage lives! (Sorry Moms--yet again!) From Pretty in Pink (Liz's fav) to Sixteen Candles (Lisa's fav) to The Breakfast Club (isn't it everyone's fav!?) here's what we learned from watching our VHS tapes of these movies over and over again and what we continue to learn as we watch them on TBS over and over again.

SIXTEEN CANDLES

* You should never, ever, under any circumstances (not even when you take pity on a nerd) give your underwear away. But if you do give in and give your panties to the prepubescent geek, make sure he charges his friends more than a dollar a pop. We say at least $5 for boy shorts and $10 for a Hanky Panky thong!

* Just say N-O to that weird new guy in town who keeps screaming, "Hey Sexy Giiirrrlllfriend". And whatever you do, DON'T climb on that exercise bike with him... even if you're sporting horrible headgear and think he's the best you can get!

* On that note, think twice before taking a foreign exchange student into your home. Long Duck Dong would be fun for about five, maybe ten minutes!

* DON'T let your friends cut your hair when they're hammered, even if it is caught in a door. Someone will open it eventually!

* It IS possible get the Jake Ryan's of the world to notice you! (Note: this particular lesson led to ten years of dating assholes. Thanks John!)

WEIRD SCIENCE

* There can be major benefits to paying attention in your computer science class, ladies. Mastery of MS DOS+Barbie Doll= Hot older boyfriend with special powers! (We're thinking a George Clooney robot could be hot!)

* Never underestimate the power of a Cougar! Kelly LaBrock had it going on and paved the way for the rest of us!

SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL

* If you live on the wrong side of the tracks and insist on dating outside your pre-determined social circle, beware of the asshole with the feathered hair and "super cool" Mustang convertible!

* You CAN rock a super-short boyish do' and a leather jacket and still get a guy to fall in love with you...AND buy you some diamond earrings! (A lesson Lisa put to the test in the late 90's!)

PRETTY IN PINK

* When your choices are to date either "Steff", "Blaine" or "Duckie", you're basically f*cked!

* If you hate wearing pink (like we do) you're basically f*cked!

FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF

* When you ditch class and need a mode of transportation to get you in to the city, don't take a Ferrari. Take the shittiest car you can find. No one is checking the odometer on your mom's 85' Taurus!

* Never underestimate the power of a memorable movie line. Even *cough* twenty years later, Lisa can still be caught saying, "Bueller...Bueller...anyone, anyone?"

THE BREAKFAST CLUB

* Detention can play tricks on your mind. If you're kept locked up long enough, you can start thinking Judd Nelson is cute.

* Always wash your hair. Even if you can land the jock with your greasy locks, is it really worth it to forgo shampoo?

* No matter how many movies Anthony Michael Hall starred in, we still never found him cute! :(

xoxo, Liz & Lisa

Route 66 at 36 By Lisa

4,000 Number of feet I stood nervously above the ground on the Grand Canyon Skywalk 2,558 Number of miles traveled by car

25 Number of times I talked to my stuffed cow, "Moo" as if he were real

10 Number of unforgettable sites I visited

9 Number of forgettable fast food meals I consumed (Don't even say the word Sonic to me!)

8 Number of states traveled through

6 Number of days traveled

5 Number of pounds gained

3 Number of times I cried

2 Number of giant legs I posed with

1 Number of shirtless men who kissed me on the cheek & called me Lisa Stainkull

0 Number of Starbucks

My song about driving across the "Mother Road" would go a little something like this: There's a lot of ways to get your kicks at 36...but one of them has got to be driving route 66!

You might be wondering why Matt and I took this trip. Well, I'm "shmoving"--sort of moving--to Chicago. For now, I choose not to use the word, "moving" because I'm still going to have my condo in Long Beach with my car in the garage and several pairs of four inch heels in my closet. There's a lot more to come on the L.A. girl goes Midwest story. But for now, let's just say most of the time, you'll find me in a quaint suburb outside of Chicago starting what I like to call "the rest of my life".

We packed up the rented SUV with my must-have, can't live with outs (shoes, books and one stuffed cow, "Moo") and hit route 66 in reverse from Santa Monica to Chicago. And after a long journey across the USA, here are my route 66 travel tips:

#1 DON'T MAKE THE SAME GRAND (CANYON) MISTAKE I DID

Note to self: Never stay out until 3a.m. just hours before you're going to visit one of the seven wonders of the world.

Um, because, it's just. Plain. Stupid.

I was a HOT MESS as we weaved our way for two hours through miles of gravel roads and construction to what we thought was the location of  The Grand Canyon Skywalk, only to be informed that we'd have to board a shuttle that would take us out to the site. (And we were lucky enough to get a peppy driver named Paco who had the entire bus sing, "Who Let the Dogs Out" woof, woof, woof...)

Leading up to the skywalk,  you can walk right over to the open canyon. I'll admit, I was very jumpy that day (something about being able to plummet to your death with one misstep) and had watched one too many people deliberately stand too close to the edge pretending to fall off. (Ha fu**ing ha!) So, when Matt wanted to step down into a crevice and sit on a two-inch crack where you could see a sliver of the canyon floor below (almost a mile down!), I started to cry and begged him not to. It didn't matter that a 75-year old woman had just had her photo taken there!

Once out on the Skywalk, it was the strangest sensation to be able to see the ground below and feel like I could fall through (even though five different Skywalk employees patiently explained to me that it could hold the weight of 70 fully loaded 747's). And to the Skywalk photogs who thought you were soooo funny when you ran up behind people like me and scared us, you'd better watch your back or I'll sick my new friend, Harley on you. (See #4.)

#2 DON'T EXPECT YOUR TEEPEE TO HAVE WIFI!

After the Grand Canyon, we made our way to our stopping point for the night, another Route 66 landmark, Wigwam Village in Holbrook, AZ, and slept in a concrete teepee for two. It's probably the only teepee in history  to have cable TV and turn down service, but no wifi. Didn't the wigwams understand that I desperately needed to change my Facebook profile picture? As I lay in my tiny bed watching Conan O'Brien, I silently cursed myself for not buying that air card for the journey.

#3 MAKE FRIENDS WITH BILL AT THE BLUE SWALLOW MOTEL

The next morning we ended up meeting a bunch of really nice Norwegians (also on a route 66 tour) at another famous Route 66 diner, Joe and Aggie's Cafe, and took pictures with them.

Later, after traveling through New Mexico (beautiful-even at 90 MPH!), we arrived at the The Blue Swallow Motel. And that's where we met the owner, Bill Kinder, who instantly became our route 66 concierge.

Bill Kinder (the most appropriate last name evuh as I've never met someone, well, kinder) showed us around our room. And I quote Bill, "We have REAL towels from Bed Bath and Beyond, not those awful motel towels and if you look real close, you'll see the toilet paper has The Blue Swallow emblem on it and we've got real oak toilet seats too!"

We were in the middle of a lightning storm which Bill said can destroy the neon signs out front. But, for us (and several people after) he turned the neon on so we could get a quick photo. (Just a bit of quick trivia because I'm in love with Bill: Bill's neon 100% Refrigerated Air sign is replicated in the movie, Cars.)

When we asked our new friend where to go for food, he didn't skip a beat. "There's only one place in town--The Lizard Lounge at the Pow Wow Inn. Tell 'em Bill from The Blue Swallow sent ya."  When we walked in, it was like stepping into a scene out of the Urban Cowboy. A live band was singing, Looking for Love, people were two stepping and there were more mullets than I could count! (Trust me, I tried!)

When I got carded (yeah, you read that right, I got carded!) and didn't have my ID (because I'm 36 and in the middle of nowhere!) we almost had to leave until we told the bouncer that we knew Bill. And even though the kitchen was closed, we got to eat because, you guessed it, we knew Bill. We'll miss your connections back in the real world, Bill!

#4 YOU HAVE NOT LIVED UNTIL YOU'VE STOOD BETWEEN A HUGE PAIR OF LEGS Our trusted concierge told us we must have breakfast with his friends at The Midpoint Cafe in Adrian, TX located halfway between L.A. and Chicago (where I joked "there's no turning back now!") I'd like to give a shout out to Fran and Tommy who never complained while taking a thousand photos of us, with us, with Moo Cow... you name it, they took it! We loved your diner!

Next, we headed to the Cadillac Ranch where we were highly amused by ten old, graffiti covered caddys sticking out of the mud. Big thanks to our friend, Barbara, who loaned us a can of spray paint so we could spray the name we're now calling ourselves,  The Stannenfeldts (Steinke + Dannenfeldt) on the ground next to the cars.

Then we headed to a site not technically part of Route 66 (although it should be!) and jumped a fence to see the HUGE PAIR OF LEGS in the middle of a cow pasture! We spent far too much time posing with them and making videos about them, but we didn't care. We thought they were AWESOME! (or maybe that was mostly me?)

And then....it was on to Erick, TX where we almost didn't stop because it was getting late...

When we walked into the Sandhills Curiosity Shop, the little bell on the door chimed as we entered. We rounded the corner with huge grins, excited to meet Annabelle and Harley who Bill raved about so much, I imagined them to be the Brad Pitt and Angelina of Oklahoma. But we stopped dead in our tracks when we came face to face with a crazy-eyed guy wearing overalls without a shirt, his nipple popping out the side, who screamed that he'd been expecting us...and our cow. We were immediately introduced to the other frightened looking people in the room--a couple from Denmark and two women from Chicago who didn't bat an eye at Moo Cow because they were traveling with a stuffed friend of their own, none other than Huggy Jesus! There are no words to describe our experience of meeting the man who called me Lisa Stainkull and really, really liked to touch Matt's chest, and his wife, Annabelle, so I'll just let you use your imaginations. They say pictures are worth 1,000 words...Or, you can watch this video of them on Youtube.

#5 DON'T FORGET THE KETCHUP!

Fries need it! What's a hot dog without it? And our route 66 trip definitely wouldn't have been complete without it. Our final stop was the World's largest Catsup Bottle in Collinsville, Illinois. Because you really haven't lived until you've seen a 170 foot tall bottle of ketchup! And from there, Matt, Moo Cow and I journeyed on until we reached our final destination, Libertyville, Illinois, otherwise known as home.

xoxo, Lisa

PS: Route 66 was full of some of the nicest people I've ever met. So, I'd also like to give a shout out to Don and Joy, the wonderful owners of The Leggett House in Carthage, MO. From the baked cookies and cold milk at check in to the delicious pancake breakfast the next morning, we absolutely loved your B&B and your hospitality!